Do you think we'd be happier if we used our power?

It seems like many of our men have been controlled by skids, BMs, their mothers...leaving us feeling frustrated. Since most of these men have so many people with their claws in them, we try not to become another person trying to get a piece of them. We don't use our power/control over them (well, I haven't) because we don't want to be like every other person in their life so we bite our tongue and get frustrated, feel taken for granted, etc.

I wonder though, whether we'd feel differently if we DID use our power over these men. I wonder if it would just simplify many of these complicated situations if we exerted our power to control our men -- then they wouldn't have to really even think. They would have less thinking/agonizing to do and we'd feel we had more control over our lives.

Still, no one wants to control their man...we want them to do the right thing, independently.

Thoughts?

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I don't think I control DH

I don't think I control DH but I did however tell him that when he married me he chose to put me first. Yes I mean first before everyone, SD, MIL, everyone and BM did not make the list of people to please. We have agreed that due to her behaviour tward me, he will do no favors for her, she's nasty. I will not take second place and he damn well better consider my feelings first before he jumps for anyone. It has worked wonders, our relationship has improved. Also, I put his feelings first before anything. I had a scheduling issue that interfered with his plans and I told my boss that DH has to come first. He was impressed with that and the boss is usually easy to deal with so she changed my schedule.
For the BM's that are lurking--do not bother to respond about kids coming first because they shouldn't. I am also a BM but IMO husbands and wives must always put their spouse first before kids. This is the only way a marriage will work. In the end it benefits the children to see how a good marriage works so that hopefully they can have one also one day.

DH and I also live by the

DH and I also live by the rule that he/I come before the children. This works only if you're in a relationship with a good person that has good intentions though.

I actually learned this from my ex-husband's dad. He taught that you should actually put your partner before the kids and his reasoning was that the kids will grow up and leave the home and then that only leaves you and your partner. If you put your children before your partner that puts you in a position to end up alone.

It works for us because neither one of us has bad intentions toward the other's child/children. I've seen instances where the children should be put first because of an overly selfish partner. If a person finds that they're losing their child/children completely then it might be time to reevaluate.

I would also never dream of controlling my partner. My DH's ex and mother try all the time to control him and I see him get upset and frustrated over it. He says it makes him feel as though they have no respect for his feelings and when they are trying to control him he will have NOTHING to do with them for weeks at a time. The only contact he'll have is what is absolutely necessary on behalf of his daughter. So unless there's a serious issue or a pending visit, he has nothing to do with either of them.

I think what you described is

I think what you described is how a marriage/relationship is supposed to be. I think the relationship should come first too. No responsible parent will let the legitimate needs of children go unaddressed -- the problem is when a WANT is confused with a NEED.

I think if people are unwilling/unable to put their SO first then they should not bother getting involved in a relationship.

I think back to times I did not put my foot down because I didn't want to add to my guy's stress load but really, in hindsight, I should have flexed my power and said no...it would have helped him out I think and also made me feel like I had some control.

Just think if you did use

Just think if you did use your power to control us mere males then what reason could you use to blame us for anything. Tongue in cheek

LOL, good point. Well, I

LOL, good point. Well, I really haven't wanted to control...I have just wanted him to do the right thing on my own, and have never used my "power" over him, so, I guess I've answered my own question. Who wants a man that is a pawn? That whole dynamic with the "other women" is what has driven me crazy. I love the guy, I don't want to do that really. That being said, I should have just put my foot down earlier -- but that is different than controlling someone...

Sounds like an awlful lot of

Sounds like an awlful lot of trouble to go through-the plotting and planning, etc.

Yes, I do think he's with me

Yes, I do think he's with me because I am the one woman who does not try to control him, the one who is appreciative, patient, giving.

The fallout of my husbands

The fallout of my husbands upbringing and first marriage is that he felt I WAS trying to control him, when really I was just trying to have some control over my life with him and have my views and feeling respected. In a revealing moment he once told me in a very ominous tone " I WILL not have another woman tell me what to do". It was ironic as one of the reasons I was attracted to him was that he was a strong, confident man, because I'm a pretty assertive person myself. Under the strain of trying to reconcile our approaches to housework, money, family life, lifestyle, and his children, for a while our relationship degenerated into an aggressive and emotional battle for control. Ironically both of us felt the other was trying to exert excessive control over the other.

So in a sense I was trying to exert control over my DH and 'use my power'. I felt that unless I did I was going to end up accepting things that were unacceptable to me. It did not simplify things or reduce DH's agonizing. But that may be a particularity of our situation. It took couples counselling to resolve our deepset conflict over control, and ultimately our breakthrough was his realisation that his experiences with his own mother and with his ex wife had given him a deep seated fear of being dominated and manipulated by a woman which meant that he came out fighting whenever a serious difference of opinion arose. That realisation transformed our relationship and our arguments just don't escalate in the same way any more because fundamentally we are not battling for control any more.