I think it's time SDs know everything...
SO called BM a bitch the other day. In a place where SDs can see. Their aunt gets into the fray saying they need to be protected from what's going on, she continues to insinuate that SO is the sole problem and that BM's family are the ones taking care of the girls. I disagree.
They're 15 now. They are old enough to decide for themselves what they want to believe. I think the issue is that BM has done so much wrong and she knows her daughters will ultimately turn on her if they knew she cheated on their dad multiple times, lied to the government to get more money from him than was necessary, ruined his credit, and watches his every move to see if his live is improving so she can try to ruin it somehow. She heard him talking about buying a house one day and sent him a text to the effect of, "no you don't!" WTF?
The kids are still ignorant of all this, BM pretty much refuses to let them come here (they're in danger from me after the debacle with SD1 and her need to disrespect 3 adults in one weekend, and I let her know that I didn't appreciate her disrespecting her father). She paints SO as a deadbeat, while living the life off of his money. His child support pays for her rent and utilities, she gets food stamps and medicaid, and her FT salary is just spending money. Well that's about to stop, because before next year is out we're going to sue her for all the credit card fraud and other types of fraud she's committed...and she'll either agree to pay or we'll press charges and have her put in jail.
I that SO is finally seeing what I see. After we got the garnishment notice (she got an apartment in his name with a Power of Attorney that was probably no longer valid, long story see other blog), he has been so shell shocked. I'm giving him MY anxiety medication! I don't take it every day, just when I need it, and I always use less than the monthly prescription. So I told him to take some. I think they're mellowing him out.
I've seen this man hurt for three years. And yes it's not my problem, but in a way it is my problem. Because I have to live with the fallout. I feel that since his daughters are old enough to date and they know what the word "cheating" means, they should know their mom cheated on their dad. I think they should know the truth about their mom. Everyone keeps saying it'll scar them for life to know that, but they're already being raised to treat men like objects that you can get material things from, how messed up is that?
I think they should know their mother is an adulterous lying whore. Maybe not in those exact words, but they should know the truth now...
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She is lying to the system.
She is lying to the system. She has done some really shady stuff. And there's a paper trail.
Sometimes it's a blessing that they're not in my home. All they do is eat my food spend our money and expect more. It's time for their dad to stop being a Disney dad and concentrate on the family that's been there for him. He's finally apologizing for all he put me through because he was angry about the situation with them. Personally, I don't see where there's drama in their lives. Daddy is an ATM and nothing more. They only call when it comes close to birthdays and Christmas, I can hear their mom saying, "call your father and say hi so he doesn't forget". We don't forget, we go without to fulfill those obligations. Well this year it's not going to be as much as before, blame it on the receission if you want to, but it's time for this family to be able to enjoy the fruits of OUR labors instead of having it all sent to them on top of child support. The only drama those girls have are who's dating who in high school. They honestly don't know what their mother has done.
I think the state she lives in is more lenient than our state when it comes to public assistance. Because she has 3 kids they give her a lot. But I think if they were to know what we know (and I may anonymously report her) they'd cut her off.
We pay 3 times what she does to live in an apartment. She has a house. Because of what SO "makes", we struggle on every level while she gets all the assistance in the world. She eats out every night, took the tax money from his kids that he supports (that she won't let him claim) and took a trip to go see American Idol...meanwhile we're on the verge of eviction several times this year. The cost of living up here is several times more than where she is.
I just feel that if you're old enough to be sassy, up some boy's butt, in the nail and hair salon every two weeks and walking around acting like you're grown then you're old enough to know why it is you have the freedom to be that way.
*laughing* What we're going
*laughing*
What we're going to do is give her the illusion of safety. She's not going to see anything right away. But I have the beginnings of a huge paper trail. Two days before she filed for child support (he was stationed elsewhere and didn't get the papers until MUCH later because no one bothered to notify him properly) she emptied out the joint bank account. She claimed that he wasn't supporting his kids. Um, you got an apartment you didn't have to pay for because you used his SSN and a Power of Attorney to get it in his name, then you skipped state when your mother (the only family member she has who has sense) got on you for what you were doing to him. She has her legal fees tacked on to his "arrears". She then goes every payday (he got out of the army soon after this and was getting severance pay) for six months, a minute after midnight and takes most of his check. He was living with his parents so he just didn't do anything (dumbass). Still, banks keep record of accounts for several years, and we will pull those statements before the end of the year. Get the "arrears" knocked off. He's sent this woman his whole check at times (MIL and mutual friend who used to date him have been good sources in the times before when he didn't want to talk about it), and she had the nerve to tell him she was mad that due to the fact that he was now living on his own and had me and another kid to take care of (she was even mad that my son is a BOY for heaven's sake), he "wasn't sending the money he used to". In other words, she expected to not spend a dime of her money. It's like the chick has a golden uterus.
I'm often deemed as a control-freak and a know-it-all, but those who know me well know that all I do is ask for the information I need and carry out on the plans I make. SO has asked for my help, so I find the info, and help him formulate a plan. I can't sue her, I can't present the info, no judge will hear me. But I can search for all the proof and sit in court on that day and savor the flavor of her final comeuppance. It will be so sweet.
Welfare fraud.
Perjry.
Fraudulent use of a military Power of Attorney.
Identity Theft.
Chick, just assume the debt or go to jail. It's gonna be so sweet. We're practically taking tickets for the people who want to be there to witness this momentous occasion. All of the people who have told me to tell them when the court date is so they can either be a witness or just watch her go down in flames. It's about time.
As tempting as it is to want
As tempting as it is to want to divulge all, what good would it do right now if they have BM's mentality? I say save it up once the CS stops coming in and DH is accused of letting them suffer and then let them have it. That's just me.
That's pretty much what's
That's pretty much what's going to happen, as they just don't call unless they want something and SO is to shell shocked to talk to them. But we are going to sue BM next year for all of the financial difficulties her fraud has caused for him. It's to the tune of $20K and she can either comply or we press charges (it went that far).
They're going to find out, but I want them to know the truth, not the drivel BM's inbred family is going to give them. Because for all of the declarations of how they're going to support those kids, none of them will if it comes down to BM being prosecuted.
I know the entire story now,
I know the entire story now, because I finally pulled it out of him. He got reamed for not telling me the full truth. I spent a year being angry about that, it's done. So he didn't tell me. You are right, there were no boundaries. For me, the boundary is my house. Respect my house. You don't have to like me, but you will not interfere with my ability to keep my own home.
I don't need the stress, but I am in a situation where I either deal with this or go to a homeless shelter with my 2-year-old son. I'll take the family drama. And since I've been able to get the information that he needs to finally see this chick made to pay for what she's done, I'm going to give him that info.
The aunt is now irrelevant to the situation, she cannot stop what is happening. Neither can any of the other inbred relatives. BM has committed fraud on many levels. She either takes on the debt incurred by this fraud or she goes to jail.
It may have been a stupid move to do what he did, but in light of how he's being painted, and the fact that he's never been given a chance to stand up for himself (BM's family has gone so far as to physically assault him and have made threats on me as well) call the chick what she is to the high heavens, I don't care at this point. His mother agrees, I agree, my family (brother, cousins, SIL) even agrees. The way he did it is like going to the news when a vendor does you wrong and refuses to negotiate. BM has denied him his kids for a long time, she refuses to talk to him, and has all the documentation that he needs to help himself. He may seem stupid to the outsider, but I know many a dad who don't know their own rights in situations like these.
BM has a choice. Comply or go to jail. SO was stupid in that he never fought back, he just let her do her dirt and got angrier and angrier about it. He was also stupid to make me deal with it, and is now moving away from that. His two faults were taking her crap and not telling me his past. But other than that he is a good guy who has had terrible things happen to him. And while my life was literally on the line he took care of me (my mother turned her back on me, her family did the same) by himself on this measly income. He is the breadwinner and he goes out and does what a man should do for his family every day. But that's because we let him, we don't disenfranchise parents in this house. My father broke every promise he made to me and never had a dime, and I never treated him the way I've seen SO treated.
Like I said in a previous post, I honestly could care less if SDs come into my home again. It's much more peaceful when they're not here. But if BM is prosecuted, SO gets the kids, and they will be put in therapy and de-brainwashed.
I've let SO know that if he cannot straighten this situation out, eventually I will have to leave (and it will be the shelter initially) because I cannot have my child grow up in poverty so that those girls can continue their lifestyle. Eventually he will be old enough to see the difference and I don't want that for him. I'd rather start from rock bottom and work my way up alone than have that. I see a broken, contrite man who is trying to change. I believe in one benefit of the doubt. Up until this happened, I had been telling him that I was getting tired. He knew. I gave him until 1/1/11 to straighten his mess out. Then we find out about the garnishment. I went off because this threatens the roof over my head...and at that point I DO take control. This is MY house, you don't get to mess with that.
SO knows he has some work to do and that I'm watching. I told him he's going to do a lot of public repenting for his lack of action over the past 10 years and to just take it and not let his pride undo him. We'll see what he does. I have job prospects lined up and if need be I'll do it on my own and hope my health holds out. I stay partially because I cannot physically do it on my own (I am 3 years out of a serious health event) and there is no other support system. If I have to do it on my own I will, but I'll just pray I last.
IMO if she is committing
IMO if she is committing fraud she should be prosecuted for such. If your SO called her a bitch in front of the children or on facebook what's done is fine but he should under no circummstances ever ever do it again. He can feel that way, think it, even speak of it to you in private when the children are not present, but not in front of or near the children. As bad as the skids can behave they don't need to hear that. Remember always, the children are half mom and half dad. If you want them to respect their father and you and other adults teach them by example. Be their role model.
Short story...when I first met my fiancé his two girls would call him stupid. Tell me he was stupid, etc. Since day one I told them to never say that to him or about him. I didn't want to hear it and it was mean. They continued every now and then to say it. I let them know that they were half their father and half their mother and whatever they would say about them they were saying about themselves. The insults towards their father stopped.
Regarding the information you have on BM cheating and such, you should not share with these girls. It will make you look and sound petty and will accomplish nothing because you have to understand their loyalty is with their mother. It will hurt you more than her. I think if I were you I would maybe explain to them that their mom and dad had their differences and therefore are no longer together but they still care about them, and now you are another person who cares about them to. Regardless of the adult issues that they are cared for and loved.
Now your SO...he may have made mistakes in the past by allowing certain BM dependency behaviors slide especially financially, but today is a new day and it's the present HIS future depends on HIM making certain decisions to make HIS life better. HE needs to stop letting BM get away with all her crap. He also has to stop all the crap with BM and have more self control. HE needs to write his goals down for himself and your life together, and what he wants to accomplish with his children. Then start working on each, if it means going to court do it, but do it in a fashion that will be beneficial to him and his future with you and his children. Otherwise it's just a pissing contest and it's a waste of time and energy.
Ultimately, everyone that has
Ultimately, everyone that has access to these girls is going to continue to gloss over the truth with them, but what happens when BM gets hauled away in handcuffs? THAT is what is going to screw them up. That, and knowing that they've been living a lie.
I'm still required by the family of inbreeds to be the quiet concubine in the corner, so the truth won't come from me. But I won't object if it's told.
Long haul ahead to undo all this damage. But it can happen...
I don't see SO referring to BM as anything whatsoever in the future. What will happen will happen as far as her pending legal problems. SO said he'll continue to keep and initiate contact with the girls, but he would not force them to be with him, that one day they will need him.
Zen, you are right that SO needs to concentrate on making his life better and ours together. Prior to this upset, SO stayed depressed and we didn't do much as a family. I told him it wasn't fair that his son missed out on being with him because SO couldn't handle his past. He's initiating more, he finally gets it that fun doesn't have to cost a fortune, and Little Man is having a ball.
Hope the New Year brings a lot more positive change.