Rags, I respect you and what you've done for your SS, but I'm going to have to throw the bullshit flag.

This quote: "If I were a parent in a 50/50 situation I would make it abundantly clear to the kid and to the other parent that I will keep my 50 whether the other parent or the kid(s) want to visit or not.

If the kid or the other parent wants to change the situation they are more than welcome to ask my permission but I will retain the decisioning authority and it will be MY decision. If I were a CP or in a 50/50 situation."

This is exactly how the PAS- and venom-spewing CPs see things. "It's going to be this way because *I* say so!! Take me to court, because they'll back me up, motherf****er!"

You and your DW got custody. Good for you. His father never had a chance because a) he's male, b) he's long distance, and c) he's a loser. The last is what's important, but I'll bet it's what counted least. Why else will the courts keep giving children to their perpetually unemployed, drug-using, living in the ghetto, unfit BMs when there's a competent BF around?

Our BM is fiscally irresponsible, backstabbing, and IMO, borderline emotionally abusive. There is absolutely NO WAY DH will ever get a chance at custody because she's BM, and that's all that counts. Never mind that the poor girl has no clue about the value of a dollar and will be in therapy for AGES once she's an adult because of the shit her mother has put her through.

That being said, I don't believe the child should have much of any say where he/she lives. Their wishes should make up, oh, maybe 10% of the case. The rest should be based on cold hard facts like who is the better parent and who can provide better. The BM bias in clear cases of neglect or money-grubbing (and we've all seen it) needs to end.

My DH received custody of SS and BM got custody of SD - long story why but that's the way it worked out. When SS was in middle school, he hated his school because he was pretty much lacking the social skill department. He spent most of his free time with my MIL & SIL, he had a few friends and his weekends were completely spent his sister. Not that he should have spent time with her but they were together every weekend and he's 7 years older. He came back from BMs after his Christmas visitation and proceed to tell my DH that he was moving in with his mother. She'd already gone to the school and un-enrolled him and re-enrolled him at the private school she wanted him to go to. DH was devestated. I looked at him like - why is this child telling you what he's going to do - grow a pair and step up. But DH was so scared that SS would hate him if he told him no that he caved. His relationship with SS basically went downhill from there - he never came for weekends or holidays. It was basically over. Now SS is 22 and we never see him unless he needs $$.
I think DH knew that if he fought it, it would involve a lengthy court battle and BM would win anyway since TX is all about the BM. We never see either of his kids anymore.

Kids should not choose because seriously they don't know how to wipe their ass properly and they think they can determine what is best for them. I think not!

We are going to be in that situation come January. Currently there is no court order but BM would be considered the CP. Unfortunately, her house is NOT the best place for her to live for way to many reasons to post. It is a horrible environment and SD is miserable there.

BM has said to us "I don't care if NC law says that she can choose when she turns 12. BMName's law says she stays in this house until she turns 18"

So far I have agreed with everything (that I have seen) that you post but on this one I have to disagree. What would you suggest in this instance?

We initially had 50/50 of all three skids who were under 18. One dropped out of high school, turned 18, and flew the coupe. He was couch hopping for about a year, telling people we through him out. He's 19 now, and sometimes sleeps on BM's couch. A heroin junkie w/o a diploma, car, or job.

That left SS12 and SD16 with us every other week. SD16 was a handful: shoplifting, drinking, drug OD, sneaking out, pregnancy scare, house break-in's, etc. Most of these things happened on her BM's weeks, as we were more strict. One Monday, BM pulls up to drop skids off for our week, and SD16 isn't there. SS12 informs us that she doesn't want to come. No discussion, BM won't return calls, SD won't return calls.

We decide it's no big deal, and are actually thankful to not have to deal with her drama for the week. Well, next Monday it was same thing, and the next, and the next. BM is incapable of communication, much less cooperation, there's no way she was going to send her back. And we really didn't want her back. Our home became a nice place to be once again, without her in it.

Other than the fact that she had absolutely no rules at BM's, it really wasn't a place she wanted to be. No computer, no house phone, no TV, no bedroom, shared bathroom, no laundry room, further from town and all the parties. What were we to do? It was a game to her. She was hoping we'd beg her back, or that her dad would file contempt of the CO, then she'd be able to come back and rule the place. No way, not gonna happen!

She was there for 8 months w/o a word, then she started texting her Dad and being all sweet. I thought, "Here it comes, she wants to come back." But that wasn't it. Her birthday was approaching and she wanted money. Birthday (and money) came and went, and she once again became silent. She'll quickly be no better off than her older brother. She's no longer going to school, SD12 says BM is homeschooling her. Pretty good trick considering BM is never home. We've had neighbors knock on our door in the middle of the night to say she's drunk and hitting up men in town to buy her more alcohol. We've had to find her and drag her back to her BM's, who doesn't even come to the door.

We both feel bad for letting her make that decision, but it was hers to make. At 17, there's not much else you can do as a parent if they aren't willing to let you. You can't force them to go to school, you can't lock them into their room at night, you can't be with them 24/7 to make sure they are doing all the right things. It's sad, but at this point, both her father and I are at the "not my kid, not my problem" phase. She's made her choices, she's going to have to live with them, and hopefully learn from them.

Our BM had custody for nearly 9 years. She constantly would argue that she listens to the kids and their needs and what THEY wanted. They would say they didn't want to come to visit? Mom says it's okay and she's listening to the kids and Dad is not listening to the kids. It was nonstop.

She wanted to move them away from her abusive husband so they could be closer to her online boyfriend. The kids of course wanted to go. They ended up hating it there.

She wanted to move back in with her abusive husband (she's abusive too by the way). The kids magically wanted that too....so they went. They all hated it.

She wanted to take SS out of 6th grade and homeschool him. Everyone advised against it. He didn't get any homeschooling. Missed half of 6th grade. But it's what he wanted.

SS missed 30+ days of school every year with BM. Apparently when a kid doesn't want to do something in that house, she listened to them and their teenage whims.

She wanted to move them half way across the country and they wanted to go with her.
She told them directly that they can talk to a judge and tell them what they want and the judge will listen to her.

We always thought DH would never have a chance in hell at getting custody. For him it was shocking when the decision came.

My favorite line of all time came directly from the judges orders:

SS13 and SD15 have both expressed their strong preference to remain with their mother. The court feels this is mostly because that's all that they know and that mom offers the path of least resistance which is not in their long term best interests.

Finally, someone got it. After many emails and conversations of threats from BM and even SD that a judge will just do whatever a teenager says.

I don't understand how a child can decide when there are so many other factors that a child (even a teenager) does not fully comprehend.

What's interesting is in our home the lack of all the problems BM use to have (missing a lot of school is no longer an issue, actually doing homework is no longer an issue).

But we didn't listen to what "they" wanted (skipping school, not doing homework).
They have adjusted well. BM use to tell DH that his SD would HATE him for making him live here. It's the opposite, they have grown closer.

I'm almost always doubtful when a parent says they leave such major decisions in a child's hands and never understood why someone would do that.

I also agree that a child not be allowed to make decisions regarding custody or visitation. But you would be amazed at the number of people that allow even very small children to decide this. I am thinking of a 4 year old ct of mine. The mom says, "she cries when its time to visit, I dont want to make her go" yikes! I told her that the dad is entitled to his time as is the child entitled to time with her father (whether she actually enjoys it or not!).
I had a really good childhood, but i can easily see situtions in which kids are troubled and on one day may want to live in one house and then next month they want to live in another.
Now that being said, if an older child (a teen) really wants to change the custody arrangement-i agree that this could be brought into a discussion betweent the child and both parents. If the child's wishes are appropriate and logical and all parents agree then in these cases i can see where a custody change might work-BUT it is still the decision of the parents.

The CP should view sending the child to the other parent in the same way they view sending the child to school.

If a child says they don't want to go to school, we still make them go. They don't get to decide.