Sooo, since my first entry my bf and I had a bit of a blow out. I've always heard that keeping your feelings bottled up would drive one insane. I feel like I was heading toward major depression, but last night the bf and I had it out. Amazingly, it was wonderful. I think partially because we never fight. He pointed out that I get on SD for every little thing, which to an extent, he's right. I do. She is 4 and I should lighten up a little bit. I just feel like if I give she's going to take more than I'm actually giving. She's famous for it. He says it's because I'm mad at BM for our current situation (see "the big vent"), which it's true that I am angry with her, but I'm angrier with BF than anybody about it for his lack of action. It felt great to get our feelings out and discuss things. My major thing was about BM being around to appear to be a good mom and only around when it's convenient. She'll be around for the start of preschool, kindergarden, middle school, high school, homecoming, you get my point, and brush me to the side even though I'm the one reading the bed time stories at night. I know that it's wrong to want to be there for those things for somebody else's daughter, but it's just not fair. Life isn't fair I guess. I've never wanted to take her place, but would it kill her to share down the road a little considering I'm the one teaching her to chew with her mouth closed, not interupt, reading the bed time stories, teaching her to match her clothes, teaching her responsibiliity with her chores. I just HATE it. I HATE the fact that I'm being the mom and I'm not the mom. I don't want to take away her daughter, I really don't, I'd never do that, it's just hard to stop these feelings when I'm basically her mom, and BM is the one who takes her away for 2 days, messes up her behavior with her lack of structure or discipline, and I have to fix it when SD comes home. I don't know why things like her "firsts" and not being able to be the one to take her dress shopping have been on my mind so much recently, but they have and I can't help it. Maybe I need to go back to my therapist.

Just realized I got way off track.... yeessshhh.... SD, BF, and myself had a great day. We went for a drive out in the country and to some walking trails. I got some beautiful pictures of SD playing in the leaves. It was perfect, like nothing in the world could go wrong. We had a great dinner, well it was pizza, but we were together, no arguements about eating, or chewing with our mouth closed. The I got some quality time with my honey. Perfect. I could only wish that tomorrow would be just as great. I give a lot of credit to our care free day to our discussion last night. We vented, and my mood was fabulous today!