Update: Resentments

FH and I talked a little today about the other night conversations about tactics moving forward with BM and my resentments.

First, we spoke about SD11 regarding a meeting we have to attend with the school doctor on Tuesday. He said he spoke with the teacher and told her that if BM was going to be at the meeting he would prefer to have a separate meeting because she is hostile towards him and feels it would not be beneficial. He said he rather have a separate meeting that exclusively focuses on SD11 issues with the school. He mentioned this way there will be no opportunity for conflict. Teacher said fine, she will contact him regarding another time for the meeting.

Second, he ask me what is going on with us. I said I don't know you tell me. I think I've said all I can say. He asked, do you think I've made too many mistakes with us and that you aren't able to forgive me? Because I asked you back when if you could forgive me and you said you could. I said I believe I can, but it takes time. It's difficult to forgive when things keep happening and nothing seems to change and if just keeps getting worse. He asked, have I made too many mistakes zen I need to know? I said, I don't know, I just know it can't keep happening. He said, I don't want all these things floating around in your head all the time. He says, we need to go to counseling and work it out. I said, ok. He said, I love you very much. I don't want you to think or feel you are second. I'm going to do what I can to make that happen. I want you to know that I will take care of you. It bothers me that you feel I don't. I don't know what to do about that. I said, I don't know. I'm not the type to ask for help, but when I do I only ask once and if you say you will do something for me I expect that to happen. I don't expect to ask again or follow-up.

I said, I expect you to take more ownership of your life and to learn to deal with BM without it making you or me crazy. It's not fair to us that BM keeps interfering in our relationship. I know we have both made mistakes in handling BM, but we are learning together, that's why I'm still here because I understand it's a process, but I also know we can't stay on the crazy train too much longer. He said, I know. I said, it's up to you. I've done all I can. I'm here and will be just need you to take control of the things you can control.

Then he had to go to work...so we will see what happens. Obviously, he needed a couple of days to process my resentments. Understandably since I did spew them out all in one sitting.

Let's keep our fingers crossed!

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Zen - if he is willing to go

Zen - if he is willing to go to counseling than take him up on it. Dh and I went 6 months into the marriage and it was a life saver - DH saw my point of view from a third party who was not partial - even the therapist at one point said he was being an asshole. My DH wanted me to be number 1 and also said he wanted to take care of me and loved me very much but did not show it sometimes - after that point be pointed out to him he changed - I am not saying overnight but he did change.

His coming to you and suggesting counseling was showing you it is bigger than him and he needs help - as I have posted many times now - our DH's were in a relationship with their ex's that did not work it may be the only way they know how to be in a relationship - we need to help them relearn what an appropriate relationship is like - I think you guys have a great second chance - help him understand you - Good luck and I will be praying for you.

Caregiver, you made me cry!!!

Caregiver, you made me cry!!! You are sooooo right. I agree with everything you just said, especially the part about them being in a relationship that didn't work and it's bigger than him.

Last night he got home, I unlocked the door, opened it and went and sat down on the sofa. He asked (sternly) why do you do that?! I said what? He said, get up unlock and open the door then sit down. You don't say hello you don't kiss me nothing. I said, I dont know you do it to me I figured that's what you wanted. He just walked away. But I started thinking (after crying from your post) that HE had that kind of unaffectionate relationship with his X. So, he wants something different with me. I'm very touchy feely loving on kind of person. Since we've been dating we always greeted eachother with a hug and kiss. Since we've been lining together not so much. I guess, I felt that because he didn't greet me that way that was what he wanted but guess I was wrong.

I will apologize to him tonight and let him know I will greet him a bit differently in the future.

I say if the kids are not

I say if the kids are not around I would be naked underneath a raincoat with a bottle of beer in my hand and watch his reaction then }:) }:)

But all kidding aside you do need to show him a new way and if he mentions something like that then you need to be receptive and pick up on it - also don't keep it in and let it build tell him how you feel - I always say my DH is not a mind reader or we would be a lot richer. You also sound like you need a date night - start out once a month and even if you have to hire a babysitter do it - you obviously loved each other and thought great things about each other at one time - you need to get back to that - when hubby and I are on a date we don't talk about the kids, work or any money problems - I get totally dressed up and we just talk about each other and our life goals and how we are feeling about each other - it really recharges the batteries.

Marriage is work and I mean constantly - your marriage is always evolving and you need to keep up with it - you both do - anything worth having is worth working for - we as stepparents have so much more on our plate than bio families - we have the added bonus (not) of a third person always being part of the equation and that is a fine line we have to walk constantly until the kids are adults - I feel once kids are adults all bets are off and it becomes completely about the two of you and if you don't work on it before that time there will be nothing at that time!!

We have date night every

We have date night every week, but for the past I don't know how long it has been mostly about BM and Skids until we get the buzz on and then it's all about us. Not good at all...the buzz yes, waiting until then to talk...it could be at least 4 beers+ in. lmao

but, yes you are correct...we do also believe that once the skids are 18+ we will ONLY focus on US. However, from now until then we need to learn new ways to make this work. Yes, we did and still do love each other greatly, however the stress of everything lately has been overwhelming and we have lost our way.

Tonight, I got home from work, he opened the door...asked if I needed help (I was still trying to get out of car) and then when I got to the front porch, he and I kissed!

He is my prince, the man I love with my entire heart. Honestly, we would have 90% of these issues if certain things would have been different with his situation, but also I look at myself...I have some damage from a very abusive xh and I take things sometimes a bit too heart or give tough love.

We are learning together and as I said to him when I met him. I have nothing, I am looking to build something with someone that is willing to love me regardless of everything and anything, or worse nothing.

With the kiss you are making

With the kiss you are making progress - keep it up!

It sounds like some of it

It sounds like some of it sunk in. Let's just hope that he internalizes what you've said and makes a strong attempt in correcting them. This will be a bumpy road for sure because he will get slack from BM, so hopefully he doesn't sink back into old habits.

Good luck to you and glad to hear there may be improvement!

How do we do it?! Really? It

How do we do it?! Really? It dies take a lot of patience. Which by the way, he told me I needed to be a bit more patient with him. I know it's a problem of mine patience no, tolerate yes! Guess, he has his own list of resentments. lol

Maux if you have any hints I'm willing to listen. I know it can be done there are plenty of people on STalk who have made the bumpy rocky unsteady journey and have had terrific marriages I'm willing to hear all the stories and hints. Sometimes I'm too much in my head type of person to see beyond my nose.

It does sound like your

It does sound like your message hit a willing ear, & his offer/suggestion for counseling is a good step forward. Good luck!

I believe it did thank you.

Wow, that is great Zen. I had

Wow, that is great Zen. I had to practically threaten to leave my DH for him to go to one marriage counseling session with me. He refuses to go back even though he admits that she helped.

Kudos to your SO for being open-minded and wanting you to be happy!!!

That's how it was in my last

That's how it was in my last marriage! Horrible, forcing him to go and knowing he didn't want to be there. My XH was a totally different kind of man. He was a sociopath , cheated on me 2.5 months after we were married and we took a delayed honeymoon so it was really only 4 weeks after we returned from our honeymoon. I should have left his ass then, but he begged me to forgive him and swore in his dead mothers grave he would never do it again. I believed him, he lied! Very sad, his mother must have turned over in her grave.

I hear ya...although my guy

I hear ya...although my guy would never cheat. At least it doesn't seem that way to me.

But I've come fast to the realization that one person cannot make a relationship work, no matter how hard that one person tries.

That is HUGE that he was the

That is HUGE that he was the one who suggested it! Most men wouldn't! I think you're going to be alright!

Thanks I feel good about it.

Thanks I feel good about it. I think it will be terrific for us. I feel we can both learn something.

Oh the other interesting thing, he put a stop time limit on the conversation about BM and skids. He said, ok it's been 30 minutes we are talking about this, we needto talk about us!

I was like, ok...(thinking, wow he is listening to Michael on physcoexwife.com). lol it was cute!

It takes a while to change

It takes a while to change inground habits. I call it Ghosts from Relationships Past.

When DH gets paniky and thinks I amm trying to pull away from him (his ex lead a life where he didn't know what her work looked like for a year and kept herself VERY private and still does I retrospect he felt more of a room mate than a husband which is very sad)I remind him that me going to Hobby Lobby to look at fabric and wait for inspiration isn't me cutting him our of his life. That would be me going to Michaels all day. He laughs at this because he relaises those Ghosts need to be controlled again.

Hahahaha! Cute story! Yes,

Hahahaha! Cute story! Yes, ghosts of relationships past. I have one if those too. Mine just has a permanent protective order on him.

Ahh..your hd sounds like he

Ahh..your hd sounds like he really loves you. I think you need to take down your wall a little bit, which is up for a good reason from your X, but this guy has opened up to you and when he made the comment to you about coming in the room and not saying anything, he really wanted you to jump his bones.heheh
Seriously, the conversation about my dh's X have completely stopped. We don't discuss her at all and the problems with SD have been said, and don't get said very often anymore. We too were at the place you 2 were at with "stepping out". Don't be afraid to be vulnerable to him now that you have talked by spontaneously giving him a hug, holding his hand, or pinching his ass when he walks by . I hope things get better for you. Oh, and tell him how you feel when he asks, they really don't know.

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