Zen… ((((((((HUGS)))))))
I was about to start a post entitled “I’m dying… he’s KILLING ME!” and then I read your post and you pulled a ton of my own pent up sadness, frustration, humiliation and anger out of my chest with your words alone… “I'm very sad! I love him very much.” That’s my mantra… it’s my prison.

I’m so sorry he’s being such a fence rider… his behavior is infuriating and you’re perfectly justified in your feelings and anger. All I know is this man had better get his priorities straight, he can be a perfectly devoted “dad” without being completely devoted to their birth mother. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through…

Wow, lady. My heart hurts for you. That's a lot to try to deal with every single day, and the lack of apology or insight on his end would frustrate the living shit out of me. I wish I had some sound advice; maybe counselling would be a good idea. It would be great if he could go, as maybe a third party perspective would force him to face the fact that it isn't just you overreacting but it's him that has acted straight out of line. Even if he doesn't want to go, maybe you should go for yourself so you have someone to help you work through some of the resentment. Other than that I guess the only option, if he doesn't change or accommodate your feelings, is for you to re-evaluate the relationship.

Again, I'm really sorry that you're struggling with this kind of nonsense.

Zen, I'm glad that you finally were able to let out your penned up feelings. I'm sorry he wasn't more engaged in the conversation, but he may have just been absorbing what you were saying. He probably has thought this whole time that this was "normal" behavior. You've definitely given him a lot to think about - maybe things will turn around.

I would say that although you love him so much, you might need to let him go. If he's yours, he will come back; if he's not, then he never truly was yours. He has a lot of issues to figure out and unfortunately he needs to do it, you can't do it for him. Stop being the stepping stone for this guy - either he's in it with you or he's not...there is no in-between. I'd say if things don't start changing immediately, you need to hit the door. You are only hurting yourself with holding all of this resentment and if he doesn't want to recognize it, then he's not worth keeping around.

IMHO, of course.

Good luck to you Zen.

Sweetie, you are totally valid in your thoughts and observations. Obviously he had not fully disengaged from her before you got involved (A-hole!) A couple of suggestions--pull back and do not try so hard. i.e. "beg for forgiveness" when you mess up. This situation is flipped around. He treats you like #2 and you act like it, like he is doing you a favor to keep you around. The kiss on the forehead? The no "I love you." He does that to keep you off balance, feeling that you need to earn his love and forgiveness. You are so right in your observations and he is damn lucky you stayed with him after all the lying, kowtowing to BM and deception.

This is my hard won advice from my own life: concentrate on YOU for a while. Do something nice for yourself every day. Think about what you want out of a relationship and life. Let him pursue you. Let him woo you. You need to flip this around so he is kissing your butt. And if he doesn't....believe me, you can do better than some skank's apron boy. Sorry to be harsh but this pisses me off.

So basically, you're tired of being "the other woman' in his life??? I don't blame you a bit b/c that's exactly how it seems. He has a chance to change it and he shows no initiative to do so. The resentment is building for you and if the two of you don't get in to some type of couples therapy, your relationship WILL implode. I lived a similar life with my FH in the beginning (right down to a one time sexual tryst between he and the Beast behind my back.) I was livid and it took much time to rebuild that broken trust. Still, my FH seemed to bend over backwards for that Beast, even knowing the damage he was doing to me... to us. Finally, I demanded couples therapy so I could prove to him how right I was about his overly friendly relationship with his ex-Beast (a woman he claimed he absolutely hated.) Once a professional pointed it out to him, how his continued contact with HER was killing any love and trust with me...he learned real quick which side he had to take. He maintains no contact with her at all unless there is an emergency with the kids. He has even figured out what a 'true' emergency is b/c of course that Beast would make EVERYTHING an emergency to hoover his a$$ back in, lol.
I really understand how you feel. Many (((((((HUGS))))) to you!

Best wishes.

I got to #9 and couldn't read any further. First of all, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
I know this guy...the liar who continues to sleep with his ex and then you find out about it...He is only going to take from you. He is not in a position to give ANYTHING to you. Get the F*&K out of there!!! FAST!!!!

What a load to release! What an awful feeling to carry around. I don't have advice to offer. I just wanted to tell you that your post reaches into places that I struggled to reach in my first marriage. I hope that your FH will take some time to truly ponder your words & your feelings & that they will mean enough to him to make him check his priorities & reflect on what he wants to have in his life. You sound like an incredibly patient & forgiving woman. If these are things you've discussed with him in the past & he has not changed, he may just assume that you will always be patient & forgiving. He needs to understand that even the most patient & forgiving people have their limits & if he doesn't alter his practices & acknowledge sorrow & regrets for his faults he will find himself alone as he watches you venture down a path that will lead you to happiness.

I went through this with my ex. Our problems were always the SAME problems. When I'd finally had enough & told him I'd made a decision to leave & was looking for a place, he broke down in tears & asked, "Why didn't you tell me it was this bad?" My reply was, "For months I have cried to you. I have yelled at you. I have begged you to work on this with me. What more could I have done to indicate that it was this bad? Why are my tears & pleas NOT enough to tell you that it is this bad?" He had nothing to say.

I feel for you & the hurt that you've been carrying.

Ahhh Zen I am so sorry I understand how you feel. My DH wasn't completely truthful with me about him and BM when we first got together. He would go over to BM's place to see SD in the beginning. Of course, I had no say in how he spent time with his daughter, and she was young, so I kept my mouth shut. He would get texts from "his friend" (it was BM, he had her under one of his guy friend's names that was actually seeing BM at the time, thinking I was that dumb I wouldn't figure out it was her) You know, texts for things that there was something in the house that needed to be fixed, extra $$$ needed to be paid, meet here, meet there, etc etc etc. Then, like you GUT feeling something was up. From one of my older posts, I had written that I found a videotap of what DH told me was his kid's first x-mas. Wrong. It was him, BM, and kid with him having bought BM presents and calling BM honey and sweety and videotaping HER as well as kid....that was our FIRST x-mas together. Yeah, I've never really been able to get over that. The fact that he lied about it for years....the fact that he didn't give me the chance to decide if I wanted to stay around when it happened and he decided to try to make a go with his ex-g/f to try to "be a family" while he was with me, the fact that he lied about what it was when the video popped up, the fact that he told ME to get out when he got home because he scooped up the kid like i was some sort of threat to her (rediculous, would never do anything like that ever).

I also understand how you feel with the experience of having been put on the back burner. It's not so bad as it was, but there was a point in time where he was always first in my life and i was either 2nd, 3rd, 4th at best. Never 1st.

It's like you tell him what bothers you. And you tell him over and over and over again. Because you don't see an improvement. You don't see any form of true sympathy or regret on his end for making you feel like shit on the bottom of his shoe. So THAT breeds MORE resentment that he's not putting forth the effort to try to correct his shortcomings. It's just a nasty circle of crap. I'm sorry you are going through this, I feel you!!!

I want to share some advice that i just learned at the ripe age of "almost" 40. I couldn't figure out why it was always me complaining and like you being so mad and telling him that i resent him and didn't respect him. We are all so quick to point it out, but we ALWAYS forget to ask ourselves why are we frustrated. We have become to focused on their ignorant and disrespect behaviors and forget about how we feel. I try very hard now to not point out what my DH does that is wrong, but i tell him how it makes it me. We are all human and while almost all men seem heartless, they understand if you keep it simple. "Ya know when....well i get so shaky inside and can't breath to the point where I feel like im ball, it hurts". I posted somewhere else, i remember doing it for the first time and DH said, "why didn't ya just say that". He hugged me and apologised right on the spot. I snickered when he left the room, and said to myself, heheheh it really works. Hope it helps.

I have a question: It seemed from your post that FH has cheated on you with BM. Is that so? Because if it is, there is NO WAY I could stay.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with those nasty feelings everyday and have been putting up with something most wouldn't!
Of course, reading it like that I'm thinking GET OUT but I'm not in the situation. What I can say is I hope you figure this out and become happy again!