Wow, I didn't know I would start all of this. And, BTW, I need help with all of the acronyms here.
Well, how do I explain this? One post keeps talking about our affair. Yes, he was still living with her when he met me. However, their marriage was not good and they lived very different lives. And, I don't know if it makes any difference, but we are 47 and she is 40. We did not feel that we were having an "affair." We met and became friends and then began to see each other. Then he told me his situation and that he did not want to lose his children. My partner is from a European country and does not read English very well. She told him that in America he would lose his children and never see them again if he left. He was also afraid of the wrath of people like you, the families involved and his children. So, he stayed unhappy for 8 years. After he told me he was married and had children, I told him that I'm not the woman for this type of situation. I've never been married and have no children. I did not want to get deeply involved in a situation that I knew I would leave. My life was simple, but happy. He asked me to give him some time to figure things out. He knew that she would go crazy as she began having mental problems after the death of her father. She was volatile and aggressive during their marriage. My partner is a very quiet, gentle man. Even now he almost never raises his voice to her and in some situations he is terrified of her. In any event, he decided he wanted to leave and asked her for a separation. That is when she started to act like this. Her first response was to trash the house and throw the 4 year old in the car and drive off into the night. Then the police found her on the side of the road and took her to the hospital. She did that a few times. He remained in the house to protect the children for several months. On every phone call there was screaming and crashing and children screaming in the background. I finally called her and told her I was going to call 911 and some of it stopped. Finally one night my partner was taken to the hospital by ambulance due to her hysteria and violence. She actually called 911. He left that night and went back only during the day to see the children. He even stayed into the evening to eat and sit with them, but not sleep there. He went to the schools to pick them up... He made a choice to leave his wife, not his children. After that were the "suicide" attempts and he had to go back under a DCFS agreement not to leave her with the children. After that she hired a marriage counselor who he told he wanted a divorce. During the session she threw picture frames at him and the counselor had to leave.
So, you say, we deserve what we got? I made a choice? That's for sure. I made a choice to stay with the best man I have ever met and suffer the consequences. During all of this she never asked him what went wrong. Her phone calls were about his responsibility to her. She has never worked, quit college that he paid for, ran up her cell phone bill over $1200.00 on text messages and Internet games (I called the company). Taken thousands of dollars out of the bank (went into the bank statements), did not pay the car payments and got one repossessed, did not pay the car insurance and got that cancelled, let him drive for four months with no auto insurance. And he should stay married to a woman like that? How do you do nothing with your life for 20 years, especially when someone paid for your college? Do you think that we don't sit up until dawn discussing the state of the children? Calling and visiting psychologists, the attorney and mediators? The point is now that the children are suffering and in order to get them to some type of normal life he has to win custody. She will not go to therapy as she says nothing is wrong with her. It will have to be court ordered. But, this was not to be about me. She can say whatever she wants to me, but the way she is acting and treating her children is abhorrant.

Thanks! Whoever Lifeisshort is keeps pounding the infidelity point, missing the real issues. That's kind of the Lifetime For Women view of the situation. Rotten husband leaves long suffering wife for young, hot thing. So not the case here. It was never my intention to reveal so much info but couldn't get past those posts. What I really want is to talk to other women who are experiencing the same thing and get some insight. This is not the sort of thing that I want to share with friends. Too much burden on them. I never called the police or Social Service agencies because my partner asked me not to. He does not want the kids to see her in jail. I should have called the night she dented my car and attacked him on the street (then the high speed car chase). I'm so sorry I didn't. DCFS is still involved and we have had meetings with them. They are sending the kids for counseling but the case worker will not reveal if the BM is going for counseling. Trying to get info from them is like watching paint dry. Just wait and wait. No organization, no follow through and reports that are incorrect. Don't know!
Thanks for the support!

Thank you for all of your comments. Can I just add that in college I was a Sociology and Women's Studies major. I was going to go into feminist law. I changed to education for my graduate degree. I have been involved in many abused women's activitsies including volunteering at abused and homeless women's shelters. I like to think I'm sane minus the human condition. No one should be abused, however, that includes men. I think I have changed to a humanist rather than a feminist since I have been in this situation. I was not in their house for 20 years and didn't see what went on. From knowing my partner, however, he is a good man who didn't know how to get out of the marriage. If he wasn't a good man she wouldn't be trying so hard to get him back. Even now he trys to treat her with respect but she has no respect for herself. Also, being divorced does not give you the right to unbridled aggressiveness and abuse. I am finding out how biased our system is as we go along. I laugh when I think that in the beginning my concern was that I would be jealous of her children and I was terrified to meet them. I didn't know if I could handle being with his children as I have none of my own. Now I wish I could just take them far away and take care of them, especially emotionally.

Thank all of you for your stories. It helps me gain some insight. Are we over the "affair" business now and can we move on? I've read other posts that sound similar to mine... I find it sad that these ex's do these terrible things and lie about what happened. As for taking responsibility for one's actions, the BM's need to take some, too. I've never been married, but I've been left. Looking back I can see that the relationships had reached a lifespan. For whatever reasons they had run their course and could not be revived. For me personally most of it was that I changed and we did not fit together in the same way any longer. There is only one ex who I blame, but I say thank God he left me.
I also find it sad that in this day and age women still leave themselves financially dependent on men. Even if they choose to stay at home and raise children they should obtain an education or skill throughout the years so that they do not end up dependent. As in my partner's case he has been layed off and simply does not have the resources he used to.
So, for step parenting, I would like to get some feedback. Now you know the background so it will make sense. When the 4 year old girl comes to stay, she is a terror. She is not used to rules, meal times, bed times or good behavior. She won't eat anything but McDonald's chicken nuggets, doritos, chips candy, etc. I've bought kiddie plates, Barney cups, princess cups, Barbie utensils in an effort to interest her in real food. You guessed it, that's what she eats with BM. She has run off out the door (now we have chains), hid in the closet and pulled my parrot's feathers out. My approach has been to have talks with her and give her choices (eggs or cereal, greenbeans or corn, etc.)explain how running off could be dangerous etc. So, how do I deal with a child whose mother does not have rules in her house? We do all sorts of fun and interesting things with her, but the mundane daily act of living is where we have problems. Then there is the BM issue. One night the child said " I don't live here, this is not my house, you are not my momma." I simply told her that she had two houses, one with her momma and one with her daddy and you are loved at both houses. What to do?

OMG, we took her to the pool all summer with a Coast Guard flotation vest. She was told not to get into the water without the vest on. NO MATTER WHAT, or you may drown. What do we do????? Take off the vest and jump into the 10 foot end. Good thing I was a lifeguard back in the day. One day she was at the pool with BF so I could get some work done in the house. He comes running into the laundry room panting have I seen his daughter? She simply ran out of the pool area through the locker room and into the parking lot (condo) and into the buildings where she got lost. A nice lady brought he back to the pool. I so wanted to spank her, but didn't. In a very deep, emotional discussion, BF tells me "you are her second mother." Hmph, if that's the case then you and BM are FIRED from parenting. My take is that if the BM is raising her this way, unless he get custody soon the behavior will be too entrenched to change. Yes, several mornings in the car I just told myself, "not my kid." Of course we can't stick to that, can we? I even refused to talk about her for two weeks and attended to my own problems. I've put locks on the parrot cages and put away dangerous stuff. Now when BM plays games and doesn't let him take her, I say nothing. BTW, is it normal for a four year old to want a bottle 2 times a day?

Yes, we have fun, too. Sometimes we dress her in a pretty outfit and do her hair and then make daddy close his eyes and surprise him. She tries hard to be grown up. Yes, I'm surprised how step parents are given such a bad rap... Thank you, thank you, for not judging, all of you, (except one):) I'm not one to lay down in defeat, I try to get help and answers, but this is so challenging. I haven't even spoken of the boys who won't talk to me because I'm a "whore." We've sat at restaurants and not spoken for the entire meal, each staring at his or her food and my partner telling them to have respect. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh