I just have to leave a comment. I am dealing with the same issue...no advice but I know how you feel. it is like having 2 circle...him and his family in one and you all alone in the other. I deal with this daily and have for almost 5 years. My 8yo SD is manipulative and conniving when DH is around and he can't see it. She feels she can talk to me any way she wants and that is ok. If not careful you start getting bitter and resentful no matter how hard you try not too. Wish I had some advice. Being a Step is hard is all i know!!

Right off the bat, I sense he doesn't support you, because anybody could see that this is a phase the SS is going through, and blaming you is likely a way to get between you and your DH. Very unsupportive. Let him do that and disengage. You acted like a normal person, I assume, and that is overlooked.

Let him do his own groceries, hell, if he wants to go halfway with groceries, why not everything else? It's stupid.

To be defensive about it would make him (them) right. You will feel less hurt and frustrated if you disengage. Possibly even more independent.

Good luck

You are not wrong to be upset!! I would be upset too if he told me we're going to have seperate groceries. I would think this is real life not college roomates. What about instead of seperate groceries tell SS17 or have DH tell SS that he can eat whatever, but if it's in excess ie a gallon of oj in a day, he (SS) has to go out and purchase another gallon for the house. That way he will take responsibility for his actions. Another thought is have him have input into the meals, maybe give him a day to buy groceries and cook the meal.

Big Hugs!!

Ok, if it were me I would say Yippee! Let him buy his own food and stock the fridge. Take advantage of it, don't resent it. Chances are after a month of this he will be asking you to do the shopping again because it's "just too hard". Honestly, I would shake his hand, give a big smile and say "Great idea honey!"

I think both sides have points. However, I would like to say that this is just game-playing on SS's side - AGAIN -- wah wah she scolded me now I'm on hunger strike? A bit much isn't it? No, it is not normal. A normal dad would tell him not to be a hog. He only eats if you make a big dinner? DH is going to take that over. Should be interesting.

You are not a monster - the whole reason for him not eating is completely ridiculous and DH should have never even approached you on it - he should have talked SS a long time ago and straightened him out. Almost seems like SS went on a hunger strike to prove a point to you which is so stupid because you did not even know it was your issue.

If this has been an issue from 2 years ago - the kid should have spoken up before - are you sure that the being underweight is not from a medical condition or using drugs - just saying - most teenage boys I know would not care what their parents said about eating and would just eat.

And it is utter crap that Dh waited this long to talk to you about it - first off tell him to grow a set and second off I know you were not telling him he could not eat for 2 years - the whole conversation would have just pissed me off. I say let DH buy his food as someone mentioned above he will get tired of it and it will go back on you. Husbands seem to think that running the house is easy until they have to do it.

Speaking of cutting off one's stepnose to spite one's stepface, what a little jerk!

If this were me, I'm afraid I would have no choice but to tell DH that if he went through with this, he would have to make other arrangements for SS17 when DH was not available to parent him. As in drop his manipulative little ass off at daycare or hire a babysitter.

That is NOT bringing anyone together as anything. It's terrorism, and in YOUR house. Unexcusable.

I'd run with his idea actually:

While you're keeping the food in separate fridges, make sure you have your own cupboard. And the next time the skids are there, make sure your DH cooks THEIR meals with THEIR food, and you make your own. Be sure you clean up after yourself ONLY - your DH can wash their dishes/tidy up after their meal. And don't forget dessert! I'd buy myself a BIGASS cheesecake, and right when they're all sitting aroud, pull it out of YOUR fridge, cut a nice slab for YOURSELF, and eat every.last.crumb. }:) I'd do this for a few days, and I don't think the "theirs and yours" fridge will last too long.....

But that's just my opinion, and I'm bitchy like that

This is such BS. SS is obviously trying to be manipulative and get DH to side with him on something that is (imo) utterly foolish.
I wouldn't allow the separate food thing to happen. We are a family and have to be considerate of everyones feelings. In my case SD12 has decided not to come anymore because her silly games of trying to wriggle in between dh and I were not working.
Families that are supportive of each other do not have separate fridges and DH's that are supportive of their wives wouldn't go along with that.

I also think the 'ours' and 'yours' fridge is incredibly symbolic and very negative. It's divisive and the crazy idea of a desperate man who has lost touch with common sense. What's next, a cabin in the yard for DH and SS to sleep in together, and you sleep in the house so you don't have to have any conflict over chores? Maybe separate gardens so no arguments over plants being ruined by games. Hey why not get separate houses, oh wait, why not get a divorce. A therapist is a great idea, I hope to God your DH gets on board with the idea.

wow!!! i would confront the kid and be like "is this really the reason for all this? " and get his story... ur husband should be more considerate on ur part by realizing how much uve done and stick up for u over something so little, not against u!

Ridiculous! your ss is full of crap-I just cant believe your dh buys into it-i would confront dh and ask him if he truly believes that one comment you made 2 years ago about him drinking excessive juice is responsible for his eating issues. It's just the blame game again. Let's blame sm for every possible thing because it's just so convenient. I get onto my kids ALL the time for drinking/eating all of something right away. In fact I rarely buy juice period because my kids will drink it all in like an hour.
My ss, 12, hardly speaks to me (basically only when spoken to) but dh will occassionally try and say it's because he's afraid that I wont respond to him. I confront this bs immediately as soon as he says it. Really? SS is afraid I wont answer despite the fact that each time I see him I start conversations with him? Or maybe he thinks that because I've directly encouraged him to speak to me and that I want to hear about him and his life? Whatever. I think your ss at 17 is old enough for you to confront himself as well. I would go to him and let him know how sorry that you are that he is so scared. (you would think he would be embarrassed to be such a wuss). And that you didn't know that he was so frightened that you might ask him not to drink or eat something excessively. Assure him that you never wanted him to be so scared, frightened,and terrified but that you only didnt want him to become ill from overeating/drinking and that you also wanted to make sure that there was enough for everyone. You could also suggest that he get some professional help for his fear issues.
I would think if you are really over the top-he will feel like an idiot-which he is indeed acting like. And perhaps that will shut him up.

Grayskies - this is yet another example that you need to point out to your SO about helping SS reach adulthood in a way that won't alienate him from other people. For example, some kids go to college and live with other kids where they share food or all put $$ in a kitty for food and buy communal groceries. Some kids go to college and buy their own food, and everyone eats their own. Either way, SS needs to learn the value of what is purchased, how to make it last due to budgetary concerns, and how to respect communal property.

That's not a skid living at home lesson. That's a life lesson. In my non-college-educated opinion, I truly believe that you need to stay the course of "every thing I am trying to correct this skid on is from the point of his future well-being, his future relations with other people, including co-workers, girlfriends, wives, etc." You really can't be accused of not having his best interests at heart if you stay consistent with that message.

As far as your SO locking you out of your bedroom on your birthday - that was heartbreaking to read, and I am so sorry you went through that. I have to say that your SO sometimes acts like a spoiled child, and it will be difficult to get his children to learn any other lesson, if he continues to treat you that way. I'm sorry that happened to you. I really wish it could be better. DH here used to shut down. He wouldn't speak to me, if he was angry and he would pull away. I am the complete opposite. I need the blow-up, the argument and then it's over and move on. We each had to adjust our disagreement styles. I am thinking that you and SO may need to work on that together as well.