dh and i have been in a downward spiral the past couple of months. august/september was full of threats of divorce and the realization that neither of us are the same person anymore, and not in a good way. we talked about therapy, i found a few therapists, but scheduling/arguing/life kept getting in the way. i was trying to make a last ditch effort.....and realized its *always* me trying to make the changes. frustrating. i decided that one more time, i would try, and that was it. otherwise, i would have to focus on myself and make plans for my own future. things cannot stay the same and be healthy for anyone. i found a different therapist, who was way too far away to go to, but out of desperation, called anyways. i was able to talk to him, started crying, and he suggested we talk for a few minutes. what he said was rather enlightening, and might help somebody somewhere with the same issue (probably not for sm's with younger kids, tho).

i told the whole story....years of sd19 and her temper tantrums, ss17 getting bad grades, no drivers license/chores/job and not doing much of anything except playing video games, bm coming back in the picture after years of abandonment, dh's guilty parenting, my anger and resentment. this is the gist of what he said:

*that while i am in the middle of this mess, i did not cause it. it started years ago with the animosity between dh and bm. her abandonment put dh in the role of "super daddy" and its one he has been living in for many years. any suggestion by me that his guilty parenting is wrong will be met with hostility, because he is proud of and has embraced that role so much. i cannot change it and will hurt myself trying.

*arguing over parenting will never result in change. all discussion regarding parenting MUST be done in a therapist's office, with a mediator. i will have to talk with dh, explain to him that this situation is becoming hostile, and our marriage will end in divorce if we do not do this. no discussion of parenting at all. i hand everything over to dh. not a power and control situation, just that he is totally responsible for all aspects of ss17's life. no driver's license? dh is responsible for getting up early and taking him to school. this puts dh in a position total responsibility-and takes me out of the maid/chauffeur/chef role with no say so on discipline/structure. that may seem frustrating, but that closes the door on me arguing over guilty parenting, and dh claiming that i am "abandoning" the family by disengaging. if dh wants changes, HE must make that appointment with the therapist. until then, he will be doing all of the parenting (or non).

*dh will not want to go to therapy because he KNOWS deep down that what he is doing is wrong (enabling his child to the point of crippling his development). if and when he does make that appointment, we (the therapist) would be working on strengthening the marriage and coaching dh on how to "transfer responsibility to his son" (ie getting a driver's license, getting a job, better grades, etc).

*once the arguing is has stopped, there will be a big hole left in our relationship. we have grown accustomed to the fighting now. it might seem awkward because its become a habit. we are to fill that time and space with nurturing, loving, mutual bonding together. this will help us to learn if parenting is the whole problem or not. if our time is filled with bonding and nurturing, we can make it. if we continue to find other things to fight over (above and beyond the norm) we will know its not going to work.

*this may seem like ss17 will be the "loser" here, if dh avoids therapy to continue guilty parenting. it cannot and will not be my responsibility. it is the responsibility of dh and bm. its their kid. at the very least, there will be less tension in the house, our marriage will be stronger, and that will help set a precedence for ss17.

i talked with dh about it, enforcing the point about how this issue has grown larger than what we can deal with and something had to be done. he agreed. there has been peace and quiet in our house since. i've noticed us both slowly returning to the people we once were, even tho its only been a few weeks. there have been a few times both of us tried to blurt out something about ss17 and we both stopped and got quiet. its not a total solution, but in a lot of ways, its re-directing our time and energy to why we got married in the first place.