sorry this is really long, but i needed to include some background, and i really need some advice, especially from those with teenagers.

ok, the last year and a half has been really rough. completely disengaged from ss17, and sd20 lives out of state. dh had been threatening divorce a lot, since he is always "caught in the middle". things would be ok for a few weeks, then arguing, then ok. a few weeks ago, dh confessed that ss17 really is flunking out of high school. graduation is in june, and he's not going to make it. (also, has no job, no girlfriend, does no chores, no drivers license, but i digress). dh is concerned. i basically shrug my shoulders at him because he continues to guilty parent and is now seeing the harm being done. the kid stays up all night long playing video games, goes out every weekend all weekend long, etc. he previously accused me of being "too controlling, etc etc etc" which is why i disengaged in the first place. not my kid, not my problem.

dh becomes really upset and we have several arguments (mostly consisting of "i cant live like this anymore") before dh finally says "ok, i dont know what to do for ss17, please help me". hmmmmm, normally i would help him with anything in the world, but this is one giant pitfall. i think maybe he has hit some type of rock bottom with this situation, and is truly afraid for his kid's future.

the three of us sit down together and talk. i draw up a contract for all three of us to sign, one that states since i have more free time than dh, i will help ss17 with driving lessons, cooking lessons, homework etc, and in return, everyone will trust in the situation and adhere to it. one of ss17's biggest issues is that he is VERY forgetful, and unorganized.....i have always thought he has some kind of attention deficit, but dh's has continually blown that off (for the last 9 years we've been together). so this contract states that there will be a lot of research papers involved, to help him focus his time....if ss17 isnt understanding things, he will write a paper on it, to keep and use as a guide (laundry instructions, cooking, etc) since the goal is to have him graduate high school, but gain independence as well. (or else he's in our basement forever-not going to happen). everyone agrees, signs the paper. done.

first few weeks go ok....dh is happy, ss17 seems pretty happy, i am thinking "oh my god, this could work.....dh actually sees the light??" ss17 is actually thanking me for doing all of this. he did blow off quite a few things, and was assigned extra chores and papers, but he's working on it. actually did better on some tests at school. most importantly, we talked about it all and WHY we're doing this. ss17 will be 18 in four weeks....he has the maturity of a 12 year old, and has not and probably can not hold down a job.

last saturday, i found 8 pairs of ss's jeans in the washer. they had been there for days, were still in various stages of being wet, and when i removed them and tried to use the washer, it wouldnt spin. broken. i texted dh and told him that ss17 was going to do a paper on laundry, to be hung up in the laundry room as a guide. i've showed him how to do laundry about 50 times since i've known him, and he either doesnt care, or really seriously has attention span problems. (i kind of borrowed this idea from rags' ss writing out sentences) also, ss will be paying for any repairs on the washer. dh agrees.

sunday, instead of receiving a paper on laundry, i found a two page typed letter addressed to dh and i. it goes into detail on how he disagrees with "uncessary punishments" and "scoffs" at the idea of writing this paper. he says his intelligence has been insulted and that he will be choosing the activities HE wants to do from now on.

i'm thinking "ok, well, sorry kiddo, not going to happen". dh simply says "talk to him about it, youre basically in charge now". i say "i will talk to him, but we're doing this together, right?" right. i talk to him, get snarky teenage attitude, but he says he understands why we're doing all of this. its ok.

monday, dh and i are both off of work together....we have the best day we've had in a very long time. LOTS of talking, lots of togetherness and its really good. we can do this.

tuesday, ss is home from school at 10:30am. i ask why and he says he has testing at school, doesnt have to be there until noon. he just hopped on the computer to check his facebook and will be right off. (computer time is a HUGE problem, he has been late for school so many times because he stays up late playing video games, doesnt bother to do homework and here we are). ok. i hadnt been checking his facebook in a very long time. disengaged, doesnt matter, its on dh. but i did on tuesday.

he had posted this "i am going to bash my step mother's head in with a frying pan if she insults my intelligence one more time". sd20 then posted "its about time that bitch goes down". bm posted "oh honey i am so sorry you have to live with that bitch, i am going to rescue you for spring break! cant wait to see my baby before he goes off to college!". this shows you how delusional bm is...........she has seen him a total of maybe? three months in visitation in the past 14 years. i have parented her child more than she ever has in his whole life, and she apparently doesnt even have a f*cking clue that her kid is flunking out of high school.

i am shaking. i could care less about sd20, she is a spoiled rotten princess, and even dh knows this. but bashing my head in? i dont have any kids, um, do teenagers say these types of things? is this kid for real? i show it to dh. he reads it over and over again. he lowers his head and says "well, thats that. he is no longer welcome in our house". i stay very very quiet through this whole thing. i dont even know what to say. dh texts sd20 and tells her off. he texts bm and says "he's all yours, come and get him, you f*cking b*itch". he texts ss17 and tells him to get home from school immediately. i have to go to work, but ss came home later, and dh kicked him out of the house. dh is an extreme guilty parenter. he has coddled this kid so much, he is pretty much non functional. i am beyond shocked that he did this. ss goes to a friend's house to stay. bm texts dh and tells him that since she is taking community college classes now, ss cannot live with her. she doesnt have time. wtf??

last couple of days....dh has stayed home from work. he has been drunk most of the time, and he is NOT a big drinker. it started out with "im so so so sorry, you've been through way too much with my kids". i say nothing about his decision, other than ask if ss is truly capable of doing something like that, and does he have a key to our house??? yesterday, it changed to "you know if you hadnt started all of this with the papers and sh*t this never would have happened!! i dont know what to think, that kid was under way too much pressure! he's on the streets now, my little boy! if he really really wanted to live with bm he would have taken the bus down to her house, he doesnt want to live with her, he wants to live here!!".

i stopped talking to dh. at all. the only thing i said was "i KNOW you are hurt and angry right now. i KNOW you are shocked at what ss said, but do not put your anger on me. i know you want to be angry at someone but its not me". thats the last i said.

do kids say stupid sh*t like this? was dh wrong for kicking him out of the house? i dont know even what to think about all of this, other than yet again, the sympathy goes to ss and i'm the bad guy.