So, the kid doesn't want to be there, you don't want him/her there...does your DH want to see him/her? If not, I would refuse the childcare. Kids benefit from having a father figure, but I think it could be reversely detrimental to the child to just try to attach them to the nearest available male, specifically if he doesn't feel some strong bond or love for the child.

I agree stepkate. If no one but BM has anything to gain from the situation, then you shouldnt be dealing with it.

I do have sympathy for this little boy put in the middle, but if you really see that he doesnt enjoy being with you, and your DH doesnt have any kind of attachment to him, then its not your problem. Just dont get clouded with the anger you have over irresponsible BM (i know i do), and let it out on the little boy.

I have a situation that's somewhat similar. DH met BM and from what I've been told, they were never really in a relationship, but SD11 resulted in a couple-of-nights stand. DH has always supported SD. When SD was 3, he wanted to try and make his "family" work so he moved BM from several states away to live with him. She brought with her a 1 year old daughter that she got pregnant with while married to another man - BUT she's not that man's kid. Classy, right? DH's family has told me that they discussed it with him at the time and he decided that since he was likely the only dad this child would ever know, then he would own up to that commitment to the fullest and he became her father too. We have no idea who her real father is and aren't even sure BM knows.

While DH and BM were living together and trying to make it work, BM soon became pregnant again with her third child. Almost as an afterthought, DH married her during the final stages of the pregnancy that resulted in SS now 6. Shortly after SS was born, BM complained that DH didn't make enough money so he took a job that put him on the road 10 days on, 4 days off. When SS was about 6 months old, DH came home to find BM had moved in a druggie boyfriend and kicked DH out of their house. Soon after, he was slapped with exorbitant CS and felt trapped working on the road and unable to help his kids by being there for them though he fully funded BM's druggie lifestyle.

I met DH a year and a half to two years later and convinced him, he wasn't powerless. He didn't have to let his children be raised by a meth junkie. He got custody of all 3 kids two years ago, BM cleaned up her act and they stay with her EOWknd, but pays no CS ... for now.

I have to say, if she's on drugs, he shouldn't leave his child(ren?) in that situation. If you can, you should try for custody. Start documenting all of her crazy behavior. Start writing to law enforcement and visit the courthouse in the area and get all the dirt you can, documentation of arrests, convictions. Be sure and get all the info on whatever boyfriends she's had living with her for the past two years. If you believe things are really bad in her home, call CPS on her.

It is a lot of drama, but you can take control of the situation. As for the the kid that's not DH's kid, if he's never developed a close relationship with him, then it is what it is. BM can't force DH to be a free babysitter to a kid he has no real attachment to. He needs to put his foot down and tell BM she's living in a fantasy world.