I need my fellow steptalkers to help me out here...

I feel very lost and unfocused. I can't find my "old self". Not sure if this makes any sense to anyone out there. Does anyone else feel this way in this crazy world of stepparenting???

I used to be happy all the time, rarely frustrated or in a bad mood...now it's hard to find happiness

I used to be organized, neat, meticulous all the time...now I have an office full of clutter and don't know where to start

I used to be motivated and help others become motivated (I was told many times over the years by others that I should be one of those "self-help/motivational speakers" because I was so good at helping others do more with their lives and helping others...now I feel like I would be the world's biggest hypocrite if I did that

I used to feel "in-control" and on top of things in my life...now I feel lost, helpless and that my life is spinning into chaos and totally out of control.

I used to be able to overcome so many difficult events in my life - some examples: the death of my oldest sister when I was only 25, the death of my father when I was 32, the sudden death of my mother when I was 35...now I feel like I have absolutely no strength at all to deal with the smallest obstacles life throws at me.

I can't pinpoint when this all started and when my life changed. I feel like something, somewhere has literally "sucked" all of the energy and happiness out of me - out of my body, mind and soul. I can honestly say that I THINK some of this started when I first started dating my BF 6+ years ago and had to encounter all the drama & chaos that this whole world of stepparenting entails: selfish, narcissistic, drama-queen BM, 2 skids (SD15 & SS12) that are just like some of the skids that are described on Steptalk - although overall they are "good" kids, they are just two of the most spoiled, entitled, obnoxious, unappreciative, uneducated children I have ever met in my life.

I think I came here for HELP...I feel like I'm standing on the edge and I'm ready to JUMP over the wall and out of this whole stepparenting hell. It's not just the skids - it's everything:

It's the way my BF will constantly make "excuses" for skids when they don't do the right thing
It's the way both my BF and BM will stick their heads in the sand when skids are failing classes, failing out of school
It's the way I feel like I'M THE CRAZY ONE when the skids run around with no rules, no consequences and have NO ONE teaching them responsibility for themselves (and self-sufficiency) - when the skids are taught that life is "Disneyland", no chores

Also, I am really getting tired of constantly having to "take the high road" with everything that is BM & skids (and with BF allowing himself to be "doormat status" with the 3 of them).

I'm tired of feeling like I may have wasted the past 6+ years of my life being patient and waiting for BF to WANT to marry again, even after all of the hell BM has put him through (again, not my fault, but somehow I always get the "brunt" of it).

Well, I know that my "old self" is deep down in there...somewhere...wanting to come back. I just can't figure out how to find her. I know that my "old self" is there because I'm getting to the point where I'm having thoughts of leaving my situation so that I can find true happiness, even if it means I may have to go through years of heartache and devastation to get there...

I love my BF with all of my heart - when I picture myself as an old lady, I can totally see growing old with him. However, I don't know if I can "hack" it with the whole CS situation, unappreciative skids, selfish BM and "doormat" BF anymore.

We all know there are countless different examples of how truly difficult this whole step situation can be. I just want a nice, normal life, that's all I've ever wanted. I've never asked for (or expected) perfection - I know that realistically there's no such thing. I just sometimes wish I would've met my BF without the "extra baggage" that he brings that I've had to deal with and endure the past 6 years. If it were just he and I, that would've been great. When it's just us, we're like 2 peas in a pod...but when it comes to BM & BF and their TOTAL LACK OF PARENTING...I just get overwhelmed. I've disengaged now and for the time being it's great, but what happens when the skids are in their 20's and still expecting to live with us & support them - all because their parents didn't teach them how to be independent & self-sufficient?!? Then what?? Not my kids, not my problem.

Sorry that this was sooooo long and thank you to those who have read through this whole post!! I'd appreciate it if anyone out there, especially those of you who have been around here awhile & always offered support & advice (Katrinkie, DPW, stormabruin, StepAside, tryingtomake it, etc...) could help me out here.

I'm seriously thinking about leaving the man that I love...and I'm just really heartbroken over it. I just don't know where my "old self" is - SHE would've had the strength to take this on with a smile and barely break a sweat over it.