To tell or not to tell?
We will be attending a graduation party for my DH's niece next weekend. All of DH's family will be in attendance. DH's ex-W has been invited by SIL (an obvious set-up). DH has told SD21 that he doesn't understand why BM was invited and that BM should not be attending his family's events. We're still unsure as to whether or not she'll be there.
The problem with this 'shin-dig' is with SD21. As I posted previously, she wrote DH a horrendous letter about me, laying out all of her hatred and issues with me. I've pretty much come to terms with her feelings. I cannot change her way of thinking or MAKE her like me. There's really nothing more I can do. I've tried for years and nothing has worked. I'm resigned to the fact that she will never like me, and the best we can do is just coexist. I'm okay with that.
But now the party is a week away, and I have to be in attendance with SD for the entire evening. I know that I will feel uncomfortable being around her after having read her thoughts. I knew how she felt before, but without proof, it was just a gut feeling. Seeing the words on paper made it all too real. I don't understand why I should feel uncomfortable around her since it is her own hatred that has brought me to this place. She puts her negativity on paper, and I suffer for it. I don't think it's fair that she enjoy herself for the evening while I uncomfortably try to avoid her.
So this is what I was thinking: please give me your honest opinions about this.
I want DH to have a talk with SD and let her know that I found the letter. For one, I think that she should know that I'm aware of how she feels about me. Her lame attemps (as in the past) of being 'fake nice' are no longer necessary. She can skip the forced smile and phoney hug that she gives me in the presence of DH's family members. The last time I saw her at a party, it was so obviously fake and kind of embarassing actually. Two, this will put the 'shoe on the other foot'. I guess I just don't see why I should be uncomfortable in her presence and she should not. I would like to transfer the discomfort where it belongs. Three, it will give her the perfect opportunity to apologize for her behavior over the past several years. She's given me attitude since we first met, and she never let up on me or even gave me the slightest chance. I don't think the apology will ever come, but the opportunity will be there, and it will tell me whether or not she truly wants peace with me and DH or not.
Please understand, I'm not coming from a place of hate with this. I just truly believe that in telling her about my finding this letter, her actions will speak volumes and put some closure to this mess so we can all move along.
What do you think?
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I would tell her about the
I would tell her about the letter.
That's the direction I'm
That's the direction I'm leaning.
Thanks G!
I guess I could tell her
I guess I could tell her myself, but we don't talk. I haven't even seen her since September. I do have her e-mail address. I just thought that DH could tell her. For one, it wouldn't be on paper. I don't want to give her the opportunity to change my words, print, and show to DH's family. She likes to look like the victim. Second, being that she told this stuff to DH and not me (as she HATES me soooo much), it would be easier for him to relay the message. I don't think she would pick up my call (and I don't want her to get my new cell number either).
I'll see if DH wants to let her know. If not, I can do it myself. No biggie.
I'm in a different but
I'm in a different but similar situation. My cousin is very close to my sister-in-law. He recently told me that she thinks I'm an asshole and doesn't want me around my brother. It's not that she's afraid we'll do anything nutty, or go to a strip club, she just doesn't like me and doesn't want me influencing him. She's UBER-controlling and runs his life (I'm fine with that, he's a big boy and can make his own decisions and if he's happy I'm happy), but I am a little more of a team-concept guy and she doesn't want him picking up any of my "bad" habits.
I haven't told her I know about this. I'm not sure I'm going to...
In your situation you have the uncomfortable truth that if you tell her you have to admit that you violated somebody's privacy. If that letter was written to DH or by SD, and there was any sort of addressee on it, even if it was just paper and the letter said "to Dad" or "dear Dad" you read something you shouldn't have. Sorta like inadmissible evidence.
I don't think I'd say anything, but only because I wouldn't want to admit I read someone else's letter. I'd shit if someone read one addressed to me, or written by me to someone else, without my permission.
If there's a good excuse for it, like he showed you or will say he did, then confront her. Otherwise it was an invasion of their privacy and will only make things worse.
Yes, controlling. That's
Yes, controlling. That's what it's all about, isn't it?
However, not to dismiss your point, but I'm past the point of even giving a cr@p if she knows I invaded HER privacy. I'm pretty sure that DH will tell her that I found it in our filing cabinet. But as for her being upset that I read it, I'm not so concerned.
I don't think, given her
I don't think, given her attitude, that any good would come of you telling her (or DH). It would esssentially "put her on the spot", and I find that generally people don't respond well under that type of pressure.
However, I understand your need/want to make her know that you know about the letter. I've done the same thing in the past, it just never went well for me.
Thanks Sia! Knowing how she
Thanks Sia!
Knowing how she is though, I think she'll just be seriously embarassed about it. She'll most likely avoid me and never bring it up again. But I want her to know that I'm aware of how she has felt about me from day 1, that I can't change her and won't stoop to her level of bashing, and that she can continue her boycott of our home (I insist), and our family. I urge her to spend as much time with her father as she likes, but I have never tried to impede that and never will.
If I were you, I would have a
If I were you, I would have a talk with SD .. whether or not you tell dh of your intentions is up to you, but since it isnt his relationship with her i dont think you need his "go ahead", you know... i would just tell her that you found the letter, it makes you very sad that you guys havent been able to bond like you had wished in the beginning, but that reality is reality, that you love her/care about her (whatever is appropriate), that you are here for her if she needs you and then just leave it at that and try to enjoy yourself. make it your disengagement point. closure, you know.
"make it your disengagement
"make it your disengagement point. closure, you know."
That's absolutely my intent. I don't want to carry this around in my head any longer. I want to get it out and let it go. What happens from there is entirely up to SD. I won't push either way.
Thanks IWYW!
Thanks mugglemom. I agree
Thanks mugglemom.
I agree with your therapist. But on the other hand, she said these things about me, not DH. So I'm thinking of a combined version. I'm actually chatting with Dh thru text now. I'm thinking of writing her an email and cc'ing DH on it. I'll let her know that he's aware that I found and read the letter. With him included on the email, she will hopefully know it's a united front (not an attack). And by keeping him included on the e-mails, there will be no question of who said what or 'doctoring' of text.
I second that opinion. Having
I second that opinion. Having the offending person's bio relative handle the matter also send a firm message to the offender his/her behavior is unacceptable to the both of you.
YES. Best bet is for steperg
YES. Best bet is for steperg to NOT confront SD with a private letter between two other people. She needs to go to DH and tell him and then HE needs to go to SD and say "this isn't going to fly", whether he says he shared the letter or not. HE needs to stand up for her, for a variety of reasons (privacy issue, team concept, "don't bash my wife", etc.).
Good call...
Stepoff, I think your
Stepoff, I think your completely right for feeling the way you do. And maybe SD needs to be "put on the spot" I think you should try to talk to her.. Maybe saying you know about the letter, that your not "angry" but that your "hurt". And if there is a way for you and SD to finally clear the air, so be it... Who knows, maybe there is a reason SD is acting this way... Tell her you don't want to spend the next years avioding eachother.. If you have differences, so be it. She doesn't have to love you.. But she could be respectful towards you. Tell her you don't want that day to be uncomfortable for everyone.. I don't really know your SD lol, but I think if you were to tell her about the letter, perhaps she would be on the spot, but maybe she would open up, tell you why she feels that way... And on that, you could open up, and say your sorry she feels that way, but your both adults and you want to try to be friendly, for you both, and for your DH....
A friend is someone we can
A friend is someone we can count on for understanding, support, discretions, and if we're lucky, insight, wisdom, and well-timed foolishness.......... John R. O'Neil
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Are you sure you read the above quote? I think this poster has a legitimate concern of having to suck air with a person who obviously hates her but does not have the integrity to come up to her and reveal it in her face. I say let us all be a bit more supportive, after all this forum was created as a place were .......we can count on for understanding, support, discretions, and if we're lucky, insight, wisdom, and well-timed foolishness..........
I am not convinced your SD
I am not convinced your SD will feel any discomfort of being revealed. If she wanted to she could have approached you to discuss her feeligns, instead of doing it behind your back. I doubt a person like that would be embarassed of being found out.
I agree Vickmeister. DH
I agree Vickmeister.
DH should've dealt with it at the time he received the letter. Many of us here can relate to our DH's not supporting us or allowing their kids to disrespect us. When I finally had my fill of SD - I asked DH and SD to sit down and talk. I told SD to her face how I felt and what I expected in the future from her. It certainly wasn't a "love fest" but I clearly established that SD could not bring her drama into my home any longer and that I would not interact 1 on 1 with her in the future.
Stepoff, you have the opportunity to take the high road here. You do not have to take SD's disrespect or pretense. I would suggest that in family gatherings you remain couteous and civil. You don't have to give hugs just a simple hello.
I certainly can understand
I certainly can understand your need to make clear to SD that you know her feelings about you. But I think it would be wrong to try to address this at a family graduation party. It could have the unintented result of making everyone else at the party feel uncomfortable while having little or no impact on SD. Go to the party on the arm of your DH looking your hottest and happiest and don't let on that SD's letter had any affect on you. Then you and DH can decide together how/when/where to have that conversation with SD.
I myself let My dfh deal with
I myself let My dfh deal with issues that are between sd and me
I think it is best for your dh to talk to sd
maybe explain to her that although she is his child and he will always love and respect her she needs to return the respect and that you are his wife and that the letter was inappropriate for her to send to him to begin with. She is entitled to her feelings but he is married to you and making a life with you and she needs to show you respect and keep her opnions about you to herself.