Expectations from Steps when they are in your home

So this was our weekend without kids. We had a great weekend. We pick up my kids this morning and get laundry started. It seems last time (Wed night)his daughters were here, SD9 decides to leave her dirty clothes on the floor next to her bed. Yes, she has a hamper in her room. Yes, she is a slob. She was told before about leaving pants in the hamper when they are inside out with underwear still attached.

So I decide to tell Hubby - Look at what your SD9 daughter did. Next thing I know it's a HUGE fight. Hubby is saying "do you want me to punish her as soon as she gets back? I know you don't care but I miss them and don't want to punish them as soon as they get here " I tell him this behaviour is unacceptable in this house. I would punish my own kids if they did that. So he shows me how my son's drawer is messy. So I have BS clean his one drawer that is messy. Here we go again, I point out something that the princesses do, and he attacks my kids. WTF? I really think he believes his princesses to be perfect.

So the argument escalates into "you don't even talk to them, except to say hello and good-bye" WTF. I thought we were talking about picking up dirty clothes. And the fact is that I do not talk to them. And they don't talk to me. I have had to distance myself from them after several things happened. Especially their total and complete lack of empathy after my father died 2 years ago. We had SD11's bday party scheduled in advance which happened to be the day after my dad's funeral. No word of thanks from SD11, not one. God knows how hard it was for me to give her that party. And no, neither SD9 or SD11 showed up for the viewing or funeral. Hubby thinks they are too young to understand. I don't buy that. Even a two year old can have empathy. 3 moths later, SD9 and SD11's grandfather dies. SD11 shows up to the viewing in a party dress and all smiles. SD9 showed some sadness at the viewing. Neither came to the funeral because BM thought they were too young to see that. I am very sure that tune will change when someone in her family dies.

After the girls showed me what they were made of, I started distancing myself from them. Right now, I told him that I am so mad that I can't even talk to him right now. Don't know how to make this better since he refuses to see what hurt they have done.

Any ideas? Am I wrong with any of this?

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You're not wrong, but you are

You're not wrong, but you are coming at this from an emotional side of things.
I would suggest you both cool down and when you have gotten over the fight sit down and write out the family rules.
Make sure EVERY kid sees them and understands them. Sd9 is old enough that you should be able to just close her door and ignore it. Don't pick up her close or anything. If you do the laundry then just take what is in the hamper. Eventually she'll want the stuff on the floor cleaned, so she'll pick it up. My SD4 picks up her dirty clothes and helps to do the laundry so it is possible. But you have to make it fun and on the kid's terms or else you're just being "mean". You're smarter then a 9 year old so use your head and make it something she does because she wants to not because she has to.

And Dh will always think his kids are perfect... try explaining that a 4 year old should not just want to sit in her own feces and urine.... you'd think it would make sense, but its a fight! *shakes head* men suck lol

Thetis, The rule in our house

Thetis,

The rule in our house is that kids put dirty laundry in an hamper. I am not their maid

The SDs do not have that many clothes, so their laundry has to be done every week.

I will sit down with all the kids ( so he doesn't think I'm picking on his girls) and repeat that rule.

I"ll be honest, my last

I"ll be honest, my last grandparent passed away when I was 12, and I did not feel anywhere near the emotion my mom did. I wasn't happy about it, but I just was not close with them. My grandparents were good people whom I saw on the holidays-maybe your situation was different.

Stepkate, Thanks for your

Stepkate,

Thanks for your honesty. I do understand that steps would not be upset about my dad dying. But I did expect some measure of empathy towards me(as their step mom)when they were told. "I'm sorry to hear that" or something. I got "oh".

And regarding their grandfather, they visited him every other weekend, holidays and birthdays. They had a very good relationship with him. Maybe that's why I could not understand why SD11 had no sadness.

I know what you mean about

I know what you mean about the whole princess thing. And, yes, it's true... Daddy's think their little princesses can do no wrong. Sure, THEY get to get upset with them and yell at them, but GOD FORBID if YOU do! SD5 disrespects DH all the time and he might get somewhat upset with her, but if she disrespects me... nothing. I get the speech, "She's just a little girl."

But, yeah... you guys need to cool down. Then, if you can, try to have a calm adult conversation. I have found that you just have to be careful sometimes how you phrase things to DH. Be careful to not say "you" too much because he'll just get defensive again. Instead, say "we need to have a chat with kids about the rules again... blah, blah, blah" And don't say "your" kids... it's "the" kids. The less personal you make the conversation the better. Good luck!

I know what you mean about

DITTO!

SIMPLE!!! Next time they make

SIMPLE!!!

Next time they make any sort of mess, don't approach your husband to show them what they did, simply go TELL him to pick up after their mess.

Example: "Go throw SD's clothes in the hamper, I will be doing laundry soon"....

That way you are not talking "BAD" about his "princesses" but you are making it clear that you won't be the maid. If he wants to spoil them, GREAT! but he will have to be the one picking up after them. I would think that he would eventually get tired and start telling them to pick up their room before they leave the house.

I usually do that with SD6. I tell her to pick up her room before she is picked up by her mom, if she forgets, she will find her mess (dirty clothes on the floor, blanket off the bed, toys on the floor, etc...) the next time she comes here. Sometimes she even asks "was BS2 in my room? is soo messy..." and I tell her, nop, that was the mess just the way you left it when you went to your mother's.

If my son2 DOES make a mess in her room, I actually clean it up, because it wouldn't be fair. She is usually very good with that though, and she, might leave some clothe item on the floor or something, but nothing big and not often.

Make a list of house hold

Make a list of house hold expectations with specific consequences for breaking rules (and do this with your husband so you both agree and are on the same page). Write it all out (or type it) and post it in your house in a spot that all the kids can see and read. Have a family sit down when all the kids are there and tell them that they ALL have to follow the same rules and will ALL receive the exact same consequence. Then enforce it. Have your husband get on board and have both parents be equal enforcers so no one is the bad guy. That way if any of the kids, his princesses included, break a posted rule, there is a specific consequence and it makes it clearer that the parents aren't evil or unfair, but that the kids are responsible for getting themselves into trouble. They basically are giving themselves the consequences because they are breaking rules and are already aware of the pre-set consequences. Good luck!!

Shut the door. That is the

Shut the door. That is the one thing that has saved me. I don't go in their room and I no longer do their laundry. I separate out mine and my sons's. I dont think my DH even realizes it. He does the laundry every week.

Thanks for all the

Thanks for all the suggestions ! Glad to know I'm not crazy about this.

I sat down with Hubby (after we both cooled down) and alot of things got brought up and resolved.

From now on, only laundry IN their hamper will be done. HE will visit their room before they leave and make sure they clean up after themselves.

And I have made it a point to make sure EVERY time I say /do something for the princesses that he is aware. I couldn't think of all the things I do for them when he accused me of not speaking to them. Of course, later I thought of a million things.

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Expectations from Steps when they are in your home

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