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DH trying to disengage from SD14

mamacat_30's picture

Submitted by mamacat_30 on Fri, 06/11/2010 - 6:10pm

So the chances of SD14 coming for the weekend are slim, I'm sure SS11 and SD12 will come. Me and DH were talking about her today and he said that's it, he doesn't even want her to come anymore. I know that SD14 saying she doesn't want to come over anymore is killing him inside, and the best way he knows to deal with it is to disengage. It hurts me to see this happening. SD14 has been driving us nuts lately with the lies and failing grades and stealing, but we still want a relationship with her. DH is hurt right now, but doesn't know what to do. I am doing what I can to help him to keep an open mind, but he is already talking about moving her out of her room to turn it into a nursery for our future child! I tried to tell him that we can't just up and get rid of her bed, that we need to have a place for her if she decides to come, but he is insistent that she won't be coming over anymore.

I know that this is the exact opposite of many of the problems that are vented about on this blog, but do you guys think I should let DH let her go or try to talk him out of it. Truthfully, it will be hard for me to let her go after 9 years also. Or do you think this is something that will pass?

Comments

sickofher's picture

Submitted by sickofher on Sat, 06/12/2010 - 1:14am

guilt is a demon! But bless your damn heart for having control and insight to say... UM hey nope this is not the deal. You are right! 100%! You cant cancel the past for the future...
I have found on this site that there those of us that are empathetic to our steps and those of us that are resentful... your disposition is amazing!
I read where you explained how he felt about her acting out.. but how do you feel about it? I think I can sense that your heart is more concerned about your SD and how she is feeling about all of the new things that are coming her way. I cant express that you have won half the battle right there. We as steps feel the brunt of most issues, but when you take the time to think about them as well, and your heart and soul are in the right place that makes all aggravations worth the fight!
I commend you for WANTING HER!

Hopingforthebest's picture

Submitted by Hopingforthebest on Sat, 06/12/2010 - 8:42am

It sounds like you two must of been close at one point mamacat, will SD14 talk to you? How is your relationship with BM? Maybe you could talk to her. My SD14 also now refuses to come..I'm sure alot has to do with her age but her BM has been PASing for 4 years now so I saw it coming.
I now have the attitude of stepmomto2 and wish DH would say the same thing to SD because he continually calls and trys with her but she only calls him when she wants something. He feels the same way that when they look back they will remember that he always tried....yet I feel that he is modeling to her that she can treat people like shit lie about them etc etc but then be nice when she wants something and then get it..NOT how the real world works but my DH can't see it that way. I have actually said those same words to my DH about telling her that you love her and want a relationship with her but am tired of continually being treated badly...

Angel72's picture

Submitted by Angel72 on Sat, 06/12/2010 - 10:13am

I take it your skids come every other weekend or so?
Listen, my hubby is in the same exact position yours is right now. SHe's hit her teens, she wants her friends and bf. Its not that his daughter doesn't love him, its because she' s a teen and its all about her now. Yes, it does hurt them to their very core. My husband took it and still takes it very personal when she doesn't come over. It cannot be helped. Imagine your child saying, i rather see my friends than spend time with you. Its hurts, Its betrayal.
WE all have done this to our parents. We dont realize it until we get older.
Will it pass? Depends on his daughter.
My personal take on this, is let him do what he feels. Let her go...because if you force her to come she will only resent you guys even more. Trust me on this.
BUT, dont make any rash decisions on beds too soon. She will look at it as pushing her as well...
I did remove my sd bed out and took over the space. WHy?
1. She wasn't coming around for MONTHS...3 months at a time...if your sd missing a weekend...dont take her bed unless you need the space for your own child and you can bunk her up with her siblings.
2. My dh wouldn't go use the basement because he kept seeing an empty bed . A reminder of her not coming. A reminder of him wanting her and missing her. It was psychologically torturing him! Aside from the lies and fights he was having with her, i refused to see my husband get hurt like this....So i took apart her bed. For his sake. And the fact they she was barley coming now.
Now i can finally work on my basement, fix the ceiling, the wall and finally decorate. Instead of holding it off. I told my husband, SD doesn't decide what and how under this house hold. But he felt we were pushing her out. I told him, NO, she's not here to be pushed out. Your holding onto something , a notion that is not happening and i'm not gonig to put my life and family on hold until your daughter decides whatever.
So. My advice, let him deal with his daughter. Let him let her go...the bed, i would advise him to hold off just a bit. Should she miss 2-3 months, then take it apart and when she does come over do what i did, open a bed couch for her.
But continue to tell him to always tell her she's welcomed, that he loves her, encourage him to go out with her...maybe one on one...have time alone.
What will pass are teen years. She will grow up, she will have a better relationship with him when she is older. But he cannot shut her out like this. I know he's hurt. But what i've told my dh, is to never make a big decision on anything in life while being angry and hurt. He may regret it.
Give your sd space, dont take her bed away yet unless you really honestly need the space, ie your pregnant...and if you finally decide to take it apart, make sure you inform her. Dont ask,you tell her the circumstances and say she'll be bunking with her siblings....
Take it one day at a time, teen years are rough for any family, whether it be step or not.