First things first- what IS wrong with BM ? Mine is the same way.... big talker about how important school is but doesn't do a damn thing and YES - she takes them out of school ALL the time. DH had to threaten her about this to get her to at least TELL him when she was going to do it so we could try to help make up the work.

*sigh* My SS graduated dead last in his class. We are 50/50 but what can you do if every other week nothing is expected of you? We gave up on him. Sad but true. SD11 is truly interested in doing well. We have told her that her future years are all dependent on her grades. Car, spending money, college, etc... if she wants them all she has to do it bring home a good report card and she gets them. OTherwise - it will be like her brother, no car, no spending money, get a job, etc.... We also give her a cash bonus for no school days missed. This year it has already worked when her mom wanted to take her out of school to go on some "fabulous" weekend trip. It was not fabulous, SD didn't want to go and didn't want to miss school so she told her mom she just watned to stay with us for the weekend.

Whew- sorry for the rambling. In my experience, if the child is not interested you are only going to make yourself crazy trying to fix the situation. I am not at all ashamed of bribing the kids with cash. If that works against the evil forces of their mother then I will happily open up my wallet if they learn to be self sufficient and responsible!

i'm working to disengage from skids school stuff, too. i asked "just for giggles" skids last night if they got their report cards (i've been asking for a week and i always get some bs answer) and again i think the answer was next friday. ss mentioned he had "perfect" attendance and i said i bet sd13.5 doesn't have that and sd piped in that she missed 2 days b/c she was sick. OMG i wanted to say "you little fucking liar", b/c i remember being irked that she had missed almost 8 days in the first month for random "not sick" reasons.

i try and let it go. seriously their own mother doesn't give a shit ~ why should i?

DH acts like he does not even know that SS get actual grades. It is amazing to me how he used to be in BM's face about SS's bad grades and now that SS lives with us, DH ignores it to no end. Makes me sick that DH is that much of a wuss.

Anywho...SS has already failed one grade. I do not care about his grades one bit anymore. NMKNMP! I did however just go check online and he failed two classes the first six week and one class last 6 weeks. He also has about 8 dentintions and one conduct report. WOW.

And if I point it out to DH he will say..."really?" and then he will not think about it ever again. :sick:

Hi Mamacat.

I hear you and feel your frustration. Unfortunately I'm in the same boat, so I have no earth-shattering method of solving this for you. I chose to disengage about 1 year ago - and it's the hardest thing when it comes to skids' schoolwork, attendance & failing grades. Sigh...

This is the only difficult part of disengaging for me...I feel like I'm damned if I do (care) & damned if I don't (care). My options are:

Option 1 - I CARE (and don't disengage with skids education): I help with homework, help them study for tests, remind them about projects, make sure they eat & sleep right so they have good attendance, encourage them to get A's (even if it means offering a reward, a bribe, whatever it takes). I follow-up with them asking about grades, try to stay informed, try to get them to actually CARE about their education and their future.

Result: Since my BF has absolutely NO RULES and therefore NO CONSEQUENCES for their bad grades, lack of effort, etc..., then BF & I end up getting into arguments and my BF wants me to stay out of it, leave them alone, "he'll take care of it" (translation: do NOTHING about any of it). I get frustrated that he allows these skids to do whatever they want. Skids both fail classes, possibly won't graduate high school, can't get jobs, don't become independent and self-sufficient and eventually skids will stay here living with us FOREVER.

Option 2 - I DON'T CARE (disengage from skids education): I don't help with homework, don't even ask if they have any, don't follow-up on projects due, don't care if they miss school often, etc... I don't get involved, I stay out of it all.

Result: Same exact result as #1 above (skids failing grades, etc...), but there's less arguing with my BF & tension between us during the skids school years. I resent my BF when he allows skids to stay living with us because they can't support themselves and eventually, BF & I break up because I won't allow myself to live that way (with skids taking the express train to LOSERVILLE).

Skids are JUST.LIKE.THEIR.MOM. They are both learning to do everything she did in her life: take the easy way out in life, BM has no high school diploma, had to get her GED in her early 20's just to get a job, preggo out-of-wedlock at 17, mooches off of any guy she can for a place to live & to support her and her son, hardly ever works, marries someone for money, pops out 2 more kids for massive CS$ when she gets divorced and lives her life (now in her mid 40's) having NOT EARNED ANYTHING HERSELF, lives off CS$$, goes to vocational program for LPN (nurse) and works in a nursing home 3 days/week (if that) - no more than about 20-30 hrs./week.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. For now, I've been choosing Option 2 for the most part, although I admit I help tutor FSS13 (only when he asks for help, I don't offer or "nag" him to study).

Problem is, I have no idea what the future will bring with these soon-to-be-mooch skids (not meaning to sound mean, just stating facts), but what I DO know is that I will not be supporting these children (or helping my BF to do so) once they turn 18. Out the door they go, OUT!! Otherwise, I'm happy to get my own place and leave BF if he gives me no other option and allows these skids to use him for every penny he has (as the BM always did during their marriage and continues to do). I admit I am definitely afraid of what my future holds...and I feel like I'm "stuck" watching my life play out in a bad movie scene or something.

I am sorry you are all going through this, I know how horrible it is but it is nice to know that I am not alone. School is an issue we have struggled with from day 1. For BM it is a line of control, she has residential custody so she has the children during the school week. She knows how important education is to us so she uses their education to try to make us angry. I have determined that I will NOT give her what she wants. This has caused her to escalate and this year she pulled the children from public school to "home" school them online. The courts do not do squat! We have tried and it got very ugly. The judge that we are stuck with (small town, one judge) is the same judge that handled the divorce. He is long time friends with her parents, as I said legally we are screwed.

It is just a matter of playing the game by your own rules not hers. These are the rules I have begun using when it comes to my Schildren.

#1. Maintain a level of detachment. I love them but they are not MY children. I have four of my own to be concerned with.

#2. Absolutely NO conflict between DH and I concerning Schildren or BM (or any of my Xs, for that matter)

#3. Offer my thoughts and opinions only when asked. This is terribly difficult for me considering that I am very opinionated and often feel my way is the right way.

#4. Every chance I get, I agree with BM. Tell her she is right and she is doing the right thing… after all she loves her children and has their best interest at heart. It is amazing how quickly she changes her behavior when she realizes she is not getting to me. She will stress and strain to try and come up with something else that will get under my skin.

#5. I can’t change or control what happens in BM’s home but I can control and/or change what happens at mine. I have determined to make my home the best possible environment that I can. The rules that DH and I have set for my four children, along with the consequences and privileges, will apply to all the children when they are in our home. We have established consistency, structure, and stability for them.

#6. Never, under any circumstances, cuss or discuss the BM in front of or around any of the children. They all talk to each other!! We do everything in our power to foster a strong relationship and respect between them and their mother. This in turn builds their respect for us. In the end, that is what matters and will matter. When they are adults, they will see that growing up they had our love and support and that she tried at every turn to control and use them.

Unfortunately School seems to often be a tool for manipulating the blended family opposition for many people. In our case the SpermClan repeatedly would load our son (my SS-18) up with the message that "spending time with us is more important than school".

Our message to our son (My SS) has always been "School is your priority .... PERIOD!" We would even give up some of our holiday/summer time with the kid to facilitate school activities for the kid in order to give the SpermClan their preferred visitation time with the kid.

It was often so bad that when we would move and the Skid would change schools the SpermClan would rant that "the only reason you moved is because the schedule in the new district interferes with our visitation". Our response to this toothless moron SpermClan rant was always "your visitation interferes with school". The CO is clear. Visitation is tied to the school schedule, not the other way around.

The SpermClan's lack of value for education is not surprising. The SpermIdiot was truant for the equivalent of an entire year of school in his four years of HS. This is something that he is actually proud of and frequently tells our son (my SS) and the younger three also out-of-wedlock SpermSpawn. No one in the entire SpermClan has ever set foot in a college classroom for a class that was part of a degree plan. To them education appears to be something that must at best be tolerated and at worst is something they detest.

I would be surprised to hear of any CO that orders a kid to miss school to visit an NCP. If this stipulation was in the CO governing our son's (my SS) visitation with the SpermClan, I sure as hell would not allow or follow it regardless of whether a toothless dipshit bottom 10%er family law judge ordered it or not. However, my wife is the CP and we are the Custodial Family for our son (my SS). If the CP chooses to use this as a manipulation tool or tool for PAS the only recourse I can think of is to drag their asses to court each and every time they drag the kid out of class for stupid crap. If you live in a state where parents can go to jail for excessive truancy then use that and put BMs ass in jail every time the kid is absent.

Best regards,

Rags ~ out of curiosity, why do you need to put this: "our son (My SS)" in a single comment 5 times?

i can see why you would put in the first reference (for ST's who don't know your history), but why so many times over & over again in one post?

My ss has had .05 or .07 gpa for the past 3 years...he missed 33 days last year...DH got a lawyer and he goes to court for temporary custody for educational neglect on tuesday and although I am happy he might be able to be a dad for once I am freaking because I might be a full time Step Mom real soon....but I know school is important...that is what I keep telling myself....school is important