I told DH that SD17 is not welcome in my house
SD went to live with BM two years ago. Before that, she was with us about 70 percent of the time. Not long ago I went into her room and found my hairspray that I'd been looking for forever, expensive salon stuff. SD17 had taken it and been using it. It made me mad, so I started looking around and found other stuff of mine, including a Palm Pilot that had been given to me by my employer for work use. It had been on my desk and disappeared one day. I decided I must have just misplaced it, although that is not like me.
SD17 wanted to come down, and I said she couldn't come into my house until she admitted what she'd done wrong and apologized. So DH talked to her on the phone. Amazingly, SD17 denied everything and said she didn't even KNOW I had a Palm Pilot. All lies. I am disgusted.
I told DH that SD17 is not welcome in my home because I do not trust her. Previously she has gone through my closet and taken my clothes and also taken other things of mine (blow dryer). And I am missing an expensive pair of earrings DH bought me that I don't think will ever show up because when SD17 moved in with BM she took BAGS and BAGS of stuff from her room.
I know DH is not happy with me for issuing this ultimatum. Did I make the right decision? I don't want to be a hardnose, but stealing is just unacceptable in my opinion. I can't lock up my whole house while she is here, so I think SD17 just doesn't need to be here.
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don't say I blame you
don't say I blame you
You should lock ur room at
You should lock ur room at least n if u have an office somewhere in the house u should take whatever u dont want her to take in there and lock it up. that really sucks that u have to do that and that she denies all of it! she prob does have ur earrings. i used to have a cousin who would steal lk all the time what do u call those people klepto or clepto however u spell it. maybe shes sick! anyway i wouldnt want her stealing lying ass there either! excuse my french! keep us updated!!
Crayon, it's been a
Crayon, it's been a LOOOOOOOOOONG time coming, considering that DH and I started dating when SD was 5 and married when she was 8. I honestly thought that at SOME point DH would see the error of his ways. Maybe he does and he just won't admit it to me, I don't know. But I am COMPLETELY fed up. How DARE she steal from me and then deny it when I have irrefutable proof? I am done. I only anticipate the fights between DH and I to be more volatile as he pushes my boundaries and tries to get me to let SD17 come around again. Not going to happen, not in MY house.
You did the right thing
You did the right thing Elizabeth. I've been following your blogs for a long time and IMHO this is the last straw.
SS13 took something of mine recently, granted the item was in the living room when he took it, but it's still wrong. I left it in his room and when SS13 was with us the next time I showed DH and DH really tore into him. But I don't think that would work with your DH as he has guilty-daddy-syndrome.
~BettyRay
That's my problem BettyRay.
That's my problem BettyRay. Your DH did the right thing, but mine will not. I even told him, "If that was BD6 who did that, I would be all over her. She KNOWS it's not right to take other people's things, and she's 6." But with SD, who's 17, DH still wants to make excuses. It would literally take him seeing SD walking into her room carrying my PalmPilot for him to believe she took it. And even then she would make some excuse and he would be so desperate for her approval that he would believe it. The whole situation disgusts me. Kids are not perfect. Let's not pretend they are.
I don't think you're wrong in
I don't think you're wrong in banning her from the home. Stealing is unacceptable, especially at her age. However, if you ever do allow her a visit, I wouldn't let her roam the house alone. If she's in your sight, you can keep an eye on her. Once she's out of sight, she could go back to her sneaky stealing ways. Keep your eyes open. But don't feel bad about not allowing her in your home anymore. You have to protect yourself, too.
Oh I totally feel you.I wish
Oh I totally feel you.I wish I could get my stepdaughter out of the house and back to her dads.She is 4 1/2.She is a rude undiciplined little brat.Does things like anounce her intentions in the bathroom,interupt,leave her socks in the middle of the living room floor and a bunch of other stuff that offends or aggravates me.I dont want to get to into it cause it will just get my blood preasure up.Anyway her mom constantly defends her and gives me"If she was yours you wouldnt act this way!".Its more like if she was mine SHE wouldnt act this way.I would have taught her better.Her dad and mom were never on the same page when it came to teaching her but thats not my problem.Im the one stuck dealing with it.We have a son that is my child on the way and she still thinks the world revolves around her and fails to do most things that she can do for herself.Ofcourse her mom refuses to get rid of her and send her to her dads.Talking about how he is a drunk and a drug addict.That sucks but its gotten to the point around here that its not my problem and I shouldnt have to deal with it.I cant even stand looking at her or hearing her voice.I have trouble even going to the fridge due to the fact that her picture is on it.Some may call me cruel or a scumbag but I dont care..they dont have to walk in my boots
That poor little girl. Jesus
That poor little girl. Jesus christ she is only 4.
Wow, so your SD is 4 1/2 and
Wow, so your SD is 4 1/2 and rude, leaves her socks in the middle of the floor?! Her mom defends her because she doesn't want to send her to live with her alocholic drug-addicted father?!? What is this world coming to? How dare she?!! Geez, get a grip. I've heard it all now. Perhaps you shouldn't be living with a 4 year old if you find the little things that NORMAL 4 year olds do so frustrating.
IM not talking about sending
IM not talking about sending her to live with him specificaly.Im saying its not my problem he is a fkn waste and that should be the end of it.There are other relatives.At 4 a child should have some basis of maners and pick up after themselves without being told.Especially after she has been told many many times before.She just feels she is in control and we all have to do what she says at the drop of a hat.She feels she can do what she wants and doesnt listen when even her mother and grandmother tell her something.Trust me its beyond the norm of any 4 yo.Like I said.Walk in my boots before you judge
I am walking in your boots,
I am walking in your boots, in a way. I have an almost 3 year old. It's frustrating at times. The behavior you're explaining is normal. Now, if you were talking about an 8, 9, 10 year old, I could understand. The expectations of kids has to be age appropriate. She's not even in kindergarten yet.
All i can really say is I am
All i can really say is I am glad my mother never kicked me out of the house for stealing her stuff when I was a teenager.
We didn't kick her out of the
We didn't kick her out of the house. She went to live with BM two years ago and pretty much cleaned out her room. Took everything she wanted. She rarely comes back to visit, her choice. I just told DH that she's no longer welcome if she can't admit she's wrong and apologize. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Well Crayon, I am so glad
Well Crayon, I am so glad that you can make assumptions about me. I am a college graduated person not a felon thank you very much. My mother and father did a terrific job of raising me. No she was not in a crazy house. No I am not 33, I Just like the number. I have the up most respect for my parents and people and their things. You know nothing about me or my child hood. I simply said I am glad that my mother never kicked me out of the house for stealing her stuff. It's not like I stole her stuff and sold it for crack. Jesus christ. But I am a happy well adjusted adult who will not die alone old a bitter.
We wouldn't need to issue
We wouldn't need to issue ultimatums if SK's were held accountable.
Mermaid, I certainly was not a perfect child. But when I took things without asking or spoke disrespectfully - I was punished. If my SD ever apologized to me and acknowledged her past lies - I think that I could forgive her and maybe start a relationship with her. It would be hard for me - but it would be the right thing to do.
My home life was in turmoil during SD's childhood and adolescence. This was not her fault but the parents' fault - they had no follow through. Grades were not checked, house rules were not enforced, bad behavior went unchecked. SD at 27 YO still has not completed college and DH still continues to support her. It's just crazy what guilt parenting and PAS does to these kids.
But at some point, these SK's have to held accountable and if that is by banning them from the house, locking up our personal items and/or taking away priviledges then I'm for it. I no longer allow SD in my home without DH there. If neither DH or I are home - she is not to come in. I have no 1 on 1 time with here - I must have a 3rd party so that my words or actions are not "misunderstood". I'm not happy that I have to take these measures - but they were necessary for my happiness, security and sanity.
I dont think that 27 is
I dont think that 27 is really a kid anymore. LOL. I was talking about teenagers. Not grown ass adults. LOL
Elizabeth, you are NOT
Elizabeth, you are NOT WRONG!
You know, sweetie, that I have been following your situation for some time now in great anguish. And I think it's because our situations with our SDs are very similar.
And here is the main problem as I see it with both your SD as well as my SD (and we've touched on this before with regard to the taking of items in the home)...
It's not so much that SD took the things in your room. A lot of kids do that. And no, it is not a good thing. But what is most distressing is what happens AFTER they are confronted.
Your SD LIED when she was confronted about the Palm pilot. She didn't do it. She didn't even KNOW you had one! YEAH, SURE! And this is the most unsettling part about the whole situation and goes to the true CHARACTER of a person- when you are CAUGHT- own up to it. We all make mistakes. We are not perfect. But the true test of a person's "moral compass" is what happens when we are faced with owning up to our mistakes.
My own SD is like yours- She used to lie when confronted. She blamed others. She even played the "conspiracy theory" and said that someone PLANTED the items in her room to get her into trouble! In short, she would do anything she could BUT take responsibility for her own actions.
Unfortunately, as you know, SD chooses not to live with us any longer, so this is no longer an issue with us, but for you, I think you are doing the right thing in putting your foot down.
Besides, I thought she didn't want to live there anymore anyway? What has changed all of a sudden to make her want to come back? Did your DH promise to buy her something expensive??
Mermaid, My SD is 27 YO today
Mermaid,
My SD is 27 YO today but her bad behavior started young and remained unchecked. My point was that the behavior starts young and it is up to the parents to teach their kids acceptable behavior. And that many of us stepparents have to set boundaries and disengage because the birth parents don't parent wisely.
I know from Elizabeth's blogs that banning the SD at 17 YO was not an easy decision but more of a last resort.
Dishonest thieves should not
Dishonest thieves should not be allowed in anyone's home. IMHO.
If your DH has issue with it tell him not to let the door knob hit him in the ass on the way out. The kid is not young. At 17 if my Skid did this I would have the police toss his criminal ass in jail.
A 4yo on the other hand is a different story. Kids get lippy and leave stuff lying around. Fixing this behavior in a 4yo is called PARENTING!!!!!!
Again ..... IMHO.
Best regards.
Wholeheartedly agree!
Wholeheartedly agree!
Elizabeth., I remember when
Elizabeth., I remember when it was just shoes in the dining room with SD. In all the years we have been on here she is just amping up & your DH just kisses her butt & lets her walk all over you, your home & your BDs in those shoes. He is the problem & has always been the problem. I don't think it will ever change until he comes to the realization that she is a beast. I can't imagine how awful it would be as a parent to know that you have raised a rotten child ( hense the reason I make my almost 3 year old behave) but he needs to take responsibility for what he has created.
My hat is off to you for your patience with him, my husband has oh so many faults & is a PITA BUT he never favors skids over BS & my skids toe the line actually better than DH. ( my husband thinks I like the kids better than him...and many days I do )