Question related to my last blog...what does "SK is my top priority" mean to you? Please help
My kids are everything to me and are my top priority, but why does BF saying that SD is his "#1 priorty" make me ill? Feel second? I guess because I feel he has made decisions and sees world through the filter of how SD will be affected rather than considering all things.
I'd never let an unreasonable demand take priority over my relationship with BF. I feel I have ZERO problem saying no to my kids and am able to consider my children's wants and needs with my own wants and needs, and those of my BF's.
Why does the "SD is my #1 priority" statement make me feel ill? My kids are my top priority too, but why does it feel different when BF says it? Maybe it's because I am willing to make decisions and choices without thinking of my kids' reactions first, but rather as one component in decision making...maybe because he seems focused on SD in a way I am not with my kids. Maybe it is because the actions related to the "#1 priority" thing is lived/acted out differently between my BF and SD than with my kids and me?
Can anyone help me figure this out?
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Steperg, I haven't said that
Steperg, I haven't said that to him, and have made decisions and sacrifices which directly affected my children for US. I wouldn't and haven't sided with my kids on anything -- there's never been anything like that. I have only ever wanted to have a relationship with him where we're in charge and we make decisions together with our relationship being our first consideration.
I feel I've done that and feel he's been inflexible on his side. I guess maybe that is at the root of my feelings.
I'm a little concerned what you're saying...
No, thank God, I am not
No, thank God, I am not married to him and no longer want to marry him. I cannot be happy with things as they are. I need to know it is just the two of us as a team...a team of two, not a team of five -- me, BF, SD, BM, MIL...come on now. Shit.
I guess I have my answer.
You're right. Btw, I guess
You're right.
Btw, I guess what I should have said in my original post is that my kids are a top priority but BF's #1 priority is SD. I'm willing to make sacrifices for us, even if they affect my kids, otherwise I wouldn't have moved...but BF doesn't seem to want to make any changes, and quite honestly, I am not sure what changes he can make at this point. He has made it clear he wants to coparent with BM and is unwilling to make adjustments at this time...and I am not suggesting a change in custody, but more of a change in perspective on his part...meaning that WE'RE the partnering unit, not he and BM.
I asked him what sacrifices he's made for us...he couldn't answer.
IMO when you are married your
IMO when you are married your spouse is suppose to be your #1 not your children. When you make your child your so called #1 then you are giving them adult status and IMO thats were a lot of our "step parents" problems come into play. I think your DH should be your #1 and same goes for him. Again its just my thoughts on it.
LMR120, I guess I didn't
LMR120, I guess I didn't explain myself well...my kids are very important to me, but I'm not going to make a decision involving them that would be bad for my relationship with BF. I don't feel confident BF is able to do the same.
If there was some point of disagreement, BF and I would have to find a decision we could both live with. I firmly agree with you that if you let a child have power in your relationship it's like having a three-way relationship. That's how it feels to me, yes, yes, yes.
I feel like BF can be a partner if our decisions don't upset SD or negatively affect his coparenting situation with BM.
I get what you are saying. I
I get what you are saying. I was talking about your DH saying his daughter is #1 it shouldnt be that way. You should be #1. When they kids are grown and hopefully gone
all you will have is each other.
LMR120...heh, BF said SD is
LMR120...heh, BF said SD is the only one he can count on will be with him forever and that he can't count on me because I bailed on him. The thing is, kids move and have their own lives -- hopefully. Of course, reading on here, plenty of adult children never leave, so maybe she never will leave him...
I've said the same thing...that the spouse is the one who will always be with you...long after the kids have left...
Your BF said that the only
Your BF said that the only person he can count on is his SD :jawdrop: WOW. You know what I would do? When he's hungry have SD make him something, when he needs clothes washed have his SD do it. What does he mean you bailed on him?
He means I didn't struggle on
He means I didn't struggle on with all the SD and BM drama when we lived together -- i'd finally had enough and told him I wanted them to move out.
sounds like maybe your kids
sounds like maybe your kids are your top priorty and his are his only priority. I agree that your kids should top your priority list but not exclusively to the exclusion and alientation of all other relationships. that's not healthy.
Astepabove...yes, you've said
Astepabove...yes, you've said it correctly.
I agree too, I guess what I
I agree too, I guess what I mean is that I make decisions and have made decisions with our relationship first in my mind. I've put our relationship first and made personal sacrifices and made decisions that affected my kids (like moving so we could be together since he couldn't). I feel I have been willing to sacrifice certain things for us and yet he doesn't want to change anything on his side...
Steperg...EXACTLY. I've done
Steperg...EXACTLY. I've done that. I have put our relationship first and that is all I want and I 100% agree with you. I guess the problem is that we can't put ourselves first because SD ranks equal with our relationship in my BF's mind...and that's a threesome...and don't forget about BM...I just want a relationship with my man. I accept he's got a child and I've got kids and want to provide etc. but the relationship that needs to come first is the one between the two of us.
I've put our relationship first, but I am only one half...
Summerflowers...if the house
Summerflowers...if the house was on fire or we were on a sinking ship of course I'd want him to get SD first...I am a mom and I understand that love. The problem is in practical terms, day to day life, and letting concern for a child be the third vote in a relationship of two. In day to day life, our relationship should come first. Does that make sense?
Steperg, I have always done
Steperg, I have always done what I've asked of him.
The reality is I have a different situation than BF does. I have an exH who is not intrusive and does not interfere in my decision making related to the kids, and a relationship with him that does not require me to coparent. I am secure in the love of my children. I am not afraid of losing their affection if I don't spoil them and meet their every desire. I am lucky enough to have a situation with my ex that I don't have to worry about him getting pissed off, vindictive etc. I am not focused on my kids in the same way BF is on SD. Basically, I am available to my BF in a way he cannot be for me -- I am free of my exH and free to be a partner to him only. I can make decisions based on what is best for us but it's not so on his end. He has to "coparent" with BM.
I don't think you ever have
I don't think you ever have to choose and make one family member a bigger priority than another. I know that I am my husband's top priority and he would do anything for me, but his children are also his top priority. He has different roles with them than he does with me, obviously, but he loves us all the same and we are all at the top of his list. I don't love my skids the way I do my nephew, so i'll use him as an example. I adore my nephew as if he were my own son and he will always be the first little guy in my heart. He is a top priority and I will drop anything to help him or help my sister with him if they need me. I also love and adore my husband and he is my top priority too. If we were all on a life raft and one of us had to die so that the others would survive, I would sacrifice myself in a heartbeat for my nephew and husband.
Feelings towards spouses versus kids are kind of impossible to quantify and prioritize because they need such different things. Towards my nephew, I feel protective, loving and adoring and towards my husband I feel love, adoration, respect etc...Because my husband is an adult, he doesn't need my protection like my nephew does (even when he's grown up, my nephew will still need his auntie's love and protection) and I don't categorize who in my life is higher priority. It just feels wrong. I have maternal and caring instincts for my nephew and wifely instincts for my husband. Both are at the top of my priorities list, but I wouldn't and couldn't pick one over the other. Even when we adopt a baby later on, I will not make our baby a priority over my husband and other people I love or vice versa. There is more than enough love going around and you can have more than one top priority. Don't set limits on yourself and the world will be your oyster and you can love and cherish as many people as you want.
I guess the question is
I guess the question is this...are you willing to make a decision to please your child or an ex spouse knowing it will negatively affect your relationship and expect the new partner to take a hit "for the team"? I feel my BF's answer is yes, he would make a decision that he knew would be bad for us which makes me feel my relationship with him is not the primary relationship. I can't be with someone like that. I would not make a decision that would be harmful to our relationship to please my kids or keep the peace with my exH. I think the type of situation where this would come into play would be infrequent, but how can you marry someone when you FEEL if the choice is you or them it's going to be "them".
I feel like if you're unwilling to ultimately do what is best to keep your marriage together -- even if it pisses off exes or kids, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with making your child your top priority...it's just unrealistic to ask your partner to accept this type of dynamic. Wait until the kids are on their own and independent to have a relationship...
People think of "top
People think of "top priority" as if the ones that do not belong in this category are neglected. Kids' welfare SHOULD be priority because they are not self sufficient, especially young kids. Now, what we talk about here is not related to who should you feed, husband or child? I mean that is just silly. I will give some examples in which people may put "the child first" which will be labeled as CASE A or when people will put a spouse first Labeled CASE B. These "putting child first" are in regards to steptalk content.
1. CASE A:
Child lives with bio parent, then bio parent remarries with stepmom, kid wants to keep sleeping with the bio parent as before but now theres stepmom. Bioparent chooses to please the child by not upsetting him/her and letting her/him sleep with them, even though stepparent will be upset.
2. CASE B: Family wonders where to eat, child wants to go to Mcdonald's, spouse wants to go to Taco Bell. Spouse's opinion Is priority, they end up going to Taco Bell even though child is upset.
3. CASE A: Spouse is upset at kid bringing friends over everyday; bioparent chooses not to talk to kid because kid might get upset that he/she can't have friends over whenever possible.
4. CASE B: Spouse wants bioparent to discipline child for certain behavior, bioparent becomes a team with spouse and presents a united front for the kid. Parent might not agree with spouse but will not let the child so, and will talk to with spouse in private about any disagreement.
5. CASE B: While out, spouse will rather hold other spouse's hand and not skid unless necessary (crossing streets)
6. CASE B: Spouse will rather watch a movie and cuddle with other spouse than the kid.
7. CASE B: Spouse enjoys a family vacation, but if there was only one vacation possible, spouse will prefer to go to a romantic vacation with other spouse (no kid)
8. CASE B: Spouse has $10 bucks, Deciding on whether to buy the daughter a doll, or the wife a rose, spouse chooses to buy the rose.
Get the picture?
We as adults, have the responsibility to keep any child in our house: safe, fed, dressed and loved. Other than that, our spouse should come first. It is the way nature is supposed to work because our "kids", will eventually find their "true" love and have their own family. We need to make sure these kids grow up having a strong, united figure of a marriage, and knowning that kids do not form teams with parents, but rather, parents (step included) are ONE team dedicated to love each other and teach them the path to become successful adults.
That, is my definition of putting my spouse first.
The first case A mirrors the
The first case A mirrors the situation I'm going through with my BF. I don't think appeasing the child in this case keeps the child safe, fed, clothed, or any of the other necessities mentioned. I was raised by two biological parents who told me that I should be sleeping in my own bed...I think they were right in doing so.
...unles maybe we're talking about an extremely young child. Older children should be accompanied by their parent to their own room, where the parent can comfort the child enough for him/her to fall asleep.
If we are talking about a
If we are talking about a newborn, sure... a few months old? hmmm, not so much. I got married when my son was 7 months old. BEFORE getting married he would wake up every 3 or 4 hours and I would just (out of being lazy & Tired) stay with him on my bed til the morning. After I got married, he was put in a separate room and never ever did I sleep with him. If he is sick, I would check on him several times throughout the night, if he cried, I would check on him and put him back in his crib. He is now 2.5 years old and has never slept with us. He has had a big boy bed since 2 and has been really good about it. Same with SD, she has never slept with us, and never asked to.
Look, if there is a
Look, if there is a legitimate need for one of my children or SD of course I would want to meet it. But Gia, you nailed it in your post. It is in the day to day stuff you explained where some of us become second class.
skid being top priority to me
skid being top priority to me means time to leave the relationship
*like*
*like*
That comment should make you
That comment should make you feel ill. Kids nor Skids should ever be the priority in a marriage. The adult relationship is the priority in the marriage.
Kids beneficiaries of that relationship but are not a party to it or the priority of the relationship.
A relationship based on anything else is destined to fail IMHO.
A Sparent has to be an equity parent in their home/family. The only way for that to happen is for the marriage to be the priority.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards.
No one should be top priority
No one should be top priority kid or adult. Everyone is important and I believe everyone has their own place in the family dynamic. Kids should not be given adult status. I think thats where most of this childish "you love him/her more than me stems from"
edit: wanted to add. Kids grow up and move on. Neglecting your spouse is a reciepe to be alone in old age. Its not healthy for a child to have a spousal type relationship with a parent skids or bios. Keeping things in perspective and keeping relationships appropriate for kids is important.
I'm glad that you have had a
I'm glad that you have had a successful marriage of 30 years!!! congrats on that. And I'm also glad that putting the kids first worked for you. The thing is that I see it the opposite, in an intact family, since both parents love the child equally, no jealousy involved, kids come first. In a stepfamily it gets tricky because a stepparent is unlikely to just accept this from the bottom of their heart.
I do not know how I can stay with someone for 30+ years and being a second in their life. I'd rather be single.
Birth.
Birth.
I tend to agree with you SBS.
I tend to agree with you SBS. DH and I signed on a decade ago with the his kids/my kid thing. Mine will always be first to me and his will be first to him and we have no "ours" kid to worry with. To me, that doesn't give them adult spousal status, that just gives them top priority and to me, there is a difference.
There was sarcasm in that lol
There was sarcasm in that lol
Steperg. I was being a
Steperg.
I was being a sarcastic smart ass. In reality I believe that choosing to become a parent is the only permanent decision we can make in modern society. Unfortately marriage is no longer a permanent decision for most. However, once a parent always a parent, for eternity.
My youngest brother died when I was 8yo. He was 1yo. My parents are his forever and he is their child though he has been gone for nearly 40 years.
A child reaches adulthood when they are viable and can support themselves, make their own viable decisions and make their way in the world. Some children, regarless of their age, never attain viable adulthood. Others get there long before then are 18 or 21. My wife is in the later category. When she became pregnant at 16 she went from child to adult over night. SpermDad on the other hand never made it to adulthood. He is 40, has 4 out-of-wedlock spawn by three different mothers, lives in a house provided by his parents and pays no rent, drives hand-me-down vehicles from his parents, his parents pay his CS obligation for our son (my SS) and his youngest three spawn live with are supported by and raised by his parents.
My simple answer is 18 unless they have earned continued parental support.
Best regards.
I would have to agree with
I would have to agree with SBS also. I married my DH 9 years ago the 25th of this month and we have been together a total of 11 years this November. DH & I also agreed from the start that his 2 daughters & my son were #1. Now that doesn't mean they got adult spousal status, it just ment that when DH & I make decisions we consider how it will affect our kids. DH & I don't discuss everything with our kids and give them a say in the decision. We just consider how our decisions will affect them, making them #1. Now that also doesn't mean that DH or I love the kids more than we love each other. Nor does it mean that DH & I never do anything as a couple. I feel that in a blended family you have to make the kids #1 and consider how your decisions as the adult/parent will affect them. And also in making them #1, it shows them a sense of security that they will be taken care of no matter what. DH & I have never in the 11 years that we have been together made a decision without thinking about how it will affect our kids. And until our kids are grown and out on there own, they will remain #1. And even after that, they will still be our #1...we just won't have to consider how our decisions will affect them then.
Don't you think 99.9% of the
Don't you think 99.9% of the parents consider how a decision will affect their children, whether SKs or bios?
I wasn't suggesting that the kids shouldn't be a factor in the decision making process...I feel they should but there's going to be resentment when a child becomes THE first factor and that decisions will be made based on how it affects that child. I feel the kids should be a consideration but not THE deciding factor.
Also, I think it is poor parenting to make decisions based on what will or won't upset a child. You may be able to produce an insulated little world for your beloved, but at what cost? Your marriage? If it is that important for you to put the desires of your child above all else, then you shouldn't get married.
Making decisions to insulate your child from disappointment is not being a good parent...you're job as a parent is to love them and prepare them for the real world, which will NOT revolve around them, and is filled with disappointment.
It's not a coincidence that many of the children who were "insulated" and "protected" vis a vis guilt parenting are the same children on here who fail to launch. These parents set the expectation long ago...it's the PARENTS job to protect them from the disappointments and hardships of the REAL WORLD whether their 5 or 35.
I love my kids, but I want them to grow up as independent adults who can manage their own lives. If means they'll have to get disappointed along the way, so be it.
Who is going to have
Who is going to have resentment when we make our decisions based on how it will affect our children? DH & I agreed a long time ago that any decision we make, we make sure to look at how it will affect our children. I'm not saying that all of the decisions that DH & I make, make our children happy or please them as you would say. I also didn't say that all of our decisions have insulated our children from disappointment. There have been many times that our children have experienced disappointment because of decisions that we have made. For example....2 years ago DH & I made a very hard decision to move 1100 miles from everything and everyone we knew because he had a better job offer. This decision meant that we would also be leaving SD15 & SD13 behind. We weighed the pros & cons and decided that even thou it may make SDs upset with us, we had to do what was best for our family as a whole. DH & I also do not make our children feel like the world revolves around them. They know it doesn't and they know that there are going to be things through out their entire lives that will cause disappointment. And for you to say that I or anyone else who puts their children at #1 shouldn't get married....that is just wrong. DH & I have a wonderful & strong marriage even tho our children are #1, because DH & I have the same values, morals, & goals in life.
Thanks Steperg. Part of it is
Thanks Steperg. Part of it is that I moved to a new area where I have no support system yet, but I am working on that and have met a couple of women in my new town. I guess I've just given up so much I really haven't wanted it to be for naught, but maybe it is time to let go. I feel like the little boy who cried wolf...I've been agonizing over this for a year now...I want to have some peace and resolve this and not be stuck.
i would love to read more
i would love to read more from you on this
You're comfortable with
You're comfortable with calling your own kids your top priority because you know what it means and your comfortable with the definition. You think your boyfriend has a different definition and it scares you--you would probably be fine with him saying it if you thought it meant the same thing you do.
The thing is, it's an entirely personal decision and definition. And probably no 2 people in US have exactly the same one. I think you might be focusing too much on the phrase and not enough on the meaning.
Does he do things that make you wonder how it would translate to you at some point if it ever happened? This is basically negative predicting--not so hot for peace of mind.
Or does he actively ignore how you feel in favor of his daughter? Occasionally, sometimes, all the time? That's what you need to think about, and talk if there's a problem. And that has nothing to do with "she's number 1" and everything to do with the 2 of you.