Thank you for your advice
I ended things with my BF. After much soul searching it became clear this this is the right thing for me to do...and also the right thing for him. He has a lot of stuff to deal with in his own life and maybe he'll be better able to deal with things without the pressure of our relationship weighing on him. He's admitted that he cannot give me what I want right now so I should listen to him. I've been trying very hard to be happy with what he can give me but I am not happy and have been unhappy for a long time. Right or wrong, I just didn't want to fight anymore with him and I'm exhausted.
I told him I love him, I still want things to work out, still would like to get married someday but that it just can't happen now with the way things are. He understood. We basically left the door open but I am looking at this as a final ending for me. It feels different than the other breaks in the past. I don't think he's coming back.
He cried and told me he loved me. It is very sad. I still love him and always will. He's a wonderful man who has been better to me than any other man. My kids adore him and would love me to marry him. All that being said, I just cannot deal with what I perceive to be as a sort of obsessive relationship with his daughter. Obsessive is slightly too strong of a word, but I don't know how else to explain it. Overly intimate? He says I am wrong to feel that way, that my perception is not the case, but it is how I feel and I can't change how I feel...I've been trying to for a LONG time, going to a therapist, going to couple's counseling. I think it is possible we both just see the situation differently and can both be right. Idk.
In my posts about "top priority" I figured it out...as a parent I completely understand having your child as a priority, but that maybe how it needs to be is that your partner and relationship is at least ranked equally as a priority as your parenting. It seems to me BF sees and lives his life through the filter of how it will affect SD rather than taking that in as one factor in a decision making. For instance, he told me way back when when things were "good" and we were talking about maybe someday having a child that he didn't think we should do it "because it wouldn't be a good thing for SD." This is the type of stuff I am talking about. My God. Look, I don't live this way for my kids so I sure can't live life like this for someone else's kid.
Maybe I am all wrong. I do feel very sad and lost. But right or wrong, I've made a decision and I have no regrets over making one. Maybe someday we can be together, but probably not...definitely not if nothing changes in his life or in my mind and heart.
At any rate, I am hoping to channel the energy I've wasted trying to make things work into making my life work. I pretty much am starting at ground zero, so there's nowhere but up for me to go.
Thank you for being patient with me that past year and especially the past six months.
Alex
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Comments
I don't think I'd call the
I don't think I'd call the time you spent on this relationship wasted. It sounds like you figured a lot of things out that could be useful in future relationships.
very well said !
very well said !
I'm sure your decision was
I'm sure your decision was hard but it sounds like it really is best for you, at least for you now. Your thought process sounds spot on and very reasonable. You've given more than enough chances to allow him to compromise and make a relationship work that both of you can live with.
I hope that he either comes around or you find someone who appreciates what you have to offer. I'm sorry it worked out this way for you and for your children.
Hugs to you !
Your BF sounds exactly like
Your BF sounds exactly like the type of person who is not emotionally available to date anyone. Hopefully he realize this before he gets another woman involved with him. If he wants to devote his life to putting his child before any and everything, that's perfectly okay. However, that doesn't mean he has enough of himself left over for a relationship. It was selfish of him to think he could have it all. A woman is not an object you insert in your life to fit in around your child. Devoting your life to you child is wonderful, admirable even. But its selfish to expect someone else to fall on the bottom of your list of priorities while you do it. Telling you that you couldn't have a child with him because his daughter wouldn't like it is not something he should expect you to be understanding about. Even though it hurts, you have done what was best for all parties.
Thank you AstepAbove, Chai,
Thank you AstepAbove, Chai, and Mommylove...as bad as it hurts, I feel at peace with my decision...at least right now. Maybe it is partly my fault, but I've tried and I can't get past it. I just need to not second guess myself, and so far, so good.
Sounds like you are thinking
Sounds like you are thinking pretty clearly to me. Many hopes for the best in the future!
I agree Stepkate. It's just
I agree Stepkate. It's just very sad, as I really love him. Hard to reconcile loving someone so much yet being unable to be with them.
Thanks Steperg...
Sorry to hear this Alexandra.
Sorry to hear this Alexandra. But like you said, there's nowhere to go but up. I wish you the best and hope you find someone truly worthy of you.
I do love him but that's not
I do love him but that's not enough.
I am looking forward.
Stay strong. I am going
Stay strong. I am going through the same thing.
I am sorry for your broken
I am sorry for your broken heart but happy for your new revelation of self. I think that this post is not only eloquent but honest and raw and I wish only the best for you. Having been in the situation where it feels as if sides have to be chosen, I know the feelings of woe. I am glad that we talked things out and I was able to explain to him that yes children should come first, however when the children are adults and the step is doing nothing more than trying to be a positive role model and makes no malicious attempts of harm towards the child, then the child trying to force the choosing is doing so out of manipulation and not because of fear. In my case step daughter lost her battle. In your situation however you are dealing with a much smaller child, and if you dont have a support system you are fighting a loosing battle. God Bless and the best of luck on your new journey in life! May you find happiness around every turn.
-hugs- to you, lady. It's
-hugs- to you, lady. It's definitely hard, but it is good to see someone who can look at the bigger picture and know when something isn't going to work in a way that makes you and him happy.
You'll get through this a stronger person and it definitely isn't a waste of time. Every relationship teaches something; take those lessons with you and best of luck in the future.