Wow, that's a dangerous road she's headed down and your BF has done nothing about it? Scary. Sit him down and have him watch "16 and Pregnant" on MTV one day, because it sounds like that is where your SD is headed.

Have you tried to sit with BF and come up with some house rules for the skids? Or come up with your own list of rules, and tell him exactly WHY you think each rule should be in place.

Other than that, I think disengaging is the only other option. I know it's hard, but if he wants to raise her this way, then HE will have to deal with the consequences of her actions, not you. So when there's trouble in the future, you give him the old "I told you so" routine. His kids, his problem.

I don't really have any advice but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I have SS12 and SS14 that really do whatever they want. My DH threatens to take their phones or their IPODS away but never does. He does make them wash off their dishes once in awhile or bring their dirty clothes down. He doesn't do this because he wants too - he does it because he knows I get annoyed with them. I would say it has gotten a little bit better. But still when they go to their moms, I'm in their rooms making their beds, grabbing the dirty towels, picking up garbage and whatever else. The kids nowadays are SPOILED. They think all they have to do is watch TV, text their friends, play their video games. Maybe you guys could make a list of your expectations and then share it with the girls??? It sounds like they need to take some responsibility.

I could have written this blog almost word for word. Needless to say, I know exactly what you are feeling and going through. I have disengaged from SD16 to the extent to keep my sanity but honestly there seems to be daily issues that effect my house that I tend to find myself getting angry still,, such as,,,,this past saturday SD16 is getting ready to walk out the door and DH ask her "where are you doing",, she replies "Im going to a graduation party",,, DH "who's,, oh okay bye". Where is the respect in that??!! She lays in her smelly room all day now that school is out,, sleeps all day up all night,,,Thinks the kitchen is like a 24 hour open invite,, finally last night I told her after she woke me up at midnight making her third sandwich for the night, she is not to be in the kitchen past ten. She smarted off that she would "Try to keep that in mind next time". Try hell, you better remember it is what I was thinking.

My SD16 lives with us full time. I also have a BD16 and BD13. So when they see SD16's rules differ then theirs such as chores, curfrews, resepct of asking do things, cleaning up after self, helping mow the yard, it causes lots of conflicts and honestly Im to the point where I have had enough. My BD16 has a job, active and doing things all day, SD16 has not even attempted to get out of her room and look for a job because she is lazy and daddy dearest keeps passing her spending and gas money.

I wish you luck and am here if you need me. I have seen that alot of the issues at hand are the faults of the DH's and the guilt parenting. I dont see things in my home changing because I dont see my DH wanting to do what is right because it would inflict some pain on his daughter (can't have that).

Milomom,

I've read some of your posts in the last months and really appreciated things you've had to say. I'm pretty new to the whole steplife thing, coming up on my 2nd year of living with my fiance and his 8yo daughter. But goodness, I don't like your DH's response to your concerns. Sounds like the issue you have is really with him, not the skids who, like kids, will do whatever they are allowed.

There are no consequences in our house. I guess BF/DH views that enforcing rules and consequences equals lack of love towards his offspsings. What he accomplished was a 22 yo, who lives with us because he gets kicked out by every roommate, who is on academic probation and does not have employable skills he even got fired from an internship job.

Tell your DH that the chidlren may not be yours, however the house they live in is, you contribute funds that goes towards feeding and taking care of them so you have the right to say what goes.

I could have written your post a few years back. Actually, I could write that post right now, BUT my DH’s parenting does not bother me anymore. Not my kid and not problem!!

Girl, you need to step back. You need to talk to your DH and tell him you are dis engaging because it drives you crazy to see the path that your SD is going and his lack of parenting. The only thing that you will do is make sure that the “house” rules are followed. She WILL have chores like everyone else, period, she will clean up after herself and she will respect your time to sleep. And if she will not listen/respect you, and your DH, will not make her…then you have way more issues with him that his kid.

Oh and one of the MAJOR rules in our house is NO food in the bedrooms. NONE!

Now comes the hard part…you really need to stop caring about this girls…schooling, hygiene, manners, or where she is at and what she is doing. She is not your child to get all twisted up about. It is SOOOO freaking freeing to stop arguing about the kid with your DH. Why fight? It is his kid, let him handle it.

Do you work? DO you all combine income? I ask this due to him wanting to buy her a car.

my DH does the same with his 19 yr old BD - he allowed her to drive 5 hrs ALONE to visit her BF at school for the weekend and then she wrecked half way home by reaching for her cell phone. he allows her to drink at home but this same child, who he insists is an "adult" needs his help (she's pre-med, by the way), needs his help to write a cover letter. she is the neediest 19 yr old 'adult' I've ever known. I'm sure it may be the same in your situation, but I know my DH does this to overcompensate for the guilt (in leaving his cheating, lying DW).

I want to let you know that you are not alone! I have a sd that is 12 and she does NOTHING! I think we have a lot in commom. I have got a lot of help on here or advise. It is great to know that there are others out there in my situation.

By the way, I dont have any bilogical kids either so I get the line all the time...How do you know?...you dont have any kids! That really pees me off quickly! haha

Milomom--your new approach seems like it is working very well. Congrats. Every parent knows that the one thing people hate is being told they're a bad parent. Telling someone what a lousy job they're doing while--even silently--pointing out what fabulous kids you have (and by implication, what a wonderful parent you are) is not usually a selling point. Even less so when they are paying for the roof over your head.

Issues of "respect" are cultural. Many people don't think there's anything disrespectful about a kid telling them they're going to a party rather than asking permission. Other things like the importance / lack of importance of a messy bedroom are also pretty individual.

And your new approach gets around all that. It isn't you / your kids/ your methods are better. It's how do you make the whole thing better for everyone. Again, congrats,