Would Anyone Else Be POed?
So one of my SD's is attending a week long camp in another state this summer. My DH & I were talking about possibly driving her down & staying for a little vacation while she is at camp. Not much to do in this area but I did find some interesting & fun things to keep us busy. The last time we talked about it was about 2 weeks ago. We were trying to decide if we really wanted to spend the money to stay down there, as it is not really a place we would pick for a vacation. Well today DH tells me that my other SD's summer camp (about 2hrs away) starts the day after the other SD's ends so it would be better to fly down & back. Then he proceeds to tell me that BM wants to fly w/ him to take SD there. Oh yea, then he adds I'm welcome to come along... WTF???!!!
I asked what happened to us staying down there & DH said he thought it would be a waste of money. BTW... the only vacation we are taking this year includes all 5 kids, so I had thought it might be nice to spend a few days alone, also since we would drive the airfare $ could be spent on the hotel. I guess it was just not important to him. He spoke to BM & made plans w/o even consulting me. This is not the first time this has happened & he knew how I felt before, but now he can't figure out why I don't want to even be in the same room with him.
There are 2 issues here... 1) He made the plans with BM without even asking me & 2) He thinks it's fine that he & BM fly together (along w/ a 2hr drive to & from the camp) without me. Yes, he did say I could go if I want but that would be a waste of money... & I DO NOT want to spend ALL DAY traveling w/ that Fat Furry Biotch!
Also, at first mention of this camp DH was going to drive down & back w/ SD's friend's father. BM had no desire to go then. That fell threw so we started to talk about driving & spending the week down there. Now all of a sudden BM wants to go for the drop- off & there is an issue w/ getting SD back before other SD's camp (which I still don't know why).
So would any of you have a problem w/ this situation?
I think my head may explode soon! :jawdrop:
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Uhhh...when hell freezes
Uhhh...when hell freezes over! There is a big problem here. It's one thing to be civilized for the sake of the kids, another to act like you are still married. If my DH ever dared, his s>%{ would be outside the house when he came back and locks changed...sigh...
ditto!
ditto!
GreenEyedSM, are you effing
GreenEyedSM, are you effing kidding me??? That is insane!!
You two are married, right? Was he married & divorced from BM or do they just have kids together (never married)? How long have they been divorced? Not that that matters - either way, I must be missing something, because otherwise your DH has completely fallen off his rocker!!!
In what world is it even remotely NORMAL for ANY HUSBAND to fly ANYWHERE with his ex (absent some type of catastrophic emergency involving the health or well being of the children)?!? And WITHOUT YOU??
If my BF made plans like these with his exW, he would be my exBF. Especially without even consulting you about it?? I don't get it.
Is your DH one of those husbands I read about on here that are technically, legally divorced, but still "carry on" with their ex wives with doing things with/for them (i.e. going to her house to make repairs, going to lunch consistently, etc...) as if they're still married? Sounds like your DH needs to SERIOUSLY CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD and start acting in an acceptable manner regarding her being his EX-WIFE (or ex-girlfriend or whatever).
I must be missing some important info. here - have they always done things together "in the name of the kids" while you've been married to him? This is just so plain dysfunctional to me that I'm not comprehending at all.
Maybe I need to go back and read some of your previous posts - sorry GreenEyed. Let me know....it's very difficult for me to give you helpful, objective advice when this seems so clearly abnormal.
Yep, we are married...
Yep, we are married... unfortunately. They were married for 8yrs, divorced 5yrs ago. We got married last year.
Nope, you are not missing anything... this is as crazy as it sounds. They have always done things together "for the kids"... & whenever I say anything about it I get that same reason... for the kids. It has never been as bad as it has become this last few months. Next thing I'm waiting for is an overnight trip. DH never says no... oh, except for the time she invited herself out to see his parents w/ him & the SD's when she found out I could not go. If you read some of my past blogs you will see some of the shit I have been dealing with. I don't get it either. I have a perfectly amicable relationship w/ my EXH & our children are fine. We do not do these things & I know no one else who does. DH on the other hand prides himself on this "unique" relationship he has w/ BM. Yes, his words "unique". Well I believe the reason no one else I know has this "unique" relationship w/ their EXW is because their partner would not deal with it, as my stupid ass has for this long.
This is the end of the rope... I'm letting go. I have no strength left to keep hanging on & play tug-o-war. I'm done.
I figure I should be able to get an annulment considering he is still obviously married to BM.... HA! Doubt that will fly in court so here goes divorce #2!
Greeneyed, I'll go back &
Greeneyed, I'll go back & read some of your past blogs. Maybe I should've done that FIRST before I started "spewing venom" - I don't ever like to be a person that says something that would result in someone ending their relationship. I'm sorry if I did that to you.
Also, I need to ask you a question and I hope that you will answer it honestly (even if just to yourself - you don't owe me or anyone else explanations). Do you think your DH somehow still "carries a torch" for his exW? Any chance that he wants to be back with her?
I only ask this because of your last response. I agree with you that it is possible to still have an "amicable" relationship with an ex (as you do with yours) for the sake of the kids and have normal, customary dealings with them, but still move on with your life & your future. I also agree with you that his "unique" relationship with his ex is not one that I have ever seen or experienced myself or with anyone that I know, either. However, I strongly believe that when someone is ready to MOVE FORWARD from a past relationship, they do so with their ACTIONS, along with their words. I can only speak from my experience when I tell you that my BF would NEVER want to do things together with his exW - and I am so glad, because he does things SEPARATE and apart from her because HE CHOOSES to do so, not because I (as his partner) wouldn't deal with it or allow it. Am I making sense here at all?
My BF is not perfect - and I still get annoyed that there are still some smaller "boundary issues" with his exW that she tries to cross the line once in awhile and he doesn't "enforce" the boundaries sometimes (again, these are smaller ones, not large ones). He's still the nice guy and once in a blue moon, his exW tries to take advantage of his generosity.
But with that said, the issues you are blogging about - JOINT birthday parties after 5 years of being divorced, agreeing to FLY somewhere with his exW (and then having the nerve to tell you "you're invited, too"), etc. - OH BOY, these don't seem to be "normal" on my radar screen. I'm seeing some "red flags" for you - and I'm not a jealous person or anything. I just don't think it's normal or appropriate for your DH to even CONSIDER doing some of these things with his exW, nevermind actually SCHEDULING FLYING WITH HER without even consulting you about it first?!? That's a tough pill to swallow and I can't make sense of it at all. She's his EX-WIFE, for God's sake, and YOU ARE HIS CURRENT WIFE!! The "for the kids" excuse can only be taken so far...
I hope you know that I'm posting this not to judge you or your relationship, or to tell you to pack and "RUN FOR THE HILLS", I'm just trying to give you my objective opinion about this to HELP you. I'm nervous that somehow your DH may be pulling something behind your back, or, I just don't know what he's doing. I'm not saying any of this to point and be like "HE'S CHEATING! DUMP HIM! HE'S A LIAR! RUN!".
So let me go back to your old posts & see what else I can read that will help me to help you. I must say that at this point, I agree with you and your feelings & frustrations are completely valid. It's late here in NY now, so I'll try to write back to you again on this over the weekend. You can PM me with any other info. you'd like & I'll do the best I can to help you & to stay objective.
Good night!!
Wow! I think I would hit the
Wow! I think I would hit the roof! Any Husband with any sense at all would know not to do something like that. I think I would have to sit him down and explain my side of the situation in small, simple terms. If he didn't see the disrespect and hurt he caused I would have to suggest a third party...a neutral friend or church or anyone who could help. It has done wonders for my marriage. Sometimes we nees that third party to hold up a mirror.
I would be a little upset
I would be a little upset that he made plans without consulting you first. You should have been consulted and giving a change to speak on the subject before he made plans with BM (which still can be changed BTW, it's not like no one has ever changed their mind before).
But does it really matter if they do sit together on the plane or drive in the same car??? My DH and SDs BM would rather shoot themselves then do this, but does it really matter?? I guess I don't think that is a big deal. But it depends on your situation, I guess.
But like some of the other ladies said, it is a wk! BM can take SD herself, big deal.
Sounds to me that while he
Sounds to me that while he gives his EX-WIFE all the consideration and goes and makes all these plans with her...
he considers you, his CURRENT WIFE, to be an AFTERTHOUGHT.
I don't think I'd stand for a situation like that.
Oh man!! Now I see why you
Oh man!! Now I see why you said to read this!!
God, what is wrong with men sometimes?? When would any of that really be OK??!! I just don't get it!
Well, the funny thing about my situation is this "camp" she wants to send their kid 2 literally is 2 seconds away from her house (which is like 15 mins from us). The "camp" is more of a "I can't be bothered watching my kid all day when school is over since I don't have a job and my social life comes first and foremost". So she doesn't want her day tied up with her son, so throw him in day camp. He already doesn't like being with her, nothing like making their relationship better by spending zero time with him!!
Good grief!! And I love your line "you can come if you want" OMG, that would've pissed me off!!
Good Luck to you!!! (hahaha.......to both of us!!)