(((HUGS))) Redheaded

Has he given you specifics on what he feels he's not getting from you? Just the way it's phrased sounds so awful to me, he's not given you anything you could change because you're supposed to magically know already!

Tough question for you - if you didn't have kids with him, would you stay?

Oh, and completely OT - whereabouts in England did you come? I'm glad you managed to get in & out OK with all the volcanic activity!

"God never gives us more than we can cope with, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me!"

In my first marriage, we got in ruts all the time, and both complained about it. I finally told him I wanted counseling and he said no way. So I made an appt and told him I was going by myself.

He changed his mind about going. I think he didn't want to be out of the loop about what I was deciding about being married to him.

We went and things did improve for a year or so, then the pattern repeated, we went back for one appt, but I was done trying (he kept vetoing things I wanted to do that were reasonable, like finishing my BA, doing theatre professionally (we had enough money at that point) etc. Every time we went through counseling he would claim he would be supportive then revert.

Anyway...

I'm not saying the counseling will work, but I think it is a tool to find out.

Good luck.

there is some sort of misunderstanding between you two, you said twice in your blog you thought you were doing a good job. Has he ever told you what his expectations are? What does he feel you don't do? If we don't know what the actual expecation of us is of course we'll fail. You can try to make him happy but you can't make someone happy who doesn't want to be. Sita is right, if you at least go to counseilng, even alone they will help you sort through your emotions and who you are. If he absolutley won't go, he obviously doesn't WANT to fix it and you are re-arranging chairs on a sinking ship. Sometimes if someone wants out of a relationship and they are truly unhappy nothing you can do will appease them. If this is the case the counseling will help you through that process too. Best of luck to you.

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we can watch things happen, we can make things happen or we can wonder what the hell happened.

It seems that maybe he is unhappy with himself, and blames you. Thats a hard one to deal with. I agree with you, I think you should go for counceling for yourself at the very least.

Every town has an Elm Street

It seems that maybe he is unhappy with himself, and blames you. Thats a hard one to deal with. I agree with you, I think you should go for counceling for yourself at the very least.

Every town has an Elm Street

The only advice I have to offer is counseling. If he won't go with you, go for yourself. You need & deserve to be able to feel good about you and all that you do for your family, and your children need you to have that confidence in yourself. Just because your DH says those things doesn't make them true. Perhaps HE is the one being unappreciative for what YOU do.

My EH & I went through the same thing. We didn't have children, but it seemed like things were fine and then he would start to push me away and act like I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to have his children because I didn't have a degree in Parenting & Child Psychology. I wasn't good enough for him to take out on weekends because he didn't want his buddies to see him with someone who couldn't match their intelligence. (We lived in a college town.) I didn't deserve his attention because I got my hair cut and he thinks all women should have long hair. He broke me down to where I really believed I wasn't good enough and that I didn't deserve him because of these things.

I did end up going to counseling and got nailed in the face with that oh-so-famous "A-HA" moment. I hadn't changed who I was since we'd been together. I was the same person. I didn't have a degree in Parenting & Child Psychology when I met him. I hadn't lost intelligence (aside from believing I was not good enough). Yes, I did cut my hair. I suppose if that makes me a smaller person, that's where my change was. (Technically, cutting all that hair off did make me weigh less, if that counts as smaller... ).

I realized I wasn't a bad wife, or a bad person. Even while he treated me like I was, my whole heart was still devoted to him. Counseling helped me realize that his whole heart was devoted to him too. Nobody's heart was devoted to me, and I had to fix that. I came to realize he needed his wife to be a trophy wife who would be his mother on the side, and I knew I didn't have that to offer. I came to realize I needed my husband to be attentive & doting & willing to give me his heart. He didn't have that to offer. He shouldn't have to spend his life with someone he feels isn't good enough, & I shouldn't have to spend my life with someone who feels like I'm not good enough, so I left, and I haven't regretted it for one moment.

I'm not telling you that you should leave him, and I'm not telling you that you shouldn't. That's a choice for you to make.

"Women are angels & when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

I agree with sueu2,
You arent doing your kids any favors by staying with someone like that. The greatest gift a woman can give her children is a Happy Confident Mother.

Every town has an Elm Street

It's interesting that one person dreading, or thinking about being in a rut, can send the relationship into a rut. I'm just saying. When you expect something bad to happen, it will.

Anytime accusations are thrown out about how inadequate the other person is, and not one ounce of effort is put in to change oneself, there is a problem too.

I hope you will seek counseling on your own since he won't go. I think it would really help you to evaluate the situation and help you work through your confusion.