New to this site but thankful to vent!!
I just found this website today and I am just so thankful to have a place to vent. I am at the breaking point. I have been contemplating not allowing my SD9 to come over anymore because of how it disrupts our home. The problem isn't the SD9 though - it is her mom and dad. I love my BF whole-heartedly but he plays between BM & me. You can't straddle the fence. On top of that, BM calls my house and threatens me on a regular basis. She even threatened my unborn child when I was 8 months pregnant. Disgusting!! Not only that but my BF and I fight everytime SD9 comes over. I am thankful she goes to a charter school and we only get her once or twice a month but I am dreading summer. I have to watch everything I say in my own home because it gets misconstrued. Example: I have a 2 mo. old daughter. I pump my breast milk and bottle feed her. SD9 found out my daughter gets breast milk and told her mom. BM calls me screaming that I can't breastfeed in front of her daughter. She threatened me, called me names and screamed at me. I told her that I don't breastfeed but she just screamed at me for other things. I'm not even comfortable in my own home!!
BM is also quite the slut. She has 5 kids from 4 different men and is under 30. She has all of her kids calling my BF daddy which I find completely immoral. Thats not the half of it - she expects me to have ALL of her kids at my house. Last summer was hell. All my BF & I did was fight. We don't fight at all except over BM & her kids. Ridiculous!!!
I love my BF and I have a beautiful daughter with him but I don't know if I want to keep dealing with all of this. I want to have a family but not all this BS. I am starting to feel hopeless!!
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So does she only have one
So does she only have one daughter with your hubby? How old are the other kids? How long were they married? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to gain a better understanding of your situation.
The reason I ask, is it that HE is attached to all the other kids, or will she not let him see SD if he doesn't take all of the other kids.
Hi and welcome first of all
Hi and welcome first of all
You & your BF need to find a way to talk about the issues calmly (easier said than done I know), and you need to figure out which are the non-negotiable areas for yourself. Once you've got that straight in your mind you can offer him compromises, which will hopefully give him the impetus to compromise back.
Example: if he is bonded with all the children, then he will want to see them all, so you could suggest having them for one day a month. Point out to him the importance of his BD getting time alone with her dad, and that you want the best for their relationship.
Oh, and as for BM - disengage from her. Don't take her phonecalls, insist that all the communication goes through your BF (but that if a decision needs to be made that will affect the whole household he tells her he needs to discuss it with you first)
Good luck - and keep posting, it really does help!
"God never gives us more than we can cope with, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me!"
My BF has one daughter with
My BF has one daughter with her. The other kids are from different men. He is attached to them but knew from the start I did not want them at my house. First of all, they are not either of our kids. Second, he doesn't do that great of a job watching them. Third, I am a home-owner and I am liable if anything happens to them. Fourth, the little boy that he is the most attached to (5 y/o) threatened to push me down the steps. Fifth and final, I fear that one of the kids will hurt my infant daughter that I have with him.
They were together for 5 years off and on. She had the 5 y/o from another man when my boyfriend was in jail for child support even though he was living with her when she took him to court. She lied about his address to have him locked up. Thats what she would do when she got mad at him. Anyway, the 5 y/o boys dad took off as soon as he found out b/c BM is psycho. 5 y/o boy calls my boyfriend daddy (so do the other kids but they know he is not the real dad - boy has no clue). I think having a child call you daddy when you are not the biological father is wrong morally. What really bothers me is how to explain this to OUR daughter. What am I going to tell my daughter when she asks why this bratty little boy is calling him daddy??
Also, BM has kept my boyfriends daughter away from us because I won't allow her 5 y/o son to come over.
BF has got to set some
BF has got to set some boundaries with BM. Hopefully the two of you can talk about it and come up with some ideas together. What type of custody agreement is there?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
No custody agreement - not
No custody agreement - not in court. When SD wants to come over, she asks BM & BM will say yes or no. If yes, SD will call us. SD goes to a charter school (lives there) b/c BM doesn't want to deal with her kids.
When I talk to him, he is defensive and gets mad at me. On Saturday night SD spent the night. I got up at 8 AM to get my daughter a bottle. When I get downstairs, SD9 is in the living room by herself. I went back upstairs and told my BF. He said that she has been up since 7 and he went back to sleep. I woke him up a couple times & told him to go downstairs but he didn't until I told him if he doesn't spend time with her, she has to go home. He got up but was pissed at me. She was alone for over 4 hours. Later that night I talked to him about it. I said that he needs to be responsible when SD is over and if he can't get up with her in the morning when she spends the night, then she isn't allowed to sleep over anymore. That really pissed him off. I told him that anything that happens in this home, I am responsible for and that I could be sued for it. He is still mad at me. It could be worse!!
Wow, this is alot. First, I
Wow, this is alot. First, I think the MAJOR thing needed here is a custody order. For HIS kid only. The other children is something that can be worked out later between the two of you. NOT BM. It is not her choice who comes to your house, it is you and your BF's choice. That's it. A custody order will cut 95% of this crap out.
Second, there need to be some expectations set on him for when SD is there. But, I have a 9 year old SD and she is sometimes up hours before we are on the weekends. I think 9 is old enough to be awake on her own. But in my case, my SD9 is pretty responsible, knows not to touch the stove or open the door for anyone, etc. What do you fear SD will get into if he is not up with her?
And third, giiiiirlll don't EVER give BM your number if not needed. Let BF deal with her crazy ass. Is there any way you can change your number and keep it from her? That would probably save you a lot of stress right there.
(((hugs))).
It can get better. You just need boundaries for BM and expectations for your BF.
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
Agreed on the custody order.
Agreed on the custody order. BM has much too much control - it shouldn't be up to her to decide when he gets to see his daughter.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I agree with custody order
I agree with custody order but no one wants to go to court and we don't really have a problem with it now. His daughter calls when her mom allows her to. I don't care if she is allowed over or not and he is really laid back about it. He is not confrontational and just lets things go. The problem is when SD comes over, she goes back to BM & talks about me & my BF. BM gets mad and calls yelling half the time!
As for SD9 being alone for hours - my biggest point here is that he barely sees her and when he does, I expect him to spend time with her. She looked so unconfortable and lost when I came down to make that bottle for our daughter. I felt bad for her. She isn't used to being alone and I don't think she should be. If it was an hour or two I wouldn't bitch but she was alone over 4 hours!! Also, most of the time when he wakes up, he takes her home. What was the point of her spending the night?? I just want him to be with her, not just have her in the house!! I am also afraid that SD will tell BM about her being alone for hours and she will get pissed and go to child services to try to have OUR daughter taken away. She would do something like that!! Also, my parents were always with me. They dragged themselves out of bed regardless. I was brought up like that and intend to be like that with my child. I didn't even go to a babysitter until I was 9 - they switched shifts at work to balance me between them!!