I'm afraid of BM.

I'm sitting here, crying about having to deal with another woman saying things to my husband that should not be said. A few of the tears that fall carry a very nasty truth. I'm afraid of BM.

This isn't the first time I'm doing this, and certainly it won't be the last, and I don't know what my breaking point is, but I feel it getting closer and closer. I'm exhausted. I feel ridiculed and small. The boy I like is being pestered by another girl at the playground and I can't do anything about it.

As I posted in my last blog, BM was texting DH, yet again!, things that were neither welcomed nor made sense. She's telling him she misses him when he tells her he missed his son. DH and I fight about this a lot, about her, about her ways and her motives.

DH loves me. He comes home to me ever day and commits himself completely. I'm not questioning his loyalty to me as his partner. I know he doesn't want BM back and I know he knows her routine of stupid so he's over it.

I threw a fit over that message and told DH that this has to STOP. He says, "I can't help what she says to me and if I throw fire at it, she'll just do it more." You all know the bits from the other blog, so I don't want to repeat myself.

I told him, he must talk to her in front of me, and say shit like it is, because if he says he's already done it once and she's not cooperating, his way isn't working. DH calls me during the day and says, "I spoke to BM and because I had her on the phone already, I told her to stop those messages because they're inappropriate and they're disrespectful to my relationship."

I don't want to piss on this man's effort, but c'mon?! I don't believe it anymore. I want to trust my husband so badly that he stands up for us. I know he doesn't care about what she says. Fine, he ignores her, doesn't respond, and I GET THAT, but I'm not him. I know the coy voice he uses with her, I know how he placates and panders. I know why, and I can deal with that, but if this "conversation" really did occur, I can only imagine the point wasn't made clearly. Rather in a gentle enough way so BM doesn't get pissed off. I told him, if he doesn't tell me about the shit she says like he's supposed to (in turn I will not snoop through his phone to find it myself) I am fucking done. If this shit happens again, and I find out about it. I'm done.
But "done" doesn't mean much in this house. We fight through hell for each other, and that's all nice and dandy, but we fight to make points, not to love (or at least that's what it feels like right now).

BM apparently replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to offend. I didn't mean it like that," etc. etc.

Let me pull up your big girl pants, BM, just for a moment, and ask you like an adult, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU INTEND FOR IT TO MEAN?

If this happens again, I want to talk to BM. I'm a lady and I can keep my cool but I want her to hear it from ME. I want to ask her if DH talked to her and if she understands what he meant. We both respect her as Bacon's mom. We wouldn't have it any other way. She's mom. She's #1 in that place and we will do everything we can to uphold that respect for her. She deserves it. She's mom. All I ask is the same in return as DH's wife. Respect our relationship. It has nothing to do with you. Just like your child, really and honestly, has nothing to do with me. I'm just along for the ride and I don't insert myself where I'm not wanted, never mind NEEDED. I know my place!! I'm comfortable with it! WHY WHY WHY doesn't BM?

WTF people. I'm sorry, my anger is raging. But WHAT DA FUCK?!?!

I'm so afraid and so ashamed that fear motivates the precious moments of my life. My only one!
I'm afraid DH won't mention again when BM says shit. I'm afraid BM will say shit. I'm afraid I'll snoop. I'm afraid I'll argue again with DH. I'm afraid I'll lose sleep over it, cry over it, stress over it. I'm afraid I'll go off on BM and make everything worse. I'm so scared that BM will be the reason my relationship will end. A person I never wanted to meet. A person who is nothing to me will be the reason behind this failure.

And I'm waiting for it with a pit in my stomach. I could let this go again. DH said he told her off. I could trust him. I could just "let it go" because "in the long run, this won't matter". All those cliches. I could do it! But it takes every little fucking ounce of my patience, pride, empathy and understanding and I'm at the point where that shit is running low. I don't have much more to give.

I don't necessarily want any advice. I just want to vent. I'm sorry for the f bombs. I'm sorry if this "offends" anyone. Steperg, don't even reply to this. I haven't said anything regarding your responses on other posts, but I've really wanted to. Just don't bother on this one. You are entitled to your own opinion, that's cool, but please skip this bit. I'm so down right now, and you tend to be very crass in your wording, and I could really do without that.

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I'm sorry.....I can imagine

I'm sorry.....I can imagine how u feel,,it must be horrible....I really don't have any advice, but my heart breaks for u....just keep yur faith in yur DH...I bet he DID tell her off and knows how at the breaking point u are

A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....

Faith upholds everything,

Faith upholds everything, doesn't it? Whether it's of a religious persuasion, of just plain old faith in the good things in life. I never thought it had a limit. I've been though a lot of shit in my 24 years of life and no matter what's happened, I keep coming back for more. That is life. But I am running on empty with this faith stuff. Lotus, I hear you and I thank you for your words. I'm just so low. THIS LOW. How do you even show "low" on a forum..

THIS LOW

... and faith just seems like a used up excuse

I am sorry you are dealing

I am sorry you are dealing with what has been put on your plate. Honestly i know exactly where you are coming from. I have only been married for a week, but have been with my husband for 2 years and his BM is a total bitch to. she was doing a lot of the same things your husbands BM is doing. and my husband was very passive toward her about it and it really pissed me off to the point i told him it would stop or i was leaving. so finally what we did was had his cell phone number changed and now she only has my cell number. If she needs to talk to someone about my ss she talks to me. Of course she was pissed off but like i told her, the only concern she has in this house is her son and that doesn't require her to talk to my husband. Put your foot down don't let her break up your marriage.Hell give me her number i will call her myself. lol she is doing what she is doing because he is happy with someone else. does the child live with you guys?

I couldn't ask DH to change

I couldn't ask DH to change his number. What kills me is that this drama is so ridiculous! Look at us! We're trying to find every trick in the book to blast a BM out of our territory. It shouldn't have to be that way. I should have to wonder, worry, fuss, take it out my husband. If we're all adults here, if we all can get up every day, live our lives, have kids for pete's sake! then we can be grown up enough to cut this kind of crap. It's like high school!
Bacon doesn't live with us and we don't see him often so there really is a lot of guilt for DH, I'm sure. At the same time, I don't know what he'd be so afraid of? What can she do?

It's exhausting, you know? It's just so freaking pathetic.

I'm glad that your DH stands by you so well and it's worked out for you guys.

I might take you up on your offer one day, tammy

Ms. Freeze I can't take it

Ms. Freeze I can't take it that far.

DH and BM don't speak every day. She doesn't call my house, she doesn't keep him on the phone for hours. The woman is completely capable of acting like a normal person. If I take away the BM label, the ex-wife label, this lady is okay in my book.

I don't want to put DH in the hot seat and suggest legal action or harassment charges. What she is doing is simply hurtful and mean, not harassment, if you know what I mean. DH doesn't see Bacon often, doesn't speak to him on a regular basis because Bacon loathes telephones, so we can't really risk pissing her off.

I LOVE THE "FEAR" bit.. how insightful! I'm going to print this out and put it on my fridge, lady.

Thank you <3

Hi Kats, DH's way of

Hi Kats,
DH's way of handling this rubble is by not responding when she says things to get his emotions riled up, to get a reaction. At least that is what he tells me. I've had bits of other conversations where I'd argue against this explanation but they're behind us.

DH doesn't answer to her because he doesn't care. What she says is such bull and he knows her games that he doesn't give it energy. I get that. But I also think that by NOT saying, "STOP, that has no place in this conversation," he's giving her the okay to keep saying shit like that.

She must know him. She was with him for quite some time, so she knows what gets to him and what doesn't.

If I do confront her, it will be just as you described. Short, curt, sweet. "Got the point, BM? Good, thanks." I'm certainly not here to make myself look like an ass.

However, I also don't want to let her see me sweat. I don't want her to know this bugs me, so that's why I ask DH to take care of it but...

here I am writing this blog.

Thanks for your support

Heheh I'll take whatever I

Heheh I'll take whatever I can get!!

i hear you. just a few

i hear you. just a few weeks ago BM replied to a text of BFs with "I love you too:)" now he has an iphone and showed me the whole string. frankly, hers is out of NOWHERE. still pisses me off...but what can you do about her insanity? he sent her an email..he told her NO NO NO. she is still insane.

You're a champ for sticking

You're a champ for sticking through this, you know that?

I'm getting dangerously close to the point where I want to say, "ciao!". No explanations, no more words, no more questions.

I'm no sexbomb but dammit, I got something working for me. I have a lot to offer and I certainly don't have a problem finding someone who'll want to have a go. I can find a relationship where this dynamic doesn't even exist. I can have my "firsts" with a guy who can appreciate them. I'm not asking for some sort of embellished, out of this world, overly demanding relationship. Respect is all I want and all I want to give to this woman. DH sees this, I believe, but (bless his heart) the man is stuck. I know it's not easy for him but here I am, making it harder for myself, too.

Ahh thank you folkmom. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

OMG OH MY LORDY LORD I'M ON

OMG

OH MY LORDY LORD

I'M ON IT!

I'M ON IT, I'M ON IT, I'M ON IT.

Before I have to speak to this woman (given this happens again) I will say that. No shame there. I will absofuckinglutely say that.

BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!

HECK

HECK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Weelllll...if DH allows me to send that from his phone. It's not confrontational, it's not mean, it's just saying, "BM..DH tells me what you're saying and what you're saying is just really not fucking working lady. You're embarrassing yourself."

So yeah, if I have the chance, I'm going to do it.

LMAO!! Ms. Freeze this idea

LMAO!! Ms. Freeze this idea is gold!

I promise you, the next opportunity, I will. And I'll say it like you did, my way was just exemplifying what "I miss you toooo BM"- love misfit" would really mean

we laugh at her a lot. she

we laugh at her a lot. she is going thru her second divorce and is flailing about trying to have a man. i know BF cannot stand her...and is largely amused at her downfall with the man she cheated on BF with. it is like watching a train wreck. when she calls and says "come over for a drink" (friday night appended to the dance schedule convo) BF just says NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. then he and i try to guess how drunk she was. she is just ridiculous.

I'm sorry, I know how hard

I'm sorry, I know how hard this is to deal with. I used to get royally pissed off that BF would ignore Wilda when she was being ridiculous but now I know that's the best thing to do. Fighting with people like this is impossible. They always have to win, they always need the last word. If he ignores her, he's not validating her, he's validating his right to not have to respond to anything that she says. She's looking for a response, she's trying to get a rise out of both of you - not giving her one is going to piss her off more than anything. Pissed off BM because of this usually = happy SM008

Why don't you suggest to him that he stop texting her altogether? Do EVERYTHING by email, that way it's less disruptive and you'll have everything together in the event that you may need to print it out & use against her in court someday.

Just a thought...

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

this is SOOOO true! sooooo

this is SOOOO true! sooooo true! i always have a retort i want to use and BF is right...ignore the crazy narcissist. god, even my therapist says "ignore the crazy narcissist!"

I did suggest that. I said

I did suggest that. I said if she doesn't stop this time around, suggest to her that you will only communicate through email.

He said no because he doesn't want to risk losing his son. This is valid and I agree. She would take it that far, I don't doubt it.

Their contact isn't constant. It used to be worse, he'd listen to her brag about her life, some 24 y/o guy hitting on her (BM is 37 I believe, DH is 43, I'm 24. coincidence? who knows.) and I told him that shit is out of control. He's not her confidant or her friend. If she's bored and needy, she's got plenty of friends to confide in. That all stopped, but now it's this idiotic behavior.

What you offer is what DH does. He ignores her. He doesn't give me any reason to think that he loves her and wants to be with her. I'm sure he misses his son. I don't think he misses the "family" that they were, and if he did, I think I could understand that. Sometimes though, I think he tells her things to make her work with him, you know? If he has to tell her no to something, maybe he offers some sort of softening remark. I don't know. DH is a complex person but I know he tries.

Forgive me if I sound bitchy

Forgive me if I sound bitchy but him saying that he won't do everything by email because he doesn't want to risk losing his son is giving her WAY too much control and she knows it. If you have an agreement in place and she breaks it, haul her ass into court for contempt and alienation. It's not fair that the two of you have to live your lives in fear of this woman.

PS - I dig the idea of texting her back

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

You don't sound bitchy. You

You don't sound bitchy. You sound like you mean business and I certainly like it BUT..there is no agreement in place. Things are not that serious in other aspects. BM isn't a total twatmuffin. Only in this aspect. Also, this doesn't bother DH. He simply ignores her. Doesn't respond. It only bothers me because for the love of god, I can not understand how there is another woman texting my husband such things.

So I guess it all comes down to me. I'm the one that cares wayyy too much. I give a damn therefore I must suffer through it. KWIM?

Back to square one.
*sigh*

Thanks stepmom008 <3

I know what you mean. I'm

I know what you mean. I'm the one that also has a major problem with Wilda's texts. BF ignores it but it eats and eats at me to the point where I end up getting mad at him. That's one of the things that I decided to go to counseling for... learning how to cope with my nasty feelings for the woman (and I use that term loosely). I find that I do best when I don't know anything. Ignorance is bliss, right? I trust that he'll ignore her and if he feels like telling me about it? Great! If not, I either don't care of will find it upon snooping

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

I don't want to have to

I don't want to have to snoop. It's really not my thing. DH keeps it from me because he's afraid of my reaction, afraid of me grilling his ass. As he should be! But to be fair, I can take this drama a little lighter and give him a break IF he just mans up and tells me what's going on. If he wants me to give him the benefit of the doubt about the situation, I need to be in a place where I can do that for him. Ignorance is bliss when you don't have reasons to think you're being jipped.

BM in our case wanted to be

BM in our case wanted to be "BFS friend" when second hubby left her 5 weeks ago. the texts were crazy. she left SOBBING voicemails about how she would give him money, her house, anything to be his friend again.

he played them for me. it was disturbing. then he says "do you think we should get mace?" lol!

so he sent an 11 paragraph email that repeated and repeated I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. i mean it was an AWESOME email. hard to miss the point even if you are dumb. it was like "i do not want to hear about your personal life, i do not care."

she went down for 10 days after that...but she resurged with texts and emailsof "i can be patient. it is good for us and the kids if we are friends."

and that is when he employs "Ignore the crazy narcissist" because really, he already does not answer her calls...he texts only for schedule...and what else can you do? she is just nuts.

I take my hat off to you,

I take my hat off to you, folkmom.

BM recently lost her BF too. I felt bad for her. She had an episode and cried on my shoulder. It was very awkward, but my heart broke for her. The man didn't want her and now he's supposedly happy with someone else.

So, like your BM, my BM is lonely but for crying out loud..why does MY HUSBAND have to get the fallout?

WHY MY HUSBAND?

This is obviously rhetorical, but you get the point

it is the theory of

it is the theory of backslide. a rejected person starts going backwards to people in their past that at one time loved them, searching for a form of validation.

after BF rejected her...no joke..she actually flew to the pacific southwest to have a long booty call weekend with her former lover (the first guy she cheated on BF with in their marriage). so now she has cheated on hubby no.1 and 2 with the same guy. she is after all still married..and claims she is having a long distance marriage. bf was insulted a bit that she wanted himt o come for drinks because hubby 2 is allegedly out of town (we do not believe) ...i mean this is the guy she cheated on him with to end the marriage!

so now that she has run thru her past, we fully anticipate new bfs or flings. oh the fun.

That is an excellent point,

That is an excellent point, FM! The theory of blackslide. I can shamelessly admit I've been that woman. I've gone back to an ex to heal some wounds because I knew he'd always see me in the best light. But this man wasn't married. This man didn't have someone else by his side.

I've done some dumb things in my days but I can't imagine the kind of woman who goes for something that's already taken. What's the point? Even if you get a little something good, you'll never have the whole deal.

Your BM takes the cake, on this one. I'd pay for my BM's ticket to fly her ass ANYWHERE and get something, anything, just to leave my husband alone.

oh and i NEVER EVER EVER

oh and i NEVER EVER EVER speak to BM. there would be no crying on my shoulder. i would just say "karma is a bitch you crazy narcissist whore."

so, given that is what i would say...i try not to deal with her:)

She was picking up Bacon

She was picking up Bacon early in the AM while DH was at work already. She was just bawling, face all mangled and tear stained, heavy alcohol on her breath. She hadn't taken her make up off from the night before (we had him overnight so she could go out, which is cool). She was just one hot mess. Shaking and freaking out, telling me over and over, "this isn't about you and DH, this isn't about you and DH, I swear." I felt bad for her. Genuinely bad. So I just held her and let her cry. She started to heave and shake on my shoulder. The woman was in a lot of pain. Then she just got in her car and left. I called DH to tell him something is up. He calls her, concerned, asks her what happened. She won't say. He presses. Asks if someone hurt her and says, "what do you care, you're moving away from us and leaving us behind anyway." Sigh.. nice. Just what we needed.

Later we found out through mutual friends that her BF dumped her.

I don't know what her every day life is like. I don't know how hard it is to be a single mom (which was her choice but still). I don't know what it's like to have a 5 year old every single day of my life, to have to give up things, adjust things, see things differently because you have a kid. I can't judge her for the kind of mom she is or isn't because I don't know her life day to day. I hope for the best but in the end, it's not my place to judge. When she brings drama into my life that is just so RIDICULOUS, I can't help but dislike her.

So really, I don't want to be mean. I'm not confrontational at all! I just hate to be challenged on what I cherish and work so hard for which is my marriage with DH.

I know what you are going

I know what you are going through. On the bright side, Im glad that he has been upfront with you and shared the messages that she has been sending him. Im my opinion, that shows he wants you to trust him. We had similar things happen in our relationship with the only difference being that my DH didnt tell me what she was up to until TWO YEARS after we had been living together. I can tell you I was devestated. Not only by her behavior but more so by the fact that he kept it from me. He said that he was "trying to protect me" but I never saw it that way and still dont.

I have never confronted BM about the stuff she has pulled and I dont plan on it. I agree with the others that said to encourage DH to ignore her. If he must address her he should just simply tell her that he is very happy with you and has no interest in renewing a relationship with her. BM will move on.

Actually, I snooped. We

Actually, I snooped. We argued about something else and I went for the phone. We had this issue for a while. I just decided to trust him, stop snooping. I was clean a month (LOL..yes it was that bad) and then I looked again only to find this bullshit.

He says he'll tell me if BM talks to him. He doesn't. I have to ask. He said he would have told me but I knew he wouldn't. We had already argued and he wouldn't give me more to feel angry at him for.

I think DH is afraid of my reactions which are..intense. But if someone is upfront with me, I think I can handle it and be calm.

This woman doesn't seem to be getting all the hints that DH doesn't want her. Or..DH is simply not telling her off like he's telling me he is.

No truth because I didn't see it happen.

Thank you for your input, CrystalRE.

(((((misfit)))))

right back at you, coySM

I think he's in a bad spot,

I think he's in a bad spot, Misfit. I feel like he is trying so very hard to please you, the woman he loves, while trying to placate BM, the woman who holds his child. It can get quite complicated.
My skids BM would leave messages to FH starting off with "Babe" and ending them with "love u". With my skids BM, she isn't outwardly crazy all the time, but the tendencies are there. Not to mention her anger problem. I also have realized that she is in the early stages of PAS.
So I try to empathize with FH. I try to understand what it must be like to have to constantly be alert and ready for the next "swing" from her and how it will affect me. But there is a fine line between understanding and being taken for a fool.
What your DH has to understand is that there is no middle ground here, when you are dealing with a woman who isn't all there. There is no keeping her happy and keeping you happy. Someone has to be unhappy. If you were dealing with a woman who has truly moved on and is only looking out for the best interest of her son, that's one thing. But clearly she isn't.
But it doesn't have to be an argument either Misfit. Do you understand that everytime you and DH have an argument about her she wins? That every tear you shed out of anger for her shows her as winning, as getting what she wants? She doesn't care or respect you. She doesn't give you a second thought. So why are YOU? Why are you letting her rent space in your head? Someone, I think Ms. Freeze said it in blog response to someone else about that, "What a crazy tenant that was!" and how she just evicted her from her mind.
Easy, NO!!! And like you I snoop. But FH knows I do it, so is it really snooping? But I'm just curious. I can never go by blind faith. But its less and less than what it used to be. You will know when is the right time to let that go.
I'm sorry for the long rambling and projection, but I truly know how you feel because I have been there. And anytime you need to talk you can PM me.

(((((GiGi)))) I don't say

(((((GiGi))))

I don't say this enough, but I try. I try, I try, I try, I try so hard to empathize with DH. He is a good man in many ways and I like him. I really LIKE him. I love him to pieces yes, but I also like him as a person, and I want him to like me, too, which takes much of me not making a fuss over BM.

Again, obviously I'm at fault here, as I can't control myself. This woman is just..

I don't know what DH thinks about having to keep two women happy. I know he sure tries. I know I'm #1 but it's hard to watch him being controlled by another woman. He won't admit that this is what happens but c'mon, it's not rocket science. I know his pride is at stake, too, I know. UGh and I feel so badly about it, GiGi. I tell myself that maybe I'm not made for this, that he could do better, find a woman who WILL understand, will put up with it and won't even bat an eye. It breaks my heart on many levels.

I will actually suggest he reads your bit here. Maybe it will open up some communication and cooperation between us. I really appreciate your words and I WANT to be the wife that trust her man, stands by her man, supports her man- not trashes him about his exW. But his isn't what happens in normal relationships. I've already had to "adjust" to the life he brought along when we got together. I think it's only fair that I can have some understanding here, too.

Could the reason that you

Could the reason that you have problems controlling how you feel is because maybe deep down you worry that there are still feelings left over? I only ask because I see so many similarities between you and I, as well as between your DH and Red, and I know that that is what drives me getting a little insane when it comes to BM contacting Red. Deep down, I know that there is a part of me that is afraid that he will remember how he use to love her and that I'll be left in the dust. As I become more secure in our relationship, I do not seem to get as wound tight when she calls or texts. Where I use to feel anger, now I start to feel pity. Not all the time, but it's a start.

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

No and yes. I don't believe

No and yes.

I don't believe DH wants her back or wants anything to do with this woman. She (from his side of the story) hurt him pretty badly. He tried to save the family. It didn't work. He exemplifies every single day how committed he is to me and I'm so grateful for that. He comes home to me every day. So I have to cut him some slack, the man is mine and he wants it that way. He's also VERY VERY HEADSTRONG. He's a Scorpio if that means anything to anyone. There are days where he's absolutely impossible and ironically, I love him for that, because he keeps me on my toes. When it comes to issues with BM, it's like he takes it as a joke sometimes. He refuses to see how frustrating it is for me. I know he tries.

The only thing I worry about is that he might be getting his ego stroked by this woman. I mean really, who wouldn't feel at least a little glad to see their ex want to crawl back so badly, seeing what she's lost. So perhaps he allows her these things because he relishes in it. I don't know. That is so far fetched into his behaviors and thoughts that it's hard to believe. If this is the case, then if it's not BM today, it could be someone else tomorrow, and that's scary. So in the end, it is a bit of a trust issue.

Misfit. I used to get all

Misfit.

I used to get all flustered up myself. The BM in my case is mentally ill. She is a creature of impulsive behaviors and extreme emotions. When she has three glasses of wine and announces to a room full of people (including me) that my husband is her soul mate...

I smile.

Only because it's so gosh darn silly.

I could turn myself inside out letting her know my perceptions. That my husband is MY soulmate. I could stomp my feet and demand that she respect my marriage... but she just won't. She, in that moment, had an explosion of words based on a feeling. It has nothing to do with me. It has to do with her proving something to herself. She has a jaded view of the world where she needs to place herself atop a pedastal for us all to admire, because she doesn't have the strength or the self worth to respect herself enough... to realize that it doesn't have to be that way.

In your case..think of how sad it is that she is texting a man who is married to someone else. Pondering just where she went wrong and why she was never worthy of being loved by him... that she is desperately trying to prove to herself that he does.

I leave the disaster that is my husband and his exwife to him. I expect my husband to respect my marriage and know that she is a twister of words and her outlook is doomed to be skewed. I don't care what my husband does when it comes to her. He can't alter who he is to try to force her to understand ANYTHING. If he talks sweet to her to get money she owes him? So be it. If she twists it up that he must still be in love with her. Who cares? He could yell at her and she would twist that up that he wouldn't yell if he didn't still love her.

I think if you learn to detach yourself and start looking at doing what makes misfit happy by learning to focus on misfit... your happiness and self worth will overflow. He loves you. The love he has for you is BECAUSE of you.. not in spite of her.

Learn to love you a little more and he'll follow your lead. I promise.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

As always, CG, you speak to

As always, CG, you speak to my innermost. My emotional matrix. I don't blog a lot, but when I blog, no matter what topic, you often end your reply by saying, "Learn to love you a little more."

I'm in awe of your words because I hear them, loud and clear, I just don't know how to make it happen, CG.

I think that we have to lend

I think that we have to lend ourselves a certain clemency in that we are only capable of being who we are.

I don't like being pissed off all the time but I also suck at confrontation. It triggers up my senses and I start being really hard on myself because in essence, when slighted words are thrown my way... I believe in them because I struggle in my own self esteem. It often makes me feel worse almost each and every time I have confronted BM in all her glory. I also have found that she really doesn't respect herself, so it's a HUGE expectation on my part for her to ever respect me. ESPECIALLY when I am coming from a place where I'm being reactionary in my behavior. I don't find it respectable so why in the heck would she? So I just had to learn to stand up for myself in a different way is all. I can't be the person that gets in a big mud slinging contest... my feelings are too fragile.

When it comes to my DH?

My own codependent demons enable me to try to convince others to start "proving" my worth thru THEIR actions. When if you look at it logically, that's really not the route to take. I have to command that thru my own actions. How can someone else love me if I don't even know how to do that? How can I tell my husband to love me in a way that MAKES me feel loved... when I have not one clue how to love myself in that way. I have to show him how to love me, not demand him to.

You (and I) envy Cruella because she is really good at sticking up for herself and will kabong her husband upside the head. It's because she accepts herself just the way she is... and commands that the people around her accept her as well. She leads by example.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

It's interesting to know

It's interesting to know that your BM doesn't even respect herself and rightly, there's no reason to expect any towards you. That is an excellent way to justify her behavior without having to put a blame on anyone or anything. It's just what it is. A part of her nature.

Everything you've written makes sense to me, it's just the process of putting it into action that's dreadful. I'm not that "advanced" yet in self discipline and self love. I always welcome your input, CG.

A part of her nature.

A part of her nature.

Exactly.

You have to accept her for who she is and quit trying to mold her to be something she not only has no capability in being.. but no desire.

Sometimes when we look at our lives, we are unhappy. Sometimes all it takes to be happy is to change the way we look at our lives.

The only person to "blame" (or acknowledge) for your unhappiness (or happiness)... is you. Laughter and Anger are reactions, happiness and misery are a state of mind that you have to really work at to sustain.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Awesome, Awesome advice, CG.

Awesome, Awesome advice, CG. Misfit, first of all, big hugs!!

I think your DH is doing everything he can to show you how much he loves you. Unfortunately, dealing with BM is something he will have to do for the rest of his life. They had a child together, and whether we as the new wives like it or not, they are bonded in that - just like some of us, unfortunately, are still bonded to our ex-husbands. Believe me, that totally sucks!

The only thing you can control in this situation is your own reaction. I completely understand how you feel wanting to stamp your feet, place your brand on your man, and tell her that "HE'S MINE BITCH, BACK THE HELL OFF!!!!" Hell, yeah, I understand that. By doing that, though, you give her power. She knows it bothers you, and she will continue to do it and will never stop. Stop being her bait. I know saying and doing are two completely different things, but you just have to let it roll off. Let her say what she will - your DH thinks it's ridiculous anyway and does not respond. I think eventually, with him not responding, she will get the hint and stop. She only looks like a fool if she continues.
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

Thank you OHG, big hugs

Thank you OHG, big hugs back!

You're absolutely right that DH shows me how much he loves me. I don't doubt that. Well okay, sometimes..for the most part I don't see that lacking.

BM doesn't take hints or OBVIOUS comments. I think in the end is that I don't know if DH told her to back off or not because he didn't do it in front of me like I had asked. This is the second time. I think he skeezed that one. Not to hurt me but to protect himself a bit. If he didn't love me this all wouldn't stress him out the way it does when I bring it up. He doesn't stress over her because he doesn't care. He stresses over me because he does.

Aghhhhh! Insanity. I'm seriously just losing it.

I envy you, Cru

My BF did that in the last

My BF did that in the last email..among other things. He said "I have someone special in my life now who i love with all my heart and that is the person i share my thoughts and feelings with (she had said she wanted to talk his feelings on things the kids did), and that someone special is NOT you and never will be."

and did she get it? nope.

sigh.

I haven't read thru

I haven't read thru everything yet, but I went thru this same thing last weekend with BM calling BF and starting with the skids but then going on and on about her medical problems and crying to him. I was livid. I said the same things about 'respecting our relationship'.

I told Bf that if he wanted her to cry to him then...don't tell me (bm doesn't have a cell so no txts tho). He actually manned up and after she said whatever about the kids and then started on her med problems, he said let me know where kids will be and hung up on her.

That is the only way she will ever stop using his shoulder to cry on.

I understand why you are so crazy upset....I was there last week.

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your situation, bearcub. I know this is common among BMs. I'm glad it worked out for you and I hope I get to that point somewhere too.

StepCoquette (love, love

StepCoquette (love, love LOVE your name by the way).. you make a great point about the downside of speaking to BM.

I don't want to. It's my last resort. I hate to argue and I'm not good at it. I don't know how to hold a grudge. I don't know how to do the silent treatment (I'm learning with DH lol) and I can't stand having bad energy over my head with another person. I can agree to disagree. I can let things go with a logical explanation but if someone just does shit to be mean then WTF?!?!?

I've never confronted her. God knows I've wanted to, but I've been told over and over by STalkers here to just "let it go". "Don't let her see you sweat"- I think Cruella said that to me once and I ran with it. It's my mantra. But how much is enough?!?!

I can go with the idea that she's jealous of me, sure. I got the man she lost, her son adores me, so do her ex-in-laws, and I'm significantly younger than her (okay I just like to throw that in for good taste lolol). What she doesn't know is that every ounce of my soul envies her for one thing- giving DH a son. She didn't deserve that privilege and she messed it up big time. I'm sorry if she's lonely and sad and feeling like no one wants her but this is MY husband. She didn't want him anymore. She cheated. She lied. She said she'd "try" but just led him on. WTF?!?!

I think that's all I got these days.. just "what the fuck".

Thank you for your input, lady. I appreciate hearing your story.

misfit, I don't have any

misfit, I don't have any great pearls of wisdom, but I think we've all been there. All I can really offer you is HUGS!!!!

Thank you, Sia. Hugs are

Thank you, Sia. Hugs are always good Sending you some as well, hon.

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