Spinoff on ChaiLatte's Blog....Who are we REALLY angry at: BM/SO/skids or ourselves?
Reading Chai's blog today made me really pause and wonder who I'm really angry at. The truth is its myself. I know that I have been very resentful of BM, and even DH and the skids at times. I have been so angry that both DH and BM have these jobs that I have felt they have used to shirk the responsibility of being a parent (DH is a pilot and is often gone for days on end, while BM is an EMT who works 24 hr. shifts and whom the court has determined is entitled to only have the kids on her days off). This has left me, who works and also has a 2 year old, to be the responsible one. We have the skids every other day regardless of whether DH is here or not. Even if I told DH that I wouldn't manage the skids on the days he's gone...BM won't take them because she works on the days we have the skids. Anger Anger Anger. And it has slowly seeped into every cell in my body. The last few days have been really difficult. You know when you reach that point where you can't cry, you can't yell because you just can't feel a damn thing anymore.
I had to stop and think long and hard about WHY I'm angry, and WHO I am really angry at. Not the skids, they may have issues and lord knows SS in particular is a handful, but they did not cause my unhappiness. BM would be another easy target, but the truth is that I'm more angry at the system that allows her to remain irresponsible and fails to hold her accountable then I really am angry at her. DH? Well, yes, to some degree I hold him responsible for bringing this baggage into my life with so many unresolved issues for me to "fix" financially, emotionally etc. I guess I also hold him responsible for the general expectation that I will live in his world (city, house, kids, etc) while I give up so much (and he fails to even acknowledge that fact).
But you know where most of the anger lies? With myself.
I am angry that I did not enforce more strict boundaries at the beginning of our relationship.
I am angry that I did not pay more attention to protecting my financial security.
I am angry that I have given up having any fun, or seeing my friends and family.
I am angry that I have allowed myself , and have done so without so much a whimper.
I am angry that my life and my future are determined by a woman that I don't like and children that are not mine.
But the issue is with me, and I suppose that is slightly positive thing, because it means that I have to figure out how I can change it.
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I know a lot of this
I know a lot of this resentment rightfully should be directed at myself. After my divorce, I had rules about what I would and wouldn't allow in a future relationship. I broke my own rules. All I can do is hope I make better choices in the future.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
So can you forgive
So can you forgive yourself?
Can you stop trying to "fix" his baggage and perhaps figure out why you let it get to this point where everyone around you is seemingly content because of your actions... except you. That's usually what happens when we do for everyone but ourselves...
You last words relay a desire for change.
Change is hard. But often begins with an act of defiance...
Where or where do you begin? Where do you want to go from here?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I can forgive myself. I
I can forgive myself. I believe that I must say "no" to what I don't want in the future and that I need to get back in touch with the forceful, independent woman that lurks within. You know to some degree I think I've been jealous of BM; that she lives her life completely for herself while I've been living my life for everyone else. Perhaps somewhere in between is most ideal.
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
That is so weird. I just
That is so weird. I just blogged about this myself
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
"the truth is that I'm more
"the truth is that I'm more angry at the system that allows her to remain irresponsible and fails to hold her accountable then I really am angry at her."
--- YES!!! I'm definitely angry at the system that can allow children to suffer and reduce such a complicated situation to be as simple as $X amount of CS and EOWE visitation for a person who is supposed to have EQUAL RIGHTS as a parent.
I'm angry at BM for refusing to recognize DH as a parent.
I'm angry at DH for letting so many things go just to keep the peace.
I'm angry at SS for playing both of his parents against each other.
I'm angry at myself for not protecting my financial security.
Im mad at all of them, lol.
Im mad at all of them, lol. I am no longer angry with myself because I changed things.
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
Im mad at all of them, lol.
Im mad at all of them, lol.
----------> ****giggles**** Busted out laughing at this one!
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
"I guess my real anger is
"I guess my real anger is that no one (and I literally mean no one) recognizes what I do for two kids that I didn't give birth to..."
I think we're all angry about that. I know I am.
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
ME TOO!!!
ME TOO!!!
Invisible Mother...... It
Invisible Mother......
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone (or even on the toilet) and ask to be taken somewhere.
Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm busy?'
Obviously, not.
No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a taxi to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. My friend had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when my friend turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe.
I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "... with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work. No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.
It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ' I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4:00 in the morning and bakes homemade pies. Then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're gonna love it there.'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.
And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women. We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.
Wow....CG....u blew me
Wow....CG....u blew me away....thank u for that
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
that is awesome CG....this
that is awesome CG....this is going on my fridge!
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"
CG did you write
CG did you write that?
"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."
Gosh no!! (Hence the
Gosh no!! (Hence the itallics)
But thank you for thinking I did.
I got it in an email from a fellow, and very tired, "soccer" (baseball/football/cheerleading/softball) mom.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I've got to admit that I
I've got to admit that I used to really resent my stepkids, especially when I miscarried. I felt jealous that BM could have kids and I couldn't. I felt jealous that so much $$$$ from DH was going to BM.
What really helped me was getting counseling. The counselor had me write down a list of every event that had happened. Then, we looked at the list and talked about who really was to blame for all that had happened.
It's the adults who teach children behaviors, good and bad. It's the adults who have the responsibility to teach kids how to behave. It's up to both bio parents to not alienate the child from their other parents, bio and step. It's also up to us steps to not badmouth the other parents (bio or step) to the child(ren). Children learn from what they see & hear. If the parent with whom they reside is not disciplining them or teaching them proper behavior, then unfortunately, the set of parents who only see the kid(s) every other weekend or a few weeks a year have a difficult time keeping the kids in line, and their influence is limited. That's what my counselor told me. Now that we have custody, things are much better. Skids are now well-behaved young women. They will he damaged due to BM for the rest of their lives. The amount of neglect & abuse they suffered at BM's hands is astronomical.
So, in the long run, my issues weren't with the kids but with BM and DH (he was a guilty parent).
The answer is ....... Yes.
The answer is ....... Yes. Sometimes it is one person on the lest sometimes it all the people on the list.
We are human and not infallible. I however am usually angry at the stupid person/people which is rarely either my wife or I.
It is good to always be right! Ha! :O
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Here is what i think you
Here is what i think you should do with the skids situation. Your hubby might be mad at first but think about this. What would they do with the kids if you were not in the picture? Whatever their respose to that is what they need to be doing with you in the picture. I know you are there stepparent but you are not responsible for thier care. I have been with my BF for 5 years and when he is out of town for work the kids dont come over. They dont come to my house to see me they come to see him and if he isnt there why would they be at the house? Sounds to me like you are being treated like a free babysitter.