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So much anger

Catlover's picture

Submitted by Catlover on Sun, 04/05/2009 - 12:18pm

I've come to realize that the situation with skids/BM has left me with so much resentment and anger. Anger that DH brought chaos into our relationship and that chaos will follow us for life, while my "baggage" is nowhere near his (my exH and I didn't have kids and we split peacefully). Anger that skids are spoiled rotten and the world must revolve around them and their almighty schedule(per BM, court, inlaws etc) while BD(1) is eclipsed. Anger that my personal schedule, financial earnings, and very belief system is at the mercy of those skids who are eager to remind me that I am not their mom. Anger that DH's job puts him away for days at a time, sometimes with no notice, so that I am in effect left to deal with the skids, house, and extracurriculars (which I have little say in). Anger that thousands of dollars of my income have gone to fight BM in court, only to be kicked in the teeth by that very same system.

The funny thing, is that I've never been an angry person. I've always been the level headed, collected person, yet I do have a lot of resentment. Most people such as my parents that I talk to just tell me "you knew what you were getting into....". Yes and no. Did I know that it would be tough, Yes. The rest, however, I really had no clue how much it would seep into our daily life. I love my Dh, and BD is truly the light of my life. I have tried to find local support groups, which are nonexistent. I think that's what is so difficult about step parenting. The isolation; perhaps this is why this board has been such a wonderful thing for me to find.

I am in process of finding a therapist to try to find a means to "let go" of my resentment, as I am a firm believer that it is not healthy to focus solely on the negatives without attempting to find solutions. Thank you all for continuing to listen!!!

Comments

Endora's picture

Submitted by Endora on Sun, 04/05/2009 - 3:18pm

"you knew what you were getting into....". Yes and no".

A wise stepmom I know said this:

"I hate when people say -you knew that he had kids when you met him!"

She likened it to interviewing for a job-you meet the boss-get a tour of the office-meet the people you will be working with-and you think everything will be ok-normal ups and downs of a new job-

THEN you find out AFTER working there a few months-your boss is a tyrant-the woman in the next cubicle talks incessantly to her boyfriend on the phone-the guy in accounting has taken a complete dislike to you etc.

Yes you know but you don't really know what it is like to live it until you do.

We got surprise custody of SS16-two years ago-I had teenage boys-thought it would be a no brainer-but I NEVER had a 16 year old like this one-I too knew DH had a teen-and I guess I knew in the back of my mind that having said teen full time was a possibility-having him forced on me full time (I love DH-and he comes with a kid forever! If I want to have a life with DH I have to try to respectfully tolerate his teen).

I have much anger and resentment-hearing how free and easy BM has it without this teen hanging around her neck-I have to feed him, put up with his teen years-only to get glowered at if you ask him to do something-

DH thinks it's just peachy-I DON"T -and if I did not have this site there are days I think I would explode!

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

Gestalt's picture

Submitted by Gestalt on Sun, 04/05/2009 - 4:32pm

I am sorry you are feeling so angry, that must be physically and emotionally draining. Some blended families have had success with the "yours, mine, ours" philosophy- that might be worth considering as most of the things you itemized out would be addressed by that.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

Regina's picture

Submitted by Regina on Sun, 04/05/2009 - 9:09pm

I have been angry and feeling resentment as well. Our daughter is 2 so I understand what you are going through there as well. Like you I have sought counseling and support groups to no avail. It's a very difficult family dynamic and it might not ever been rainbows and butterflies, I think that has been my biggest realization.

tryingtofindpeace's picture

Submitted by tryingtofindpeace on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 2:56am

I am a very calm, even tempered, happy go lucky kind of person.
I smile all the time, hug everyone I know, and take pride in being the person I am.
but for some reason the psycho BM and the skids have paralyzed me. I have been wounded so many times that I just recoil when I am around the skids... go into this protective bubble where I shut off all emotion from them and disengage.
It is diametrically opposed to the person that I am, the person that I want to be able to be in MY OWN HOME.
I can't even look my SD12 in the eyes, because I fear the devil will steal my soul.
I never hug them anymore. I try to not even talk to them unless they talk to me first.
It didn't start out this way. I tried hard for years, but things gradually just got worse with them (SS8, SD12), so now in order to protect myself I just shut down.
I feel dead inside when I am around them.
...which is 50% of my life.

honeybeez's picture

Submitted by honeybeez on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 10:27am

way everyone else does. Before I married my DH, I was the one who was loved by all, funny, outgoing, happy and loving life. I to thought we could have been a happy family. Three years into my marriage, I'm angry, resentful, hurt, sad....and all the other feelings that go along with being a stepmom.

I can't stand to look at my SS17 or to even see his picture hanging on the wall.

My husband and I were talking the other day about, forgiveness. He said that I don't forgive like I should. That I needed to step back and look at my faults in this situation.

I don't know how to forgive someone that has had a hand in completely turning me into someone I hate being. My SS17 does not try to change his behavior towards me or this family. Oh well, he has received what he wanted, me not part of his life, and I'm OK with that. Not to much longer before he turns 18.