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Been gone for a while...hit rock bottom, now climbing back slowly

Catlover's picture

Submitted by Catlover on Tue, 03/23/2010 - 1:49pm

Hello all,

I've been off this site for a while. It's been a tough, tough couple of months. So tough that frankly I didn't even have the energy to blog about it. I think I knew that writing about how I was feeling would make me have to confront how unhappy I had become. The skids continue to be at our house 50/50 (every other day), and the schedule has created a drain on me. Having lost (or rather been "awarded" this lovely schedule) in court took the wind out of my sails. The reality of "this is how it is going to be" hit me hard. I think deep down, I thought that eventually it might get better, but losing the placement schedule battle smacked the reality into me.

SS (10) continues to become more and more aggressive. He is defiant, lies, cheats, and will scream at DH and I anytime we don't let him have his way. He is at risk of failing 4th grade, and really appears not to care. His teacher calls DH because she "can't handle his behavior." Dh and I have tried every "technique" in the book. He just simply doesn't care about consequences, because at his mom's he rules the house. I have detached from him out of necessity, but it is tough given DH travels a lot for work; leaving me home to "parent" him alone.

SD (12) and BD (almost 2) are so wonderful; I love them to pieces. DH has slowly grown bitter and angry. I think the "loss" at court also shocked him deeply. Since I've disengaged from the skids (in terms of discipline, picking up after them etc), he's had to step up and parent them. I've noticed his eyes have opened with regards to their behaviors. He now sees the expectations, the entitlement, and materialism. He now sees the irresponsibility (basic stuff like changing underwear/brushing teeth or not cleaning up dirty dishes), and states he's tired of chasing after them for things our 2 year old can do. He sees them bragging about their mom (who doesn't even meet basic obligations) yet ripping him to shreds because he won't buy them a horse or take them on a lavish vacation. In short; he is now living the life that I have lived for 2 years, because I no longer "make everything ok" or bail out the skids.

BM continues to be...well....BM. At least SHE'S consistent! DH and I are in the final process of buying a new house (and moving out of the one he shared with BM YAY). It is a beautiful new place for a fresh start and I am excited. It is also on the way other side of town, where BM has to go out of her way to cruise past. Of course she has already driven over to our new house several times with the skids to check out "houses that are for sale." The skids said the other day that they were going through an open house across the street from our new place. SERIOUSLY>>> She and her hubby also went through our house that is up for sale (per the realtor who knows her.)

Anyway.....I'm back ...and trying to make sense of it all. Hopefully, things will turn a corner soon

Comments

stepmom008's picture

Submitted by stepmom008 on Tue, 03/23/2010 - 2:15pm

I'm so excited you're getting your own house! That must feel like weight off of your shoulders. Hopefully I'll understand that feeling someday Smile

I'm also glad the DH's eyes are opening. That's a hugely important step! The critical thing is to figure out how he's going to handle it.

One question, who in their right mind would do every other day visitation? That seems so disruptive for everyone. I'm sorry you lost the court case, but I'm glad you're back!

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Tue, 03/23/2010 - 6:20pm

Good to see you hon- glad things are looking up!! Smile
_________________________________________________________
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
~Ogden Nash

Milomom's picture

Submitted by Milomom on Tue, 03/23/2010 - 9:30pm

Hi Catlover!! First of all...LOVE your screenname.

Second, CONGRATS on what seems to be a successful disengagement from skids!!! Keep up the good work! It's about time your DH has to deal with his OWN kids!! That's the only way they realize (and appreciate) everything you do for them!! You're certainly on the right course with that, IMO.

I agree with vickmeister above - disengagement saved my sanity AND my relationships with my BF & skids. Hell, it even made dealing with BM easier - lol (in the way that I could care LESS about her parenting skills, or lack thereof).

We have 50/50 custody of BF's kids also (SD15 & SS12), except it's not every other DAY like you have - that seems insane!!! What ever happened to the "best interest of the child" standard? I can't see how every other DAY custody doesn't drive everyone involved totally off the deep end. We have BF's kids 4 days 1 week and then 3 days the next week - and I sometimes think that at their ages, even that's a little wacky. I've been with BF for over 6 yrs now - when skids were SD9 & SS6, I guess our schedule made a little more sense (younger kids needing to be physically with Mommy more often?!?). Who knows, I'm careful what I wish for, because if they were here every other week (1 full week on, 1 full week off), it would probably take the ENTIRE WEEK just to "deprogram" them from the "Disneyland" treatment they get at BM's house. So I count my blessings....

As for buying your own new house - CONGRATS on that, too!! That's such a HUGE step and I'm soooo HAPPY for you! I've lived in BF's house with him for the past 2 yrs of our 6 yr relationship. As in your situation, he lived here with BM when they were together. My BF bought BM out in the divorce. Best thing he ever did!! We love OUR HOME - we've made LOTS of changes & improvements to the point where it is TOTALLY BRAND NEW INSIDE (no "remnants" of BM anywhere). As a matter of fact, SS12 just recently said to us "Wow, our house is so brand new & nice compared to where Mom lives...everything is so neat and clean!".

Considering BF & I both bust our butts, make decent money, do everything to give skids a good & loving home - and we can still have enough pride in our home (not to mention energy) to still put TLC into this house to make it OUR HOME, I'm very proud!! So although it may not work in other situations, we've made it work & are very happy!

Oh, and did I mention that BF pays BM over $1,500/mo. in child support ALONE while still having skids live with us 1/2 the time?!?! What a joke - BM doesn't own her own ANYTHING, purposely underemploys herself (translation: works whenever she feels the urge to, which isn't very often), yet only has to worry about raising her OWN kids 1/2 the time....you'd think she'd be happy and appreciative to be on the "easy street" she's on (more like express train to "Loserville"), but she's miserable, alone and pathetic. Just venting there...

As for your BM actually going "house hunting" in your new neighborhood (and actually looking at YOUR house before you bought it), that just shows EXACTLY how PATHETIC she is. She needs to get a life. Yup, during a rare 6 months or so when our BM actually kept a boyfriend of her own, she went house hunting...and we found out from skids that, what do you know? She looked at a house right around the BLOCK from ours to buy (can you say CREEPY??). I knew it wouldn't work out - she has bad credit, no money saved (she blew through over $70K my BF gave her in the divorce in 1 yr) and is just an overall train wreck. I knew that no matter how cheap that house was, she'd NEVER, EVER be able to get a mortgage herself. But I couldn't believe how she would even THINK to look at houses in our neighborhood (nevermind in her "old" neighborhood). GET A LIFE AND GET YOUR OWN NEW NEIGHBORHOOD!!!

Just wanted to let you know that I'm in a similar situation and that I'm so happy that yours is starting to improve!! Good luck & I hope we've encouraged you to stay on this road - you seem very happy!!! Baby steps, hang in there Catlover!!