OT - Our advice on Marriage and Relationships.
Recently, a member's husband expressed some concern about their "commitment" to online networking and support.
My own husband, looks at my addiction (!) to this site, as somewhat funny. BUT he is very adamant about what he thinks is right and wrong with posting here / blogging here / reading here all the time. He does get concerned with some of the things I tell him. He agrees with a lot, but he gets concerned a lot.
There have been quite a few posts where a member will come on and say something about her husband / relationship. And we as a group are very very quick to hand down some of our own judgment on the situation.
LEAVE
KICK HIS ASS OUT
DON'T TAKE THAT
And all kinds of other advice offered in the true spirit of help, without real knowledge of all sides of the story. Sure, once in a while, the poster may acknowledge the SO's position. But for the most part, we are going based on personal relationships online without a real full story.
So my blog today is to say that I personally have a very hard time jumping on the "Your SO is an as*h*le" Bandwagon. Even sometimes when in my heart I think it may be deserved.... I still refrain. Just stop and think.... If the poster loves the person, that SO MUST have some qualities to be loved.s
I have come to a point where I censor myself sometimes. Not out of not wanting to help. But out of not wanting to put my own shit onto someone else's situation and add fuel to their fire.
Our words can plant hurt and doubt and fear. Our words CAN and DO help save people EVERY DAY. Think about it! How many people come on here and say "I am so glad I found this site!" I am one of them. I am so glad I found everyone here.
But it is just as safe to assume that as much as our words can save a situation, so can our words destroy a situation, a life, a marriage.
It's happened on here.. more than a few times that I have seen in the less than 1 year I have been on this site.
It seems to be in our nature to offer advice about what we would and wouldn't take.... So I don't know. I don't know what the real point of this blog is... other than to open a discussion about the fact that we can really make a situation worse if we don't be careful.
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Comments
There have been days in my
There have been days in my marriage where I've wanted to tell DH to take a hike. Imagine that, as much as I love that damn man I've had it to my eyeballs with him from time to time. And likewise I'm sure. My true friends always know the love I have for him and always encourage me to stay the course, no matter whats going on. They may be mad with me at the time, but they all know the outcome will be the same. Me beating some sense into him! LOL!
I think my main point is that you are right. I agree with you. Leave, stop working on your marriage, etc is not sound advice, and why would you say that to someone that you love? I wouldn't and I know you wouldn't.
I love my girl Barbie, I will never tell her to leave cause I know she loves her man. And though he may be a ass sometimes (this is how I know him and Juice will looooove each other) he is still her man and always will be. BUT, and here's the but, alot of people don't know each other here like we........some of us......know one another. They may just put themselves in the spot of "well hell, I'd never put up with that" and roll off the advice. KWIM?
Anways, you always make everyone see the other side so I'm just trying to return the favor.
I don't know why I always take the opposing view from you. We are so much alike it's sick. But somehow I always have something to say to you, just to try to challenge you to see further than what you already have.
Does that make me friend for life, or a not so much friend?
"If you don’t adapt and look within yourself, you’ll just keep wading in that stagnant poisonous pool of stepparent hell." author: BitchBitchBarbie
This is funny to me SMJ!
This is funny to me SMJ! There are A TON of women on here that I respect and hold dear that I have an opposing opinion from a great deal of the time!!! I don't necessarily think I'm right. I just know that my opinion is not the same as theirs. So, it's not just you!! I very often wonder what the hell is wrong with me!! ha!!![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
In my thoughts, it makes us all more truer friends - in my definition of the word, rather than not so much of friends. We don't have to agree to respect each other's opinion. And challenging each other to find our own real truth, is to me, what it's all really about.
I don't even believe that to say "leave" "stop working" isn't necessarily not sound advice. I'm just so leery of it when I see it. Honestly, if someone were to take that advice from this site and run with it... Well, then I guess they were just looking for back up more than we know.
I just wanted to throw it out there because it scares me personally sometimes to think that what we say on this site can truly affect how a woman or man perceives their partner and their partner's actions. I create these dumb little scenarios in my mind sometimes where someone takes our words .... thinks to themself "YEAH... I'm RIGHT and they're WRONG!!" and slams the computer shut and goes and picks a fight with their SO!!! Aren't I melodramatic?????
ha!! It was just something that I have heard and read a lot of recently....![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Jen I think I get what
Jen I think I get what you're saying..... and I think it's just WAY too easy to quickly jump in with a 'Don't you dare take that' because we're basically anonymous here. It's just easy to identify with someone here and be bold. I have a girlfriend and I HATE her husband. I mean I really can't stand him. I think he's an ass to her and I listen to her talk about him and my mind is screaming oh my God! Why don't you get RID of his ass!?!?! But my I keep my wits about me to console her instead, because I know her so well, she WON'T get rid of him, so saying that would only hurt her.
So I guess I'm saying it's just easier to hurt someone on here, because like you all are saying, we DON'T know the backstory...we can't witness any interactions, so we read something and can't help but jump in with the 'throw him out' line.
JMO of course!![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
I agree, except in the
I agree, except in the instance of abuse. I was abused, and it doesn't just go away. I WILL, sight unseen, recommend leaving if someone is being abused. Been there, done that.
I here you, Stick--however I
I here you, Stick--however I am with devilwoman. When a mate swears at and calls their partner names on a regular basis, as well as appears to be demeaning her, my first-hand knowledge of verbal abuse kicks in. Same with threats of, or actual violence, I usually recommend further reading and investigation--not immediate divorce. If it really is abuse, the person needs to make that determination and act on it when they are ready. However, the validation that yes, what is happening is wrong is key. Many abused women are very isolated and get confused about what is actually happening with emotional/verbal abuse. Having someone say, that is wrong can be very empowering. The internet was all I had when I went through my divorce and was seeking understanding and trying to clarify my mind.
Great Post Stick. I can't
Great Post Stick.
I can't say how many times I have posted on here, with my absolute sureness that I know the situation and I have the perfect advice, and then to find out I am way off base and needed to be corrected.
Or even the other way around. Dozens of you "she devils" (heh heh excuse the nick name) attacking someone and my little comment has the ability to break through with the person who wrote the post and really help them.
It is a hard way to support each other. To filter through the advice.
One thing I wanted to point out Stick. (Sorry to take this off topic.)
I noticed you always said "WE" when you pointed out what lots of people do on here.
This is something I struggle with. In terms of communicating with my wife. I could never write a post like this intending on showing everyone they are accepted and yet at the same time get everyone to ponder the thought of what they are, or may be doing hastily.
This is the type of communication I wish I could do.
I think it would save a whole bunch of non intended hurt in my relationship.
I dont tell people to
I dont tell people to leave...unless they express being physically abused...then I'll not hesitate to say, "get the hell out of there."
Of course there are the people who seem to be a HUGE part of their own problem and don’t want to be honest in their own mind and they don’t want to look within to change themselves before expecting others to change. That’s a big thing with me now; you can’t wait around expecting others to change if you can’t even adjust one or two little things about yourself to make your situation brighter. When people just refuse to see they could be doing things differently my default answer is, “well if you can’t look inside yourself and change what you are doing, don’t expect anyone else in your situation to change what they’re doing. Therefore, you need to move on to a situation you are better equipped to handle.”
I get tired of people who refuse to attempt trying to understand where the behavior is coming from and why it is happening…they just want to complain about it and get a “Yeah girl…your skid sucks!”
I was one of the people who just sat and complained ALL THE TIME about things but never figured what MY role in it was. I’m working on that now bc I got tired of seeing myself complain with NO improvement. You have to force yourself to make progress or you’ll always be stuck complaining about every little single thing your skid does that upsets you. You won’t get anywhere with it. You can get validation, which feels really good but don’t look for validation ALL the time…look for answers. I love being validated by the people here…it’s like a warm blanky telling me I’m not crazy. But it becomes an addiction of sorts…constant validation holds you back from seeking answers to your problems. When you stop seeking solutions and answers then your situation will explode into one big cluster fuck with you at the center pouting about it all. Trust me. I have been there.
Sorry to hijack your blog a bit stick...I'm in some kinda mood today.
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland
Ya know what? I am changing
Ya know what? I am changing your name.
Bright Bright Barbie.
Your right and I am going to take your advice.
Today is my Holiday off for New Years.
And my only agenda was to get a few things done like grocery shopping.
But I will add to my list. To go look for a book that can show me other ways of speaking.
I have bitched about this the last few of my posts and just realized. WTF am I doing about it? Thank you BBB.
lol, thanks Jon...you're
lol, thanks Jon...you're funny
Communicating is the hardest most important thing we'll do in our marriages...I hate communicating. I'd rather just grunt my responses and move on
but...that never works. Good luck on your book search...please keep using us for support though when you feel you need an arrow in a different direction.
See? i LOVE when people try to change things they find less than great about themselves...self improvement is wonderful and HARD and a big pain in the ass. But the outcome is fabulous.
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland