Have you ever become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's Box of all the hateful things, your spite, your arrogance, your condescending side has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away, you nail them to the wall with words. "Hello it's my nasty side". Wouldn't it be great if you could pass all your not so nice words to someone that can't do what you can do with words, then you could always be nice and they could be nasty whenever they wanted to be? Although I must warn you... when you eventually have the pleasure of saying the things you want to say at the moment you're wanting to say them... remorse eventually follows…well that's what they say is supposed to happen.

So I have been known to have a wicked tongue, I say what other people only think, can be brutally honest and a not so nice person at times…I know, me a not so nice person come on now…lol…but yes I must say it's true. Those that know me know it to be a little beyond true. I have hurt many through the years and don’t have an explanation for the behavior. Other than I do not tolerate much. I am not a person that is compassionate to many; I am not in need of copious amounts of emotion. I guess I just want what belongs in my life and if it doesn't fit into my “oh so perfect little world” I turn into what seems to be a large cat protecting her den and all that live in it. My claws come out and "instant removal” is all my instincts tell me to do, but at what cost??

Trying to control those instincts, those wild cat like instincts has been more difficult lately than others. I feel levels of anger now, not just “yea, I’m mad” or even the more extreme “I’m pissed!” No this is true unadulterated RAGE! Never in my life have I ever felt something so intense, till now. I have been in this mode for weeks now ready to pounce at any time, ready to fight to the death if need be to protect what harmony my life does have. I am trying to learn to cope. Maybe trying to figure out a way to know its coming; I know the cause, but have yet to find the solution. I try steps of control, and now try anything that might work walks, music, and drawings. Right now I will try anything to slow my mind down for a much needed 5 minutes of calm.

So I remember to breath, than I simply try to breathe, when that no longer works I turn for my outlets. I turn on the soft music that soothes the ear; raise my glass of pale pink wine and then turn to the blank paper that is now begging my mind to slow down enough to put something on it. Instantly I find my place of calm. As soon as the lead touches the paper beautiful strokes appear and begin a new vision my mind has created making it more real than it was when I closed my eyes.

I yearn for the calmness to not only return, but stay. I need the simple laughter, the times of silly sighs and him running upstairs to say "what's wrong" only to get a giggle out of me because he actually did come see what I wanted. Peace is soon to return, all will be well in my perfect little world once more and there will be no need for soft music, blank paper and number 2 pencils.

Counting down the days…….