Stepdaughter catching onto DH's anger issues
My stepdaughter (11) and I have a solid relationship. Her father and I are not yet married, and I'm not living with them yet, but we've been together for over 3 years. Her father has anger issues that he's struggled with his whole life. She and I are very close - he doesn't talk about a lot of emotional things with her (doesn't have too much patience for it), so I've always been someone for her to talk to. I've come into some tricky territory in things she tells me. I try to talk to her about ways to manage his temper - go to your room, put on music, write, play music, do something creative to take your mind off things. Sometimes I encourage her to talk to her father about her feelings when he's calm.
Tonight was the night before first day of school and she's been very disorganized all day. She isn't the most go-getter little girl, has been babied a lot and is moving very slow with being independent and learning new responsibilities. My boyfriend has little patience sometimes for dealing with a little girl. He is essentially a single dad - works full time, pays for everything, takes her to her afterschool classes everynight and weekend.
The whole day has been a nightmare - I've been trying to keep things calm. Before bed, he saw that she had left an expensive watch and tablet out and yelled at her, screamed and slammed her door without saying good night. She screamed at him that she wanted to go live with her mom - huge, she hs never said this before and it's because of his temper. He plans to not let her wear her new boots she got for the first day of school and take away a lot. I feel so awful and I'm heartbroken to have left her crying to bed before a big day. I just really feel it's over the top and not the time. I want her to have a good year at school and to be happy on the first day. I feel bad, too, because I encouraged her to talk about her feelings when he's calm and she did (but not when he was calm) and it turned out awful for her.
I want him to see what his temper is doing to those around him. He needs so much help and he's going to lose his daughter. I am hoping this will open his eyes that he needs help. I'm not sure how to handle supporting the little girl without turning my back on my boyfriend. I don't want to say anything bad about him but when I'm talking to her about her feelings, I don't make excuses for his behaviour and I tell her it's wrong (breaking things, yelling, etc).
I'm not too sure what to do here - I wanted to warn my bf of the feelings she was having, that he needs help because it's affecting not only me. I want to support him in how he is - I realize he isn't going to change overnight or drastically but I really love him more than words can say - but I also want to help raise a little girl that is taught that handling things like that isn't okay. I don't want her to turn out troubled and depressed. I just want everything to be happy.
I don't feel right stopping conversations about his temper with her because she needs someone to talk to and it helps to calm her down. But I also don't want to go behind my boyfriend's back and betray him and talk... "badly" about him. Our relationship is the most important but sometimes my stepdaughter's is more important because she's a child and doesn't have as much of a voice . I have a maternal instinct to protect her - I know I'm not the mother.
I wish he would figure out how to discipline without yelling but maybe I just don't understand what it's like to be a parent at all.
Any insight appreciated. I try to stay out of this and act as an ear to both of them but it's getting tricky without feeling like I'm going behind their backs. I feel like there are some situations where I would stand up for her over him. Is that wrong? I'm pretty confused.
I'm so sorry, I'm not sure
I'm so sorry, I'm not sure what I did there but posted a few times.
That's okay your just
That's okay your just learning how to use the thing
What I understand is this: this man who is fully grown became extremely aggressive and near on violent with an 11 year old who left a watch on the counter. This is a man you want to spend your life with? This is a man you want to raise children with ?
He then punished the child for speaking up to him by taking away her new boots and a lot of her other stuff. You think this is appropriate? That this a man you should marry ?
You spent the day walking on egg shells trying to keep things calm - you think this is an acceptable way for you or that 11 year old child to live???
This man is a bully with an aggressive streak which he has just shown you. Do you want to spend your life cowering and walking on egg shells? Is that what you want for this child or your future children
There are too many red flags here. You should have taken that child out of the house when he started to verbal abuse her and slam doors and taken her to the police or her mom and then you should have been done with this man. Eventually he is going to stop slamming dooors and start slamming you. Wake the he11 up and see Hil for what he actually is
All of the above- I was
All of the above- I was married to a man like this- he didn't change. I wish someone had told me to get the f**k out of there before twenty years of trying to be a good wife had elapsed.
I'm telling you to get the f**k out of there before another day has gone by- you are not responsible for 'calming' this man down, or his daughter. Set yourself free.
My advice would be for YOU to
My advice would be for YOU to show him how much of a jerk he is being. Show him your disgust everything he treats his DD terribly.
Why do you stay with this man? He sounds truly awful.
Red Flag: You're coming into
Red Flag: You're coming into a situation that you automatically want to fix.
"I try to talk to her about ways to manage his temper"
A child should not have to "manage" their parents behavior. It sucks that your man is immature and can't control himself. Your soon to be step daughter will likely end up going to live w/her mother full time rather than be emotionally abused by her father.
Your love won't be able to change or fix this man and his relationship w/his child. You sound well meaning but this is far beyond your pay grade.
You can't fix his anger.
You can't fix his anger. Either he will acknowledge that he needs help addressing his issues, or his anger will escalate and he will alienate his daughter, or she will believe she deserves his anger, or she will meet his anger with her own.
This is not healthy for anyone. He needs help; his daughter needs help. And you can't be the one to help.
I am sorry for this girl. My own DD grew up with an angry father, and there were times she was sure she was not lovable. It broke my heart. Fortunately, she has been able to work through all that and she is a happy and healthy productive adult.
"I wish he would figure out
"I wish he would figure out how to discipline without yelling but maybe I just don't understand what it's like to be a parent at all. "
While I am sure all parents have had "breaking point" moments with their kids... most don't go into rages.
I am not sure why you would really want to be with a man with anger issues. Teaching a kid to cope when her dad becomes a raging maniac? That's honestly very sad both for you and for that little girl. She is 11 for craps sake.. she is going to be forgetful, she is going to do things that her parents don't like. She needs to learn how to express frustration and anger in healthy way. If her father isn't actively pursuing counseling... to deal with his inappropriate anger actions.. then I would not want to be with him period. Oh.. and if that counseling is court ordered and not of his own volition..it doesn't count.
My father had a temper a bit like that. Walking on eggshells... having to keep secrets to avoid blowups that pull everyone into the cyclone? NO THANKS.. I got that Tshirt as a child. Miserable way to grow up. Oh.. and my DH doesn't fully understand why I am not all about visiting my dad all the time. He has definitely mellowed in his old age.. but a part of you never forgets his rage.
Lots of people live without
Lots of people live without worrying about the emotions of those around them. Because lots of people are able to express themselves in ways that don't frighten others, even when their emotions are strong.
I'm sorry your BF isn't able to control himself. But I'm more sorry that he found you. How dare you teach a little girl that SHE is responsible for how someone else acts? How dare you counsel her on ways to be a good little victim?
You should be teaching her that being yelled at, doors slamming, harsh punishments and over-the-top anger is not an acceptable way to communicate. If YOU don't know that, then YOU need help too.
Get help. Get out. And tell that little girl that she is wonderful and did NOTHING to cause her dad to act like this, tell her to get out the minute she can, and when she has the funds, to get some help for herself.