Here's my take:

I don't think it was totally bad advice. Certainly, Carolyn Hax was right to tell the Mom that the most important thing is to keep the kids' best interests at heart in this. And I agree with others, that if what the Mom says is true, then it's a little troubling that the exH has proposed to this woman 3 months after meeting her -- that's a little fast in ANY world, but especially in a situation where there are young kids involved who need some time to adjust to the new girlfriend and the idea of their dad marrying again.

But what I didn't like was that I feel like Carolyn didn't pick up enough on a very strong jealousy/judgment vibe there on the part of the BM. Yes, she did mention to the BM that she should own up to her feelings of jealousy. However, there are lots of little "red flag" indicators that this woman is more invested in her exH's life than she should be:

"Three months ago, my ex met a woman through an online dating site. Since then, I realized after much deliberation that I wanted to give our relationship another try". She herself says that it was only AFTER seeing her ex move on that she wanted him back.

Then she says " I steeled myself and told my ex. About a week later, my ex asked this girlfriend of three months to marry him." Interestingly, she leaves out a couple of details: what her ex SAID when she told him she wanted to get back together. I think that's fascinating, and very significant: it's like the ex's feelings about whether they should get back together are not really important -- what's important is that the BM wants to get back together. (Presumably, he said NO.) And then the next sentence is, "About a week later, my ex asked THIS girlfriend OF THREE MONTHS to marry him." The choice of the word "this" instead of "his" is significant -- it's very condescending. And then needing to repeat "of three months" is clearly meant to discount the significance of the girlfriend. All in all, the tone here suggests that the woman told her ex she wanted him back, and that THAT ALONE should have been enough, but he went against her and proposed to "this" other woman. Like he's cheating on her. Hello: you're divorced. It's over.

"I am unsure exactly what is at work here, other than feeling he's more "in love with love" than with her particularly." There's no reason for her to say this other than that she's jealous and WANTS her ex not to be in love with this other woman. There's also no reason for her to say "She's fourteen years his junior" other than that she's insecure but wants to make it sound like this woman is not a legitimate "rival" for her. (And again, like calling her "this"girlfriend, it's another way to make the woman sound like just a shiny object -- a young bimbo -- than a real person that her ex might genuinely have feelings for.)

I do see that the fact the girlfriend is still married is a big red flag, and I don't blame the BM for being bothered by that as a mother. (I think there are some legitimate reasons that isn't exactly a stellar person for the exH to be involved with when there are kids around -- mostly for the stability angle.) However, her reaction is "I think this sends them a terrible message about what a serious venture marriage is." Okay, but honey: so does DIVORCE. Seriously, pot calling the kettle black.

Anyway, all in all, I really wish that Carolyn had pointed some of this stuff out. Because her message to this woman was, and I quote, "you talk to your husband -- only to caution about the message his haste might be sending." Notice, by the way, that she said HUSBAND, not EX-HUSBAND. She's talking to this person as if they are in some way still married. And although she is saying that the BM has the right to talk to him, I don't think she said NEARLY strongly enough:

"Talk to him if you must, but please, reread your own letter and see all these things in it that indicate the main reason you're upset is that your ex has found someone else. ONLY talk to him IF and WHEN you can TRULY do it ONLY for the children's sake. Because from what I hear in your letter, you're not nearly emotionally detached enough to do that yet."

What do you guys think?

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved