I'm not suggesting you do this for your situation because you might get a different result, but what has helped me in past situations that I don't agree with is to, agree. Ok, yes, that sounds silly but hear me out....

When I bitched at BF about handling things the way he felt was appropriate, it left him on the defensive, it backed him into a corner of defending his actions, therefor looking as if he was defending BM. I came off as being an unreasonable butt, and he and BM came off as the victims. One day I decided that I wasn't going to waste my energy battling a fight that I wasn't going to win anyhow, so what's that old saying..."If you can't beat em', join em'"?
Well it worked. When I was indifferent or in agreement with the situation at hand, he was able to see for himself the big picture. When BF had me nagging down his back, all he could see was me nagging, when I stopped, who was left for him to see as the attacker?.......BM.

The money is a different situation as it affects more than just the emotional aspect of things, the only resolution I can come up with this is to have seperate accounts and split the household bills accordingly.

I know the feeling of feeling less important, but you ARE important honey, VERY IMPORTANT......know it and own it! (((Hugs))))

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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

Do you pay the bills in the house? If you, do, you need to hand it over to him. Sometimes men just don't get it.

If he's doing it, and still doesn't care that you struggle to make ends meet, so that he can give it all away to her, then it's a tough position to be in. What I did was everytime DH would spend extra money on his kid, I would take the same amount out of our joint account to spend on OUR son. It did make it more difficult to make ends meet, but he eventually understood that if he didn't want the stress of trying to figure out how to make ends meet, he had to stop. He eventually stopped.

I don't know that is wrong with in-laws...my crazy in-laws used to do the same thing...that is until I made my DH call his mother and tell her everything...and then I called her and told her everything...I told her I would be more than happy to send her the proof if she didn't believe me. She now wants nothing to do with the witch. She even fired the witch's mother, who used to clean her house, because she realized the witch's mother was also there to snoop, etc...

I am so sorry you are going through this...I think many of us have, and sometimes it changes and sometimes it doesn't. I thank God our situation has changed because I think I would be out if it hadn't...but it took over 8yrs for it to change...sigh...

You mention that in the past your DH had no access, and so this is probably why they're bending over backwards for BM - she is the gatekeeper to the kids. If he currently has access he's probably terrified that by reducing he CS to the proper level she'll get angry and take the access away again, or she may have even threatened this.

However, if your'e struggling financially, especially with a baby of your own then the finances do need to get sorted out properly. As herewegoagain says, perhaps hand everything over to him and let him figure out the finances - it sounds like he won't listen to you about this, so he needs to spend the time worrying about how to pay the bills.

Yes, hand over the household finances to DH. Explain to him that not only does your family need to be able to get by month to month, but you also have a child together. This child will someday need a college education. Have him figure out how he is going to save extra for that. How is the condition of your vehicles? If not good, tell him that you'll be needing a different car in a year (or whatever). How does he plan to save up for that? I guess what I'm saying is have him handle the finances, and force him to look to the future as well. Retirement, college funds, everyday things that will be needed in the future need to be saved for now... Good luck to you. Personally, I think I would have rapped him over the head with the BM's house plans. Geesh!!

Hugs, you are not an asshole, you are very important!

Our BM threatened to take DH back to court, but finally came to an agreement about increased C/S that is somewhat fair (no one really knows how much $ she makes under the table). This was really so she can get government housing since she claims to be a single mom, not working.

We're living with in-laws with baby on the way.

MIL told DH to give her all the furniture we have in the garage, and he has to be the main man to help her move stuff from her old place to new place. MIL was talking to me and calling her "his wife" and seems to think they should not have split up "for the sake of the children" because they are the ones suffering from this downward slide in terms of living standards on both DH's and BM's side.

I cried enough over the weekend and even seriously damaged my hand by accident doing something in anger. The comfort and reassurance I was looking for is now gone, and DH has withdrawn from me and is showering all the love on his kids and being really nice to BM and I feel like shit.

But DH did say that his biggest frustration right now is about providing for this family, I know he feels terrible about it and just doesn't know what to do. So I know I'm important even though outwardly it's not showing because I guess just looking at me just makes him feel bad.

I'm SURE you're important. I'm SURE your DH feels terrible for his lack of providing for current family to some extent. Cry if you need to but try to take care of yourself. Do let him solve the financial stuff and try to be supportive in this financial situation.

Don't let yourself sink like I did. Remember (as my dear mum had to tell me as she was about to get on a plane to come and look after me), that there are so many other people you are important too.

The biggest issue you have is that DH doesn't respect you enough to be your partner. He is doing things behind your back and that isn't cool. You need to partner in everything you do, especially when it comes to the household finances. I think there is more to this though. Why doesn't he have any access? Doesn't he want access? Why is his ex able to be the gatekeeper? Our BM tried and we fought her in court. The law will usually protect the access of both parents. However, I've heard that there are still some states that don't recognize a father's right and still assume that the mother is the primary caregiver. That's super antiquated and if you live in one of those states then I'm sorry.