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Overreacting?

luckykell's picture

Submitted by luckykell on Tue, 11/03/2009 - 5:31pm

I feel like I need to "check" myself with you all. So Fiance and I are getting married Jan. 2011, been engaged 2 months, been together for over a year. DF and BM have been divorced 3 years. Scooty (SD5) started humming "here comes the bride"...silly me I was thinking she may be humming it for me (she loves that me and her daddy are getting married, she talks about it all the time). She said "no, mommy said thats what they played when she and my daddy got married, and she wore a white dress". Then she turns to DF and says "remember that book of pictures, with the white dress, mommy showed it to me last week." Obviously I'm aware he was married before me, but it does sting when someone brings up their marriage/wedding. DF saw that I was kinda upset and asked Scooty "you know me and your mama aren't married anymore, right?" Scooty looked at him like the world just ended. I understand a mother wanting to share old wedding pictures with her daughter, but wouldn't it have been more appropriate to wait until she was old enough to understand that it was the past, they aren't married anymore, and it's not "nice" to talk about it? Am I overreacting. I didn't let Scooty know it upset me, but I did let DF know that it did and while he could kind of see my point he still thought I was overreacting.

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 11/03/2009 - 5:44pm

I agree that it was insensitive and tactless of BM to do that. I think you both handled it just fine. Given that Scooty is 5 I can safely say that she didn't bring it up intentionally to hurt you. I can definitely understand why it would sting, though. I think that DF needs to talk to BM and they need to try to work out an age where they can both talk to Scooty about their previously being married, the divorce, why they got divorced, and that the fact that DH (and maybe BM by that point) got remarried to other people and have kids with their new spouses doesn't mean that she (Scooty) is loved any less, and that they love Scooty just as much as they love their other kids. I think that a great thing to do would be to find a way to include Scooty in the wedding. Maybe you two could spend some special 1-on-1 girl time together, you could get her a personal favor that you don't get for anyone else in the wedding party, you could both include her in the ceremony vows by saying, "Scooty, I am so blessed to have you in my life. You have my life so much happier, and I am a better man/woman for being your dad/stepmom. I promise that I will always love you unconditionally, support you, give you the best guidance I can give, and will always be here for you and love you more than you can ever comprehend."

I also think that after the wedding (and after you have other kids if you decide to) you should not only do stuff as a family, but each continue to carve out 1-on-1 time with Scooty. She sounds like such a sweetie pie and I think it will really ease the transition process for her.

As for BM, obviously you can't control her behavior, but just keep on being the awesome SM that you are to Scooty. Kids need all the love they can get. I'd recommend letting DH handle BM as it will help keep you sane.

luckykell's picture

Submitted by luckykell on Tue, 11/03/2009 - 5:51pm

Aw, I love the little "vow" to Scooty! Thanks for the advice! Smile

"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."

Frustrated_in_Missouri's picture

Submitted by Frustrated_in_M... on Tue, 11/03/2009 - 5:49pm

I don't think you're overreacting... BM is trying to steal your thunder it seems.

BMJen's picture

Submitted by BMJen on Tue, 11/03/2009 - 8:12pm

I agree. She is trying to steal your thunder. The BM we deal with got down the record player a few months ago and played "their" song to SD 15, she sat up all night long crying about it (BM that is) and SD said she was sad about it. She asked DH if he remembered his and mommies song? Makes me want to puke. I don't understand why the BM's insist on using their kids as pawns simpily to get under our skin. Hello bitches, all that does is make us resent you that much more. DUH..........

buttercup123's picture

Submitted by buttercup123 on Tue, 11/03/2009 - 11:32pm

That was super insensitive to Scooty!!! What in the hell was BM thinking? Why look at your old wedding pics? That is super upsetting to a child. BM is jealous of your engagement, and hates that she failed in her marriage. I'd be sad for her. She's a pathetic woman and disregards her childs feelings. You have every right to be mad.

Pantera's picture

Submitted by Pantera on Wed, 11/04/2009 - 9:08am

You are not overreacting. This is the kind of crap that feeds into all divorced children's fantasy of mom and dad getting back together. My ss seemed really happy about me marrying his Dad until it actually happened. BM didn't help things much by running her mouth to ss and she still continues to call my DH her husband. DH needs to to let your stepdaughter know that its over and that they aren't married anymore and that he loves you. Yes, it seems harsh but thats what my parents did to me and I didn't have any divorce hang ups. My ss on the other hand still has that fantasy after 6 years and it has caused issues with me and him because he tries to drive a wedge in between his Dad and I so his parents can get back together. Your DH doesn't need to tell her why they got divorced, just that they are and they will never get back together.