i love sd but feel i have no option but to disengage...help!!
i love my sd5 as if she were my own. she loves me as well and she's a total joy to have around. even though i'm usually ready for her to go home by the end of her visit, i often find myself missing her between visits and thinking how much i'd love for her to be with us when we're doing something i know she'd enjoy. my fh has told me on many occasions that he wishes i was her mother and i wish the same thing.
however i find myself considering disengaging because bm and i are no longer getting along like we used to due to me telling her off about encouraging sd to call her new stepdad (which sd met for the first time literally MONTHS before he became her stepdad) daddy when my fh is actively involved.
since that happened bm has told me anything and everything to do with sd is between HER and my FH only and that i should stay out of it, and that she doesn't even want to HEAR from me regarding sd no matter what. my fh and i saw bm and sd in walmart one day and went up to say hi to sd and to give her a kiss and hug and bm told us she had pharyngitis and strep throat and i, feeling bad and worried about sd, texted bm to ask how she was after her dr appointment and the response i got was "if fh wants to know how she is he has my number." my FH wasn't even home at the time!!! i was concerned about the girl because i love her and it wouldn't have killed bm to just let me know how sd was doing!
even though i love this little girl and treat her as if i'd given birth to her myself when she's with us, and actually take care of her MORE than my fh, bm wants me to have nothing to do with her. and as far as she's concerned, she doesn't need any help from me with sd. even though she knows my bf isn't even responsible enought to give sd her medicine, bathe her, or make sure she brushes her teeth. that was all me up to this point. but since my bf has done nothing to back me up against bm on this and i feel no support from him at all about it, i feel like i shouldn't help. it's not being appreciated and i'm catching hell from bm just for asking how she's feeling when she's sick.
i want to disengage because of the way bm is acting towards me when *I* am the one who ensures her daughter is clean, fed, and has her precious medicine every night. and also because my fh lets bm walk all over him on things like this and can't even have the balls to tell her how much of a help i am and how much sd DOES need me. i'm met with nothing but opposition from bm and my fh doesn't do a thing about it. he still has never said anything to her about the whole calling stepdad daddy thing even though all this is happening now because i stuck my neck out for him then and spoke up and said it wasn't right. bm got very nasty with me then and he never said anything about her disrespect toward me either.
i'm at my wits end with this and i feel like why should i put forth the effort for this child when neither of her parents seem to want me to? but when i start to disengage and not give sd the medicine or make her brush her teeth so that fh can be the one to catch hell when she goes home, i start feeling guilty because i really do love this girl and i WANT to do for her.
any advice on this situation? i know this is long and i'm sorry. i just don't know what to do that is right for sd but i need to be true to myself as well and i'm not being treated right and i'm not getting respect or appreciation for what i do.
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Your FH is lucky to have you
Your FH is lucky to have you and so is his daughter. Don't get discouraged. You know what's right. That child needs you. Have a chat with your FH and tell him that he needs to respect what you do for him and that girl. You deserve more, so demand it. Otherwise, you will set a precedent where he thinks he can take you for granted.
Document all the BM's lack of care towards the daughter. You may need the info one day so you and your FH can get full custody.
I would not have your FH get
I would not have your FH get in her face about all of this too much (or have a bunch of written stuff go back and forth about it) because if it goes to court and it is found he will not take care of his daughter if you don't step up and do it it could jepardize his visitation and judges usually say if there are problems with sparents in the mix the communication does need to be between bd/bm. I am just saying this because I don't want it to come back bad to you. I think with you telling her off about the sd opened the door to this. It does sound like you really love the little girl and I don't think you need to disengage from loving and enjoying her. I do think this will turn out better for you if you disengage from the bm and just focus on your FH, sd and you. The great relationship you have with her when she is with you guys is not bm's business, she can't control that, but she doesn't have to be involved with you directly if she doesn't want to and it will just inflame everything to force it.
i agree that communication
i agree that communication regarding sd should be, for the majority, between fh and bm. but i wasn't texting her to arrange a visitation or to request extra time or anything to do with the court order/visitation schedule at all...i was genuinely concerned about sd's illness and care for her and simply wanted to know what the doctor said and how my sweet little girl was doing. she didn't have to get rude back with me and make me feel as if i have no place in the life of her daughter. that's not fair because i have a big part in sd's life and it hurts to be told i'm nothing.
i know LEGALLY i am nothing, but i feel that bm knows how much i do for sd (we used to have a pretty good relationship and were on speaking terms and she would thank me repeatedly and say she didn't know what she'd do without me and so on...) so she should appreciate me loving her girl and treating her as i would my own child, because not all women my fh could have ended up with would do the same.
i hadn't really thought about not throwing it in bm's face how much i do because it would come back looking bad for my fh in court. that's a good point. i know i'm never going to get the respect i deserve from bm, but her behavior and my fh's apathy makes it really hard to say "you don't want my help and don't appreciate anything i do, but i'm gonna keep on trucking and do it all anyway."
by the way, i realized going off on her was a mistake. i actually have a post about that whole situation somewhere on here...it's titled 'this crazy bitch called the cops on me!' it was my fh's place to deal with that and if he wouldn't (which he hasn't) HE can be the one to deal with his hurt feelings over hearing his daughter call another man daddy.
i have disengaged from bm and no longer have any contact with her, but her comments still get back to me and it all makes me wonder what the point is. i love sd very much but she is NOT mine and i can't force bm or fh to let me have that relationship with her if they won't let me. bm does everything in her power to prevent it, and my fh does absolutely nothing to facilitate it.
You genuinely do sound like
You genuinely do sound like you care for this child and that is nothing but good for both of you. You're right, as you described, looking for any validation from bm for all you do now that things have gone bad is probably going to just be beating you head against the wall. As far as your FH, if you guys are not on the same page with things regarding his daughter, as you have read on here, you are in for a whole pot of pain and may want to reconsider making him your FH if you can't get it figured out between the two of you. I think it is really big of you to admit you made a mistake going off on her and she just might not be willing to let that go. And there isn't much you can do about that. I'm going to go read your she called the cops on me blog. Good luck, you really do seem like you have a good heart.
thanks so much...it makes me
thanks so much...it makes me feel a lot better that at least people on here can recognize the good a step parent can add to a child's life even if the bio parent can't accept it. i'll find you a link to my blog...it was a while back. but that was the root of this problem, so i guess it does apply. i'll talk to my fh, but i know he's going to chalk all this up to my ongoing issues with bm and just try to reassure me she doesn't matter. i'm going to try to make him understand that it's mainly a problem with HIM this time and if it doesn't work i will disengage further than i already have and he's going to have a mess on his hands.
here's that
here's that link:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/16957
thanks for the link, i read
thanks for the link, i read it and responded there
The BM is a crotch, but
The BM is a crotch, but please don't hold back and withdraw yourself from this preciouslittle girl. She will notice your change in attitude towards her and she will feel she did something wrong. Children take things very personal and have the habit of blaming themselves for things their parents are mad or upset about. This is about your SD not the BM. Let her throw her childish tantrums and fits, everyone can see how immature this BM is. You be the awesome SM that you are and beleive me, that little girl will grow up to be an adult one day and she will hold you very near and dear to her heart.
Purpleflower
Please don't disengage from
Please don't disengage from SD. I think the person you really need to disengage from is BM. It sounds like you and SD both adore each other. I think she really needs you in her life. I agree with you in that you realize FH and BM need to do the communicating. Hopefully, this can help things calm down some.
you're right, how can i just
you're right, how can i just step aside and let what bm is trying to do here work? you guys have made me realize that while bm does have a lot of influence over sd's feelings and perceptions now, sd can see that i love her too and as she grows up she will see that i have been there for her no matter what bullshit her mom has thrown at me. i always say this to comfort my bf when bm tries to make him out to be satan to sd. 'one day she will be old enough to see for herself.' but it never really occurred to me that this rule applies to me too.
i really have no problem disengaging from bm. ever since the fight about sd calling stepdad daddy happened, i've pretty much had a 'f**k that bitch' attitude and i have no desire to have anything more to do with her. the hard part about it is it's easier said than done. as long as i'm in love with my boyfriend, the wrong she does to him is always going to piss me off and me being my emotional self is always going to make the mistake of trying to stand up for him. he actually just got served with some papers yesterday that are probably going to escalate everything even further, but that's a whole other blog that i will be posting shortly.
i just wish there was some magical way of "dealing" with bm without having to deal with her. lol.