I was just thinking today about how much all the drama with my skids has hurt me in the long run. I give blood when I'm eligible and this last time, I was ineligible due to my heart rate. So I went to the doctor, because my heart rate is never high. My heart was racing. The doctor told me no more soda or caffeine, water only, and that I had to lose weight (this I already knew and I now have a plan in place to lose weight, hello vegetarianism). He also put me on propranlol, which I have to take twice a day or my heart rate spikes. This same medicine is also used to calm anxiety. Where was this when I started dating exSO?

I have also started another job working as a cashier at Walmart. I'm back to taking care of number 1...myself. Many of you call my story fishy, I sometimes wish I could say it was, but it's not. It's all completely true and completely sad.

My exSO now has physical custody of SS2. For most of the last month, he's had SS 10mos. SS2 has been thriving since my exSO has gotten him. We've almost mastered the potty and have broken a lot of bad habits that BM encouraged (saying bad words and the such). But when the BM calls, she hardly even asks about SS2 (and lately SS 10mos). All she wants to talk about is about whatever new man she has, whatever new life she's thinking that she's creating, and about how hard her life is. I just wanna scream at her that our lives are hard too. I still try to help exSO with the kids (for the kids' sake) whenever I can. ExSO finally went to DHS and filed for food benefits, child support against her for SS2 (which I'm sure she'll quit her new job when she finds out about this), and a paternity test to see if he's really the father of SS 10mos. I'm so proud of him for doing this because just 3 mos ago, he wouldn't have even tried to go to DHS. But SS2 misses his mom terribly when he's with us. He's only seen her 3 times in the last 2 months, and that's her doing. We've tried to arrange for her to see them and she's always too busy or can't find the time to see her son. He carries around a picture of her and looks at pictures of her constantly (we have a couple of her picture albums). I feel bad for the little boy because all he wants is his mama and she's too selfish to see that.

ExSO found a job, but the money is barely enough to support him and the kids, but he does the best he can and hopefully DHS will help him out a bunch. He filed for child support because, even though we feed, clothe, and drive the skids everywhere, we have yet to see any financial help from BM. I don't know...the main point of this is how sad I feel for SS2. He's a sweet kid and I know he loves me, even though his daddy and I aren't together anymore. And I still love him too. I just feel so bad for the way he misses him mom and the way that she barely asks about him.