Tit, Tat and the other
I am a little rusty at blogging, it's been a while but what the hell, lets just jump in with both feet. For those of you that don't know me; SM and BM (SD14, BD20, BS19)all living with us full time. SD14 does not visit or have much contact with BM (that is another whole long, long story for another time). DH and I have been married for 5 years and it has been the roller coaster from hell. I love my DH and he loves me very much, our issues have always been surrounding the kids. Soooooo...onto the issue of the day.
I am really trying to understand the tit for tat thing and why we have to go through these senseless practices time after time with no change in the situation. Isn't the definition of crazy doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results? *sigh* I digress...Last nights episode goes like this - SD goes into the laundry room looking for something particular of hers, doesn't find it and asks DH. He doesn't know so she goes up to BD's room (they wear the same size) and apparently finds what she is looking for, comes back downstairs crying and DH asks what is wrong and she simply says "She keeps taking my stuff", and goes off to her room.
DH and I were just finishing dinner preparations and BD was at work so I didn't say anything but finished up dinner and text messaged BD to get to the bottom of the situation, I knew DH was going to blow a gasket. I had just talked with BD about a month ago about taking anything of SD's without asking. DH had good reason to be upset with BD but I felt that SD's reaction was a bit much, I guess I should have kept that thought to myself. Anyway so BD calls after I text her and I asked her about the clothes, she said she forgot to leave a note for SD when she borrowed the top but left it on her bed for SD to get if she needed it. I told her again that taking someone elses stuff without asking was not acceptable, she told me that they both had been borrowing each other's things and there had not been a problem. I pressed the issue and told her that she needed to work this out with SD in a respectable manner and agree on how they would handle this situation going forward. I thought it was a good idea to let them work out their differences without us being involved. Well, I am here to tell you I was DEAD WRONG!
That is when DH did blow his top. He told me I was protecting BD and was being totally unfair to SD, I told him that she had things of BD's too. Then I was accused of covering up for BD. OK, I did not defend BD in any way, I told her and DH that taking things without asking is inappropriate and needed to stop right away. DH persisted that I did a poor job of handling the situation and that innocent little SD had every right to be hysterical about BD having her top and further that he would be sure that SD understood that she had every right to go through BD's things and take whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it.
I asked DH why it was such a poor decision to allow the two to work this issue out themselves and we go right back to the whole freaking tit for tat thing AGAIN...your kids this, my kid that. Do normal families have knock down drag out fights about the disagreements of their kids? Did I totally miss the mark in my handling of this situation? Maybe I should have just bought locks for all the doors and cut off one of BD's hands, would that have made a difference?
I honestly believe that DH will never believe that I have any good motive behind any action or nonaction on my part when it comes to SD. If I had been the mother to both those girls we would not have had a disagreement, I believe DH would appreciate the way I handled the situation (with no drama). We can't seem to get past this, I can never do the right thing where SD is involved no matter how good my intentions are.
Anyone have any opinions on this?
~Evil
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Comments
I'm not good with advice,
I'm not good with advice, but the locks sound like a good idea.
No. In an in-tact family
No. In an in-tact family the parents WOULD NOT take sides and the children would have to work it out unless it escalated.
My x was this way with his daugther and look where that got him. Unless you guys can step back and let them handle things and blend by themselves, you guys are going to have a long road to hoe.
I'd be pissed if I were you too.
I do keep coming back to
I do keep coming back to this point. Blended families do not trust each other with their children from other relationships...it's so odd. I mean, you meet someone, fall in love (which I would hope involves a great deal of trust),bring them into your life, marry them but question their motives any time the stepchild is involved.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
I actually just incorporated
I actually just incorporated this rule into our household rules that I compiled yesterday. No taking anyone's things without directly asking for permission. If it happens, they get punished. The punishment is already established, so there is no feelings of giving a lesser punishment to one over the other for doing the same thing.
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
I guess that is where it
I guess that is where it gets a little hairy. How exactly do I punish a 20 year old? Spanking is out of the question, she pays for her own phone, her own car, works and goes to school so I can't ground her to the house. I could kick her out I guess but that seems a bit harsh for borrowing a top without asking
I am not really sure what DH was expecting. Why in the world would he have a problem with them trying to work this out themselves? I guess I am just frustrated with his lack of trust in me to see that they do work it out.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Yeah, it does kinda take on
Yeah, it does kinda take on a whole other dimension when it involves a 20yr old, lol. I'm completely stuck on this one. But I do think you handled it just fine. If it continues to create a problem, just tell both of them, no borrowing period. If it still happens again, whichever child was the violator could do some type of chore around the house.
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
I think that you handled it
I think that you handled it great. Your dh needs to sit back and let them work it out. Borrowing is what girls/women do! Does your dh like to be controlling? I had/have issues with my dh being controlling. I have gotten to the point now where I just tell him that he is stepping on my turf! }:) I don't take it anymore. Course, it helps that he finally understands how controlling he has been and how long I have been dealing with those issues!
In all fairness I don't
In all fairness I don't think DH is very controlling. Actually he rarely pays any attention to anything that SD is doing unless she is upset about something. Throwing fuel on a fire is a great trick SD has mastered and DH is the direct cause. I don't blame SD for her behavior. I don't accept it but I don't blame her...know what I mean?
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
They're 14 and 20 for crying
They're 14 and 20 for crying out loud. No one threw a TV at the other or anything, right? Frankly, if I saw a 14 year old actually crying over something that ridiculous, I would be horrified. My kids are 11, 9, and 8 and unless someone is getting hurt (physically or emotionally) or items are being destroyed, I let them work it out amongst themselves.
How did DH think you should have handled it?
I will say that I had to talk to my DH about the whole "well, your kid did xyz" everytime we were talking about SD8. I finally told him that he is throwing shit at me hoping something sticks, because my children's prior behavior has NOTHING to do with the present situation. Now if he starts to bring my kids into it, I will calmly say that I would be happy to talk to him about BS or BD when we are through talking about SD, but right now we owe it to SD to give her problem our full attention.
Now in this situation, it did involve both girls. IF you get in the middle of it, I would simply say "you two are old enough to handle this like adults. If you choose not to then the new house rule will be no sharing... of anything... ever" Give them the choice. You (likely) are too busy a person to get drug into childish squabbles.
How did DH think you should
How did DH think you should have handled it?
--------------> Good question, maybe this should be directly asked to DH?
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
I should have asked him that
I should have asked him that question. I don't know what kind of answer I would have gotten, he was so mad. See, he is already a bit disgruntled at BD right now because he does not like her new BF. Frankly I don't like him either but she is 20 years old and I can't tell her who to date, she pays her own bills, pays for her college and books, and her own clothes! This incident last night was just the icing on the cake for him I think, and anytime SD cries he panics.
I don't plan to bring up the subject tonight unless he says something to me about it. I just think we have enough drama in our life right now without all this needless bullsh*t over borrowing a shirt. I need a drink already, is it too early? lol
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
LOL, it's 5 o'clock
LOL, it's 5 o'clock somewhere!!!
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
AMEN Sista! If you want
AMEN Sista!
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
I don't blame you, I
I don't blame you, I wouldn't bring it up either. What's done is done. But keep that question in mind next time he's questioning your decisions. If DH is forced to actually think of a plausible way to handle a situation, he realizes how difficult it can be in the heat of the moment and he tends to climb down off his high horse.
If you're headed to the bar, I'll have a SoCo and 7, please. if the line is long... order me two!
~Serena~
Yep, I should have asked the
Yep, I should have asked the question. We usually don't have these issues, I don't dole out punishments or rules to SD, that's Dh's responsibility. We still deal with the damn tit for tat thing all the time tho.
Ordering now...I may just get two for myself to get started...lol
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Have a family discussion
Have a family discussion about EVERYTHING or establish a meeting night for the family. This worked for my parents who had 5 kids and lots of borrowing/'stealing' without asking. We were told to come up with punishments for this behavior and it applied to ALL OF US, so there was no favoritism. It's sort of like their own laws. You, the parents, have the last say, but let them come up with ways to solve their problems in a positive manner. Once the 'laws' are decided upon, post them in a place where everyone can see. Also keep minutes, this helps when people say they didn't say something or agree to something when things don't go their way. This is a great tool to communicate with your kids and for parents to discuss in an appropriate way the interaction that goes on between them with kids because kids see everything and may take something out of context if it's not explained by both parents at the same time.
I agree with the way you handled it since they are old enough to do so without too much parental supervision. Your DH is babying SD14 way too much and she's just being overly dramatic about something very small.
No one can make you feel inferior with your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt
delete
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I agree get the locks. I
I agree get the locks. I grew up with three sisters all the same size. I will tell you that my mom dealt with this daily. This is not a step family issue. This is a Daughter issue.
The locks are a good idea. Also, your daughter should be punished. It will have a trickle down effect. She will stop borrowing then and then won't allow SD to borrow either for starting the fight.
You really can't punish a
You really can't punish a 20yo. Mine is 19 and I have been racking my brain trying to think of something that you could do to them and I got nothing.
I agree with everyone on
I agree with everyone on this one....hard to punish a 20yo, except for the fact that she DOES live in your house, so your rules...ya know! Maybe sd14 was emotional b/c it's "that" time? Is she usually that way? I have ALWAYS had the rule with the SD's (at least when they both lived at home) that they were never to borrow anything from one another b/c it ALWAYS ended badly. I would like to knwo how you were supposed to have handled it? I think you did what I would have likely done....let them hash it out!
Agree 100%, I have no quams
Agree 100%, I have no quams about my house, my rules with my Bkids. BD was wrong and she knows she was. I did not listen to her excuses or accusations about SD taking her things; that is why I asked her to work it out with SD and not involve DH or me. I just don't understand DH's reaction. I was not defending BD at all and didn't even let her give excuses etc. I figured it was the best way to deal with the situation, I may be wrong but at least I tried. I have only ever had one daughter so it's new ground for me. Thanks Sia, long time no talk.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
SMofknowitall... I don't
SMofknowitall...
I don't punish SD now so I don't see that changing when she is 20.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Ok...I'll just take this one
Ok...I'll just take this one at a time:
1) "when Sd becomes 20 and borrow your stuff, you won't complain?" First, I am not complaining about anyone taking anything of mine, that was not the point of the post. But to answer your question, I don't allow BD to borrow my things without asking and that won't change or be any different for SD at 14 or 20 or 50.
2)"Because there have been plenty of complaints here about skids borrowing stuff. If just seems OK on this board for SMs to complain about kids borrowing." I really don't understand what this has to do with my post. My point is that DH didn't offer to resolve the situation, complained about the way I tried to resolve it and created an issue between the two of us where there never should have been one. My motive was questioned and I was treated as if I was trying to harm his child, that is where the true problem is.
3) "There are variables present in a blended family not present in intact familys." I totally agree.
4) "To say 14 and 20 should work it out puts 14 in disadvantageous position. How many SMs here complain when older stepkid takes advantage of younger biokid." I raised 2 kids on my own for 10+ years, I have always encouraged my children to work out their differences without involving others. I believe it builds character and teaches them to work out problems. If there were unable to resolve the situation without drawing blood then it is time for me to step in. I don't see why these two should not be given the same opportunity.
5) "What is clear to me is DH doesn't like it. If you want to work on things as a partnership you should find a road you both agree on." I agree with this too. I also believe that there are times when he and I will disagree on children, on dinner or on the color of the wall but I would hope that we could get through those things without turning them into something else. If we disagree about the color of the wall he doesn't accuse me of being unfair but if we disagree about children it takes on a life of its own. That is what I want to resolve.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
i think it happens in
i think it happens in "intact" families just the same.
in high school my bff had two sisters, all three one a senior, the next a sophmore, and the next a freshmen...they were always taking each other clothes and at each others throat. the mom and dad tottally had favorites, and they had clear rules about taking each others stuff. but never enforced anything. the youngest sister finally put a lock on her door but it was only allowed to be locked when she wasnt there. the problem is that they are fine with it when its a trade or barrow they want, but the second they have an issue with something then you know what hits the fan.
one of them actually took some of my clothes from my bff's room and ruined them.
i think you were 100% right, they need to work it out themself, and bd20 should be old enough and mature emough to follow the rules, and sd shouldnt barrow clothes if she wants to avoid bd barrowing hers.
i saw someone mentioned what would dh have done? what if next time you sit back and let him deal with it. i bet he gets sick of it and tells them to deal with it on their own.
Tit, tat and the other
Tit, tat and the other update***
I am very proud of my BD; she is doing what I would expect any reasonable adult to do. BD met with DH yesterday afternoon before I got home from work, I didn't know anything about it until she called me later. She said she wanted to talk to him before approaching SD. I don't know what all was said, she didn't go into much detail other than to say that she and DH agreed that the two of them should try to work it out.
I didn't discuss it with DH and he didn't offer so I left it alone. It still peeves me a little that he didn't trust me enough to at least hear me out. Maybe when things are calm we can talk about it again. Thanks for all the comments, it's good to be back.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
UGH- the "Borrowing of
UGH- the "Borrowing of clothes" issues! (Just SHOOT ME!)
I think have a unique perspective on this, Evil, because what I think you feel is happening with regard to you DH in this situation is specific to the "blended" family and him "taking umbrage" with YOUR CHILD taking HIS CHILD's
stuff.
But you feel if it were just a regular "intact" family, he wouldn't have acted so demonstatively, and possibly just let them hash it out themselves?
Am I getting this right?
Ok, we have this all the time, but in our case, it IS the two BIOSISTERS- DH's girls (ages 19 and 17) who are CONSTANTLY fighting over clothes. They will steal each other's things from their rooms, lie about it, and literally get physical with each other when confronted about it.
We have tried family meetings, marking the clothes with their intials, the "ask before taking" rule, and yes, even locks! But nothing has worked.
But here's the "catch"...
Everyone in the household perceives that DH considers middle SD17 to be his "Golden Child"- she can do no wrong in his eyes. She has always been his favorite and he ALWAYS takes her side.
On the flip side, I have the opposite relationship with SD17. Because of her BPD and the accompanying lying, manipulation, and high-drama that SD17 exhibits on a daily basis, I do not have any relationship with her.
So when the two girls are fighting about clothes issues, we usually just let them "work it out" on their own terms. Until it gets physical or really loud and out-of-hand (which is almost daily). And then I have to step in and break it up. At that point, DH says I am immediately taking SD19s side simply because, "I dont like SD17."
But of course, he doesn't notice that he has 1,000 excuses for immediately coming to the defense of SD17 and throwing SD19 under the bus almost every time!
If you walked into our home and heard us arguing about the situation, you would THINK that SD19 was my BIOLOGICAL child because I needed to defend her all the time in arguments between SD17 and SD19.
In the long run though, I HAVE taught SD19 to be the more mature one in these situations and teach her to try to be the "better person" and exercise "better judgement" when borrowing clothes.
And when it comes to SD17 TAKING her clothes, I helped her protect herself by buying her a large footlocker, so she could lock up anything she needed to protect from "sticky fingers" while she was not at home. SD19 also keeps some of her more valued possessions in MY closet for safekeeping. Both have helped tremendously.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
'Borrowing' always leads to
'Borrowing' always leads to problems. I have 3 sisters, numerous female friends and 50 female roommates, and I will tell you that EVERY fight we have ever had was about borrowing clothes.
Don't borrow, don't lend - that is how you keep your sanity. !
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2