depressed
I'm so stressed out. SS7 had surgery on Thursday morning. My DD2 was not feeling well and so I did not get to go to the hospital with him. DH and BM both went. SS is still in the hospital because he is not breathing properly. I'm really depressed because I can't do anything for this kid. His BM is staying in the hospital with him because we have to work. I feel so bad for the kid, and yet so frustrated that DH wants to spend the night 3 hours away on a couch with BM. I hate to say that he can't go down there because his kid is very sick, but I don't want him that close to her.
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That's a tough one.
I'm so sorry. I hope your SS is feeling better soon. Maybe send him a stuffed animal or bake him some cookies to make his stay a little easier. As for DH, hotel? Friends house?
Andrea, I know you are depressed, and I'm sorry BUT
seriously... take yourself out of this.. Not everything is about US as step parents or the dad spending time with the mom.
I know you are saying you "hate to say he can't go down there" but REALLY... THIS IS NOT ABOUT BM... OR DH... OR YOU.
It's about a 7 year old child that just had surgery that cannot breathe afterward. That is serious. That is life threatening. That is important.
You shouldn't be depressed (and I know people will get on me for saying this... but c'mon..) about DH spending the night with BM.... You SHOULD BE worried that this kid CAN'T BREATHE.
Turn it around for your DD and see how much you'd care about any of them... I'm sorry to be harsh and I don't want to get jumped on , but this is one of those times where I feel we are the adult, we need to grow up and put our own feelings aside, or deal with them. We can't just expect everyone to be like... Oh it's OKAY.... because this time, I'm sorry IT'S NOT.
I hope I don't hurt you... it's not my intention. I just want you to realize what's "real problems with BM" and what's problems of OUR OWN MAKING.
Best wishes to YOU and your family, and especially to that poor little boy.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
so youre saying
so you are saying that you would not care if your husband spent the night sleeping on a couch with his ex-wife?
I agree with stick....
in this circumstance...I wouldnt care. However, our BM is not mentally well and wouldnt be there anyway, so I guess it's easy for me to say.
I wouldn't blink an eye
if one of my SDs was seriously ill in the hospital... I would be pissed beyond belief if he DIDN'T spend the night there... these are CHILDREN!!! If perfectson17 was in the hospital having trouble breathing you bet his biodad and I would be there together and to hell with what anyone else thinks, whether that's his SO or my DH... Stick is dead on on this one... sometimes we have to step out of these situations and see them for what they really are. This is one of those times to suck it up.
That being said, I'm truly sorry that all of this is happening and I hate for anyone to go through it.
Hey Andrea,...
Yes, in this case, I would not care one bit if my husband spent the night sleeping on a couch with his ex-wife. Now... my husband can't stand his ex, with good reason. If you are insecure, so be it. I used to be insecure about DH's ex over here. But in this instance, I wouldn't be thinking about that. I would have let it go. It's about a 7 year old, who is probably scared out of his wits. He doesn't need the dumb adult drama to hinder his feelings of security. And neither does your husband for that matter.
Now is not the time to be concerned with your husband staying at the hospital. If your husband didn't spend the night at the hospital - and it's because of you - and GOD FORBID something happens to that poor little boy while he is at a hotel, or somewhere else... that will do even more damage to your relationship.
Let this one go. As another poster wrote... your husband is not spending the night with his ex... he's spending it with HIS SON. HUGE DIFFERENCE.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Andrea, I agree with Stick...
SD14 has had surgery for scoliosis and it caused her to spend a week in the hospital. This was a fear that I had too, of DH sleeping on the same couch as BM. But whenever I found myself thinking that and getting angry over it, I reminded myself that this was about SD and I reminded myself that I need to be more concerned about her than myself because in the long run, my fear of DH and BM sleeping on the same couch is small and insignificant. If SD didn't have that surgery, then she'd have back problems for the rest of her life, and that is far worse than DH and BM sleeping on the couch together. The best advice I can offer is to remind yourself that SS is the top concern right now and to focus on trying to help him recover, rather than dwelling on whether or not DH and BM are sleeping on the same couch. Also, a lot of waiting rooms have more than one couch so I doubt they will be sleeping on the same piece of furniture.
An idea.
Andrea,
I completely understand. It especially sucks to not be able to participate in this with your H when you know he's concerned. Makes you feel like less of a family with him and SS, I'm sure.
Here's an idea that might make you feel better, though: Could you leave your DD with a family member or trusted friend for, say, an afternoon or a day, and drive to the hospital so that you could lend some moral support to your H? I bet it would make you feel better -- and him, too, and probably make SS happy -- if you could show your concern in that way. Might not feel so lonely for you or for your DH.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Andrea
He isn't actually spending the night with Bm he is actually staying with his son. I seriously doubt that they are actually sleeping on the sofa together either. I can understand where you are coming from, but the only thing that matters is that the kd gets better and all of them can return home. The child needs both of his parents so try to see it from his standpoint. Can you get a sitter and go there to spend some time with your H and the child?
You have every right
Geeze reading your other posts, you have every right to feel that way because he has bm in your lives every day. Who wants to have another woman in their marriage, and yes the child is sick, but he's with you now so he needs to get a hotel if it goes over night. Bm should be decent enough to allow you both some private time also to visit, but she's probably not. So If you can go to the hospital after work or whenever I would and hopefully everything will be ok. But -
after everything blows over I would start setting up some new rules about him talking to bm as much as he does. He can call teachers, doctors, ect. so perhaps use this time to prepare what you want to say to him, and I hope you include that if he refuses to change you may not stay in the relationship. And you need to back that up with actions, because going by your posts your almost to the breaking point, and maybe he's not getting it. At least if you decide to leave someday, you can be assured you clearly warned him.
hmmm
I wouldn't be so upset about it, but he's so close to her still anyway it really bugs me. He calls her and talks to her daily about everything. He says he "has to be friends with her for the sake of the kid" Which is B.S. because he does not have to be her friend, he has to be civil and cooperative with her for the sake of the child. For all of you who are saying that I need to stay out of it, you're crazy. I am upset for a legitimate reason, and I'm not going to be not upset until this gets better.
Hey Andrea... I don't want you to feel bad...
I just want you to pick your battle and WHEN to fight it. Now's not the time. Go ahead, if you feel that way... but I'm telling you this as someone who is much older, and has seen what jealousy can do to relationships. Especially jealousy at inopportune times.
do you love this man? If yes... LET THIS ONE GO.
And take Belle's advice... if you take no one elses... get someone to watch your DD and get yourself over to the hospital. Show you care for the boy. Do you? If you do, then show it.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
It definitely sucks...what
It definitely sucks...what about suggesting an air mattress to him? a little twin one..or rotating shifts of being in the room with him?
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
are you really concerned
Are you really concerned that he has feeling for the mother of his children. If so, I don't know how you do it. I would be so out of there if I thought for one second that my dh had any feeling for his exw and that they could possibly rekindle any type of romantic feelings for each other. FWIW I really doubt that would be happening even if he did have feelings for her while his child was in the hospital, I'm sure they are both just really concerned with their child right now.
No, this is not the case
If you read Andrea's other posts, this guy is like many on this board who's dh's refuse to cut ties with the ex. He/Ex are using the child as an excuse to continue their relationship. The ex knows she is a wedge, and is purely hopeing to break them up... and the dh loves having two women.
Actually I'm thinking this guy should move to Iraq or something so he can marry more than one. But either way in my book it would be me and dh period in the hosptal, and we would ask bm to leave so we could have our private time, and we would do the same for her. I don't think its that complicated, but anyone woman in this situation just needs to say No and if a dh refuses to cut the ties there are many consequences to stop that behavior imo.
I definitely wouldn't want
I definitely wouldn't want my husband sleeping on a couch next to BM! I trust my husband but I feel sleeping on the same couch with BM would be a little much. See if the hospital has a recliner that could be brought into the room...and check if there is a limit on overnight visitors. There might be a one visitor limit but I don't work with pediatrics and that might make the situation different.
I do agree with everyone else, the main focus is that your SS is having a difficult post-op recovery. I would also go to the hospital to visit your SS if I were you. I know your DD isn't feeling well but not feeling well is a lot different than not breathing well.
he's home
He's home and now BM and DH kindof expect me to watch him most of the week after being told I didn't need to go to the hospital. I told them to screw off and handle it theirselves. I am not a parent enough to be allowed to see the kid in the hospital room so I must not be parent enough to take care of him while he can't go to school. DH and BM are just going to have to take off work and take the kid taking turns.
Good!!!
Good for you Andrea!
as it should be
The parents should be the ones to take off work. I would let your dh know you won't be used as a free-baby sitter.