I know what I must do - but I need to hear others say it...
So my boyfriend of 1 year is a SD - children ages 11 (boy) and 13 (girl). He and I have a lot in common - he's a good guy but here goes the drama...he's been divorced for almost 7 years, it was a bitter divorce so he and his ex do not speak. He has 50% custody and his schedule with the kids is EVERY OTHER DAY. His only free night is Friday and Sunday afternoons - any time between 3 and 5. He created the schedule so he can see his kids everyday. He is a great devoted father - but I don't feel there has been much time for me and to nurture our relationship. The only time we went away together for a couple of days was labor day weekend (a drive to LBI). My frustration is that I am open and available to be able to finally enjoy my life with someone (I've been divorced a long time - my children are 18 and 22 - so our kids have nothing in common).
I have spent some time with him and his kids and I have to honestly say...they are spoiled brats. I don't like his parenting style..there's no real discipline, those kids walk all over him and it's hard to standby and watch knowing I have no right to say something. Those kids have been traumatized by their parents behavior toward each other, their parents' constant changes of partners (the mother has lived with a few guys over the years and he has had his share of relationship)...
It's been a year and I don't feel any closer to him than I was 8 months ago. His daughter told him she didn't want him to marry me b/c she didn't want me living in their home. I found that quite offensive.
He claims he loves me and I care for him...but if I loved him...it's been dwindling for weeks now. I am not a desperate woman or feel my life is done or that I should settle. I just don't know how to bring myself to tell the guy the truth - if I really loved him I would be embracing his kids and his life...but I'm slowly inching away from him (I hardly call or txt).
I don't know how you guys do it - love someone so much that you are willing to take on their kids as yours. Maybe it's too soon for me...I just sent my youngest away to college and the thought of being around young screaming, winy, needy kids is too much for me to handle. And after reading these blogs with so many horror stories - I can't even imagine it. So I'm going to move...I've just been procrastinating because I feel bad about it. It seems so mean to drop a guy because he's trying to be a good father...
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wow
It sounds like you are having second thoughts about getting involved in all this. You said some things that I can relate to as a sm and you probably have read on here many times.
spoiled, undisciplined kids. My dh is guilty of that himself
feeling guilty about the divorce etc and giving my ss not disipline, the kid could do no wrong. I was a horrible awful person because I asked him to have his son respect the rules of our home when he is here. I never stood up and said to my ss look you have the same rules as my bs, if you cant follow them that is not okay. I am now just realizing that is what I have to do and I am not going to walk on eggshells with this kid anymore. I hope you make the right decision for yourself. You don't owe him anything. Like you said you have grown kids and with all the drama this is bringing to your life, I think you have every right to question things. I hope you find the answer you need and things work out for you
Sounds like you have made the right choice
It is wise of you to decide before you get married that you can't handle "young screaming, winy, needy kids". I don't blame you. Being a stepmother is THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. You can love him and not the kids, trust me. I do it. I hate DH's parenting style, but he is a good husband (when we aren't arguing about his kids' behavior and his lack of discipline). We used to have skids ever other weekend and it wasn't bad then, I knew they would be gone in a day or two. Now, they live with us and I have to look at their lying faces every damn day. I am glad you are seeing the situation as it is. There's no sense in trapping yourself in a marriage if you know it will be torturous for you. I think in these situations involving stepchildren it is best to think with your head and not your heart. It has definitely been a rough road for me. Just remember, your happiness is the ultimate goal here. You do whatever you think will make you happiest. Good luck to you.
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
Hmmmm...
You know what to do...You are reading these blogs and seeing that this is probably WAY more than you bargained for. It is NOT easy, and although it may get to a manageable level, it will more than likely NEVER be easy.
Good Luck...
All you owe him is honesty
There is no shame in saying, "I'm sorry, but this just isn't for me right now. You are a wonderful dad and I respect you for that. However, I raised 2 children and have been looking forward to more time for myself and to developing a relationship with someone who has more time to do that." Write out what you want to say and rehearse it, so that you get it just right. All you owe him is honesty.
Sounds like you're looking for validation
for what you already know.
Well, here it is. Please don't do it. You have your kids in college. His kids are 11 and 13 and the girl hasn't even hit the really ugly teen years yet. Trust me, it's going to get a LOT worse with her!
And the fact that this has got to be one of the CRAZIEST custody schedules I have even heard of, leaves no time for you and him as a couple. And HE seems fine with it- BIG RED FLAG.
I think it is probably a classic example where his ex got his "balls and spine" in the divorce and she owns him. And he's fine with that, too. Because he's scared to death to say "boo" if it means he might not see his kids for even one second less.
I think he's also parenting in fear and guilt. And it's only going to get worse as the entitlement grows in these kids. They don't respect him. You don't respect him. And before you know it, you will resent them all.
Please don't do this to yourself. Have the courage to walk away now before you are in any longer. He might be hurt now, but he will get over it- he'll have his darling children and ex-wife there to cushion the blow!
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Emptynester
JamaicanMeCrazy
LIVE LOVE LAUGH
This post is one of the most open and honest I've read; I know I'm probably not the only one reading it and thinking 'what if' or if only I'd had the courage to admit these same feelings before jumping in.' For a lot of us, the red flags were already there, we just chose to ignore them and pray they'd either go away or resolve themselves. They didn't - and now some of us are paying the price.
Please don't feel guilty for being honest with both yourself and your BF - you are a true class act for handling this situation now and not letting it get out of hand. I wish you the best ~
It sounds like you already
It sounds like you already have your mind made up...you know what's the right thing for you to do to ensure your happiness. Best of luck
Thank you for your responses!
5teensathome - you hit the nail on the head...I do feel he is parenting with fear and guilt. When I hear his conversations with them over the phone and how he looks to constantly have their favor and put down their mother - it infuriates me. Those kids know he hates her - can you imagine what those kids must feel and think? I've heard them say they hate him too - I had the chance to walk away from all of this in January. We had a big fight and I ended it - we were only into our relationship 5 months and felt that I was too hasty...I'm supposed to take a step back and not be so selfish...I'm supposed to be happy that I'm dating a nice guy and try and figure things out...but honestly, now I wish I would have left it alone.
I've justified staying around b/c we have so much in common - we even share the same birthday! We have similar backgrounds, he's smart...but I also see so many ugly things now. He has anger management issues...it's like dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - and when he explodes on those kids - I just can't imagine being in that situation for the rest of my life.
I've had my happy moments when we are on-on-one, but they've been fleeting ...and there really hasn't been true quality time...with this schedule it's impossible….it's been very sporadic and choppy...we get up Saturday morning and he's got to pick them up @ 10:30...then she picks up Sunday at 2:30..or whenever she feels like it. I think she uses him as a full-time babysitter - but he doesn't see it that way...he says he's got the better bargain.
So thank you for all your words and encouragement AND validation! I will get this done soon and I know I have to do it before my birthday in October! I will post again and let you know how it goes...
Sounds like it withered on the vine
In my view, you need a true, deep love connection for such a situation to even work. It's no-one's fault, but his focus on the kids and enmeshment with the BM didn't allow your relationship room to flourish. After 7 years, he is still bitter and angry with her? Get over it already!
And stay away from the J&H anger thing. What happens, is he has no boundaries and they abuse, abuse, abuse, then he snaps, blows his top, and then crawls to them for another cycle. Believe me, if you married him, you would become another target. Especially if you tried to change his parenting or wean him off the BM witch tit.
Yeah, he's a nice guy--but there are other nice guys without the baggage! Or who better manage it. I am in your situation--I have older kids, and my DH has teens. But he doesn't do the guilt daddy thing. And they have been real pieces of work, getting in trouble left and right, BM is a lazy, passive-aggressive, let the kids run wild, trash talked DH etc.
I hear you!
Yes, 7 years and he's not over it - although he will tell you he is and that he just hates her for the drawn out and very expensive divorce. He doesn't get karma...and how negative energy will get him nowhere...and how bad that is for his kids.
At least your DH kids are teens and soon on their way out - I would potentially have to deal with bull for seven years - and then what? What I foresee is his kids getting over the whole daddy dearest thing...and when they walk away from him, and I believe they will, his anger is going to multiply and escalate from his ex to his kids. I'm so glad I can talk about this - the more I read the more I'm convinced I'm outta here! And the trash talk is unbearable - I thought I would die when I heard his 11 your old son call him "you IDIOT!"...and he did nothing...I think he is so accustomed to this kind of talk it doesn't phase him in the least! They all try to be on their best behaviour when I am around - but I have already seen the real personalities surface and I know I will not go there. I told him strait out...I don't want to be married and I am not ready to make any major moves. I haven't seen those kids in weeks (and I'm only 5 miles away) b/c I refuse to deal with them. I was just hoping he would get it - but he is not reading my vibes well...or he's probably ignoring them...
Emptynester
Here's something it took me a really long time to learn, and I think it takes a lot of women a long time to learn.
We date people because we are trying to figure out whether that person is someone we could make a lifelong commitment to. Dating is like test-driving. If we were required to commit to every person we dated, we would be married to our first 15 year-old boyfriend.
Dating=test driving. You aren't required to have a "good" reason to decide not to commit to that person. You are choosing for YOU. If you decide that you don't want to marry someone because they have red hair and you don't want redheaded kids, well that's YOUR reason, and that's fine. Whether someone else might find your reason shallow or mean or etc., etc. is completely beside the point. You're doing yourself and your BF a favor by being honest with yourself and realizing that this relationship isn't for you.
The "bad" or unfair thing would be to keep staying in this relationship even though you know that it won't make you happy -- which in turn will make BF unhappy and both of you miserable together. Remember that you are releasing BOTH of you to find relationships that you'll be happy in.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Well said...
And it is because I do love ME more than I can ever love him is the reason why I can't keep it up. He's on his way for a weekend trip with his kids - I have every intention to talking to him when he gets back...he has them until next tuesday...so next Wednesday is my next opportunity to tell him it's been over for me. Although I am sooo tempted to just send him an email!
Thank you for your post..
Break up with a Post It Burger Style!!!!
LOL...Like Burger dumped Carrie on Sex & The City! HAHA!
I'm kidding...Hmmmmm....Breaking up over email is not a good idea. However, if you feel that doing it in person you will end up getting convinced to stay, then....
If you are still having doubts...Keep reading these posts. You will be astonished at some of the shit we have to go thru.
That might make your decision a bit easier.
I do remember the post-it break up!
It is tempting...he is on his jolly way to a long weekend with the brats...he will be at the height of excitement this weekend so I'll wait until he gets back...but I do prefer to "cut and run"!