EXACTLY!!! That last line especially rings true to me. Because if we allow SD9 to be brainwashed by BM, she will turn out exactly like BM. And among other things, BM is always the victim, so I can completely see SD9 using this as her excuse to play the victim.

I have wanted my husband to sit down & have a real talk with SD9 for almost a year now. (And there were times before that, too.) His idea of talking with SD9 is having a really brief chat about whatever the issue is & that's the end of it. I know that a lot of men are this way...not good at talking about their feelings, but he has to try. I also think that he believes that by talking about certain issues, he's putting SD9 in the middle, but he's not. I don't know how to make him see this. He & I have talked about all of this in the past & again recently. He always agrees with talking to SD9, but his talks go just like I said above. It's not enough. And if I stress WHY he needs to discuss certain issues, he gets mad at me, so I give up.

Before we opt for counseling, I'd like to try & talk to SD9 first. My reason for that is that BM has had SD9 seeing several counselors in the past few months. I think adding more would just be too much. Plus, if BM gets full custody & we only have every other weekend, how do we do counseling? This would mean more dealing with BM because we'd have to take SD9 during the week. We'd rather avoid that if possible. Also, if my husband looses some of his rights to SD9, can we even do counseling without BM being involved? I also kept telling my husband that he needs to contact all these counselors SD9 has seen. He has a right to know what's being said.

I agree with you completely! And I'm glad that others have had the same reaction!

I, too, bent over backwards to take care of SD9 (& her half-sister, who isn't even my husband's). I treated them like they were my own, without going over certain boundaries, of course (didn't want to offend BM). Since I came into their lives, I've bought them clothes, presents, books, toys, school supplies, food, etc. I washed their laundry, cleaned their messes, cooked their meals, drove them to & from school, etc. Why would I do anything different? It's just amazing how fast they forget all you've done when BM is PASing them. SD9 saying that I'm not really her family hurt. She had never treated me like that before. I have a feeling that BM is putting this in her head because I'm pregnant. BM doesn't want SD9 to have a half sibling at our house. Too freakin' bad, lady! Not your decision!

And, just like you, I have to hound SD9 to write thank you's to people. (Or remind her to thank them if they're present.) I've always warned her that if she didn't thank people they might not give her anything anymore. I think she thinks I'm joking. I guess she'll find out!

I completely agree with this!

My husband's stepmother told me that she's considering cutting off one of her other grandchildren because she's so ungrateful. That's when I told her about me warning SD9 about thanking people for gifts & I told her that if SD9 doesn't say thank you, they should cut her off. I don't know if they will or not, but you'd better believe that any kid that gets cut off from my husband's stepmom will know why! She will definitely tell them! I feel as if I've warned SD9 enough about this. Every birthday & holiday, we have this talk. If she chooses to ignore me & laugh it off, then it serves her right to learn this lesson the hard way.

I also agree with this: I find that the best way to address just about any problem is head on. This is why I'm having such a difficult time with all the BM/SD9 issues. My husband doesn't always face things head on, he lets things fester. It drives me insane! I absolutely hate confrontation, however, sometimes there is no other option. If you do nothing, things just get worse.