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Things I hate about being a Step-mom (VENTING)

joylacker's picture

Submitted by joylacker on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 9:39am

I hate that I have to be the bad guy every day inforcing chores and responsibilities while BM gets to me "fun mom".

I hate that I don't get to go on as many dates on weekends with my DH because BM is a stupid selfish cow who wants to have her cake and eat it too.

I hate that my DH feels like this pshyco bitch has a right to be a mother just because she poped these kids out of her vagina, even though she walked out on them 6 years ago and comes around demanding mother rights when it's f-ing convenient to her and her social life.

I hate that my relationship with my DH suffers because of trying to find ways to balance our needs and schedules with the skids schedule and needs.

I hate that we get no CS from stupid cow because she can't keep a f-ing job and the strain that puts on our finances.

I hate not being able to do the extra fun stuff I want to do on the weekends because of no CS from stupid cow BM but any time that SD calls her BM during the weekends she is always out at a bar Kareoking or at a concert! I WANT TO GO KARAOKING ONCE IN A WHILE TOO! I WANT TO GO TO A CONCERT! WHY WON'T SHE TAKE HER KIDS LIKE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO EVERY OTHER WEEKEND SO I CAN HAVE SOME FUN TOO! I F-ING HATE THAT BITCH!

I HATE THE MY DH WON'T PUT HIS FOOT DOWN AND SAY "YOU ARE EITHER IN OR OUT!!!! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!" BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS IN THE FUTURE BLAMING HIM FOR TAKING THIER MOM AWAY! LET ME DO IT, I'LL F-ING SEND HER PACKING!

I hate that I was so naive to think that I could deal with this situation when I got involved, gosh if I knew then what I know now....

I hate that I let love blind me and that I didn't do my research or talked to any step mothers before doing this..

Sigh...

Comments

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 9:44am

Tell me what you love about being a wife and a stepmother? Just to balance it out Blum 3

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

MollyBee's picture

Submitted by MollyBee on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 9:52am

Reading your blog makes me slow down and think about my own situation. I constantly find that I am questioning how much love I have for my FH, and is it really enough to put up with all the drama that BM's bring to the table.
In my situation, my FH always says that his ex wife feels like she has a false sense of entitlement because she had his kid (as far as we know, she is his kid. A DNA test was never performed and FH was away at college and recieved a phone call that she was preggo. He never disputed it, but the blonde hair and blue eyes never went away, and I think he is starting to wonder a little now, too late of course!)I feel, however, that FH GIVES her that false sense of entitlement. Her word is the RULE of life, let me tell you.
BM recieves $400 a month plus in child support. My ex pays less than $100 a month in support (which I gave back, because he is worthless, a total different story) With BM getting that much support she knows that FH and I cant afford much of anything. So, she always takes SD to do really fun things when she has her. This has only started since FH filed for a change in custody, though.
It's only getting worse, and the child is only 8. FH also has another daughter with another woman who won't even let us around her, so there is still more drama out there. I don't know if I can do this, or if I want to. This site is really helping me to see the light...

joylacker's picture

Submitted by joylacker on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:21am

The one thing that I asked my self before I married my DH after living with him and the skids for a while was "Do I love this man enough to deal with what ever comes from now on?, Is he worth it?" For me the answer was "YES!" I think that in any marriage regardless of the skids factor there will be challenges and in the end it's the love between you and the commitment to keep that love alive that will dictate if you make it or not.

Yes, it's hard, extremely difficult some days, but I love my man with all my heart and I know he loves me too, and it sucks that he doesn't get to bitch here and say his side of the story, because this is hard
on him too, and I know that and try to keep that in mind, and that's why I vent here, so I when I aproach him to talk about our issues I'm less emotional and more rational Wink

kat27's picture

Submitted by kat27 on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:12am

one of those days for everyone right now i think. i'm definately making all of you my mentors. i've put two years in and i keep wondering what the rest of my life is going to be like...i just don't think it will get any easier. i'm so sorry you're having a bad day.

joylacker's picture

Submitted by joylacker on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:14am

Regardless of the stress I love my DH with all my heart and I wouldn't ever consider checking out of this marriage.

I love sharing my life with my DH

At the end of the day when I'm kissing the skids goodnight, no matter how many times they got introuble or tested my patience during the day, I still love them.

I love the fact that even though I'll never be "mom", I will never have their unconditional love, and I do have to be "the bad guy" right now, in my heart I know that their lives will be better in the future becuause they are learning valuable lessons now, even if they hate me for them. I remember hating my biological parents growing up for the lessons they taught me, and thanking them later for teaching me those lessons.

I love having a family, even if it is a "different" family. Smile

I love that my DH has raised these kids so well on his own until I came around to help him, and that makes me respect him and love him more.

I love that I have a home.

Amazed's picture

Submitted by Amazed on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:22am

I'm proud of you for what it's worth.

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

HeatherM's picture

Submitted by HeatherM on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:21am

I hate

-1- The word stepmother... it has an evil connotation to it.. also, in SOME situations..when you say "Yeah I'm poopsies SS" then the person doesn't really listen to you or take you seriously

-2- I hate that you could be the sweetest, kindest, most giving person, and give 100% of yourself to your stepkid only to be thought of by them and sometimes DH and often BM as mean, selfish, overbearing, harsh

-3- I hate that I have to bite my tounge so often.. someday I'll bite the damn thing right off. My husband can say whatever he wants about his SS.. he can be mad at him, tell him he's inappropriate etc, but if I so much as roll my eyes at SS I'm the evil one.

-4- I hate that DH often expects me to love his son like he's one of my own. He's NOT one of my own, he does not feel like my child, act like my child, love me.. I have a difficult time feeling maternal to him, and resentful that its an expectation.

-5- I hate that we are the 'mothers' in our household meaning we do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping. And this kid is there secretly wishing you didn't exist, even though you're doing all this shi* for them!

-6- I hate that my husband has not yet established that our marriage comes first. He has not established the hierarchy of our family. This gives my SS plenty of power, and is disrespectful to me.

-7- I hate that no matter what suggestion I make with regards to his son, or that no matter what behavioural problem I've brought up, that my DH is irritated at me for bringing it up. My husband is always taking sides with his son, and I somehow end up looking like the bad guy. I hate also, that he is not irritated speaking about these things when it concerns my own son or our daughter together.

-8- I hate that I spend so much time and energy on this kid and his problems to no avail! I feel taken advantage of.

-9- I hate watching my DH guilt parent his son with blinders on. He ignores problems, and cannot see any conflict at all when it pertains to his son.

-10- I hate how often I have to change my scheduled appointments to accomodate BM's schedule. It's ridiculous.. he's not even my kid!

I could go on and on and on... but unfortunatly I'm at work... and should probably work!

-9-

joylacker's picture

Submitted by joylacker on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 10:50am

I would like to share with you that I hear you, I understand and I've been there still there in a lot of ways; but an ugly truth that I came to realize a few months ago was that I had to stand up for my self in this marriage; that my DH is a wonderful man and I love him but that he is stuck in the middle of the skids and me and if I didn't demand that our marriage come first and explain to him why it needs to come first, I would never have a husband, but a Daddy to his kids.

This was not easy to do and to be completely honest it broke my heart that I have to spell it out to him. Had to explain to him that I don't know him as my husband as much as a father to his children, that I know that if we don't work and tend to our marriage consciously and diligently we will not make it; that the kids will be better off having a stable family and that this family is based on our marriage.

All my illusions about having an attentive husband dedicated to me only has gone out the window and I expect that I will have to continue to stand up for me and my marriage for the rest of my life, because it's hard for my DH to reconcile the split feelings he has of feeling guilty when he is with me and not with the skids, and feeling guilty when he is with them and not with me.

I highly recomend reading the book "Stepmonster" this book completely changed my life and my perspective.

This is only my experience and my humble opinion. Good luck! Biggrin

JMC's picture

Submitted by JMC on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 11:01am

JamaicanMeCrazy
LIVE LOVE LAUGH

'I hate that my DH feels like this pshyco bitch has a right to be a mother just because she poped these kids out of her vagina, even though she walked out on them 6 years ago and comes around demanding mother rights when it's f-ing convenient to her and her social life.'

But it's not so much DH that thinks she has a right to them - it's the evil egg donor herself. But she only wants contact with them if there's something in it for her - ugh! What a waste of human being!

NotsoHappyNewlywed's picture

Submitted by NotsoHappyNewlywed on Thu, 08/27/2009 - 12:50pm

having to decide that I prefer to stay home for Labor Day Weekend because I DON'T want to have to vacation with the SD brat on my holiday.
I almost forgot it's her weekend to come over and I was already planning a trip for DH, SS16 and BS11 when I remembered that SD9 would be with us that weekend and I froze in my tracks.
I hate looking at the pictures from SD9's fabulous birthday party that I threw her and see the expression of sheer ungratefulness on her face.
Everyday she looks more and more like that effin witch of a mother that she has. I hate wondering what she's gonna end up being like when she is 13. I really dislike her. Strangely enough I don't dislike the SS as much. I guess I can keep doing what I've been doing all these years. Taking it day by day and reminding myself that I only need to put up with her 2 times a month.
(sighs.....)

nagaer525's picture

Submitted by nagaer525 on Fri, 08/28/2009 - 1:42am

All your stories sound just like mine and I dont have any friends in the same situation to vent too!! I have been with the bf for almost 8 yrs and his kids have lived with us for the past 6 at least when BM decided she couldnt hack it anymore. I have 1 daughter 16 and father is in prison so I have raised her on my own which is nice dont have to worry about the other parent. The BF has 11yr old girl and 17 yr old boy. The boy hates me and mostly everyone, he is a long haired partime washing basement dweller that sits infront of his videos games 24/7 and doesnt participate in family activities and the daughter has gotten better over the years but is a spoiled brat and feels the she has equal rights with my 16 yr old daughter, such as bed time etc. I constantly have to hang with the SD and me and my daughter dont get that time we need together because her mother isnt there for her and I always feel guilty for living her out but need the alone time with my own. My BF lets me raise the SD with my rules but the SS only has to report to him because he has no respect for anyone. Just the other day I heard him say I hate her and I cannot wait to leave and something about murder and death isnt that bad and when I report back I am told I am over reacting. With the SD I get in fights with the BF because he feels I am picking on her because I dont allow the same rules as the 16yr old, and when the SS and BD where the SD age they didnt do half the crap she pulls. Any help advice greatly appreciated!!