We have full custody of stepdaughter over here. DH and I are both in non-traditional fields. BM is a dental hygienist. However, it doesn't matter what field BM is in, since SD lives with us and BM only sees her 1 night a week for a few hours. Originally it was 2 nights a week plus every other weekend, then it went to 1 night a week plus every other weekend, then it went to 1 night a week for a few hours and 1 night every other weekend.... And now, it is going to 1 night a week for only a few hours and that's it. No more overnights with BM.

In our field, DH and I can travel for MONTHS at a time. It's a great job and we both love it. It wasn't DH's career until late 2007 though. When I first met him, he was in construction and coordinated his schedule to pick his daughter up from school on his days. The week we got back from our honeymoon, his lost his job! He had an opportunity to join me on the road, so he did. At the time, SD was with us at least 50/50, usually more. (On a side note, in our first year of marriage, starting right after the honeymoon - my DH lost his job, he had knee surgery, my dad had lung cancer, my mom had lymphoma, his dad was hospitalized for some blood issue, SD asked to come live with us full time and we had to fight BM for it and SD started counseling for depression as she was getting suicidal!)

But I digress - DH came out on the road, and SD was supposed to live with us full time, but if we both happened to be gone at the same time, SD would stay with her mom. However, now SD can no longer be with BM at all for any real length of time, so one of us has to stay home and one of us can pursue our career.

DH got the better offer first so now he's gone for months. He will be home for a week at the end of this month.

That means I have to put aside my career for now and just kind of deal with it.

The thing is, SD is 15 going on 16 in October. DH and I can handle tag teaming our jobs / careers to get SD through the next 2 years - so that she has a stable environment. Funny enough, while DH and I had SD living with us, but still traveled for a week or so, or a few weeks, and SD had to live with BM... it was still a more stable environment than just being with BM full time. Crazy right?

I am going to be looking for a traditional job in the Fall. I took the summer off, because if I didn't I would be very very bitter!! To be honest, I am glad that DH got the better offer first. He was in a no-win position. If he had to stay home because of BM stupidity and I was on the road, I would be angry that I was supporting our family and that because of BM idiocy, he couldn't have the career he loves. I didn't want her to win.

But I am going to start looking for a traditional job in the Fall and will be raising SD alone for the most part while DH is on the road.

The only way I handle it is to

1. Keep telling myself that this is what is best for SD emotionally and for stability. I know we are doing this for a reason. And again, what kind of parent would he / I be if we let her stay with her mom when we know that's not a healthy place?? I don't want to be that neglectful, selfish person.

2. Keep telling myself that it is only for 2 more years. Once SD goes to college, she can of course still live with us, if she likes, but we don't have to be home all the time at that point.

3. Keep reminding myself of everything else great that I have - a loving husband, a step-daughter who needs and (I think!!) loves me

4. Realize that by living the way we are, DH and I are having the life we want, for us and for SD.

5. Remember that just because DH is off working and not at home, doesn't mean he is not suffering. He is working hard and on the road. Believe me, it can be very very lonely and exhausting. It's a different kind of loneliness, but it is loneliness nonetheless.

6. Remember that this is what you and DH are both doing NOW but it may not always be this way. DH is working hard and bringing in decent money, correct? I"m sure a Pilot's salary is very good. Same with DH over here. In that way, my contribution to the household is the care of the child.

7. PLAN FOR SOME ALONE TIME FOR YOU AND DH only!!!!! Super important!

8. PLAN FOR SOME TIME WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS OR FAMILY - Shopping or lunches, etc. I was really starting to hit bottom over here, and SD went to camp. I was able to go to the Racetrack with my girlfriends and also go out on a Saturday night. It gave me more energy to deal with what I have to here.

This has been very very difficult on me this Summer. I have gone through some depression myself and on some days have had to make myself get out and do something. I have had to put on a happy face when I have felt extremely sad. I am very worried about getting a traditional job right now, even though I am only going for temporary employment (for a year, or until DH gets off the road, so I can go.) I have cried more than I thought I would and been angry and have been lost. But I didn't hold it in. I experienced it, let it out and moved on. (Cried on the phone to DH, cried to my mom, vented to my girlfriends or on here, and then carried on with a better attitude for SD.) Don't force yourself to withhold your feelings. If it gets too much TELL SOMEONE and let it out and get away. You will feel so much better and able to really cope. At least it worked for me. I have also talked to SD counselor alone because she knows the sacrifices DH and I are making right now.

And I have to tell you...I have never felt as close to my husband as I have these past few weeks. I love him more than ever and I feel that he loves me too. Of course, I worry with him being out there for so long... I just can't explain it though. I can't explain how, even though we are completely distant in miles, we are closer than ever in our hearts and souls. We are working together on a goal. The goal of bringing up our child (my stepdaughter) to be a healthy, happy, adjusted young adult, with a future, instead of a scary future filled with depression. And the other goal of being together again, at home, or on a beach or somewhere, where it's just the two of us.

You can do this. It won't be easy. But you can!!

I would hate to be in your situation! It is hard enough to deal with the SK's when DH is around, but I would not be taking them at all if he was gone for an extended period. Occasionally I may look after them while he goes to the Dr etc. but that is the extent of my alone time with them.

Sounds like these parents need to sit down and re-assess their responsibilities rather than putting that onto you.

A Step parent is in a no win role

That's what I was trying across in another post.

My DH is NOT "Putting that on" me. I AM.

I know that if I asked, DH would come home. But again, he is such a good man and I love him so much and I really feel that he sacrificed so much for crazy selfish BM, I can give him this. I can let him go and experience a career that makes him so happy. And I can be home with stepdaughter. It's doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. It doesn't mean that I'm not a priority. As a matter of fact, he is constantly sending me gifts through the mail. Ordering clothes from catalogues, sending Victoria's secret presents, perfume, you name it! He is spoiling me rotten because he appreciates and "gets it".

As far as Catlover, how could she ask DH at all to give up his career? I'm sure that she and he both enjoy the benefits of his being a pilot. And what is so wrong with her strengthening that bond between her and stepchild while DH is away? NOTHING. There's NOTHING wrong with it.

By doing what we do, we are not being taken advantage of.

By me NOT fighting to constantly get my way, I have gotten more than I could have ever asked for.

OMG! You are the babysitter! Don't let them take advantage of you.

I remember the first year I was married Dh's mom came to visit for a week (we get along well)and dh said "oh, I'll have man/child here for the week so he can visit with her". I looked at him and asked him if he was taking a week off. He looked rather puzzled & I asked him that if he wasn't taking the week off, who was going to watch his son? My MIL said the same thing.

He never again assumed that I would be his babysitter --------not even for a moment.

Another time, when it was EOW visitation Saturday, we went to a karaoke. He couldn't leave the man/child home even for two hours (he was 12 and almost 6 ft tall)so he took him. We went in two separate cars. I made no announcements---just told him I'd meet him there. My dh looked puzzled--------I told him that they don't want kids in the karaoke place after 10:00 and that if I was enjoying myself (there were a lot of our friends there), I was staying. My dh was okay with that.

Don't let them do it to you----EVEN ONCE. EVEN ONCE!

Never get mad! Never announce! Never allow!

It is hard to pull the wool over an ole gal!