I think you're right that a lot of the problem BMs have psych disorders -- ours does. I've also noticed that the instance of psych disorders among the BMs written about here seems abnormally high, and I too think that, although it takes two to make a couple and two to destroy one, these disorders most likely had a lot to do with why these marriages didn't last.

Sadly, it's hard for daddies to hear that their little angels aren't perfect. And in a lot of cases, the BFs and DHs we write about on here are also resistant to hearing about their ex-wives' problems -- because it reflects badly on them that they chose to marry and reproduce with these nutjobs in the first place.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I just had this conversation with my BF 2 nites ago when his ex was pullin some of her nut job crap and i lost it. I asked him why he even bothers to fight with her that she is nuts etc and his response was well you need to keep yer opinions to yerself, i think she does have a mental issue but shes not crazy she still take care of our daughter blah blah. So i blew my top at that point. I know bipolar when i see it becz majority of my family has it i somehow was able to escape it thank god. And i asked my BF if he just couldnt come to grips with the crap because of his precious male ego and the fact that he wasnt smart enuff to see all this years ago(they were never married) and he said yes that is alot of it. becuz it makes him look like an idiot that he wasted his time with her and didnt walk away like he should. So i sit here cleanin up her mess. We dont even have the kid enuff to make a dent in her. Now with him takin the 3rd job i dont know when we will get her and she wont allow me to take her. So it really sux that alot of us are having these issues beczu our men are stubborn!

Of course our BM and SD deny there is ANYTHING wrong with BM - everything that happens to them is DH's fault even though they have been divorced 14 years?

Oh and BM is not re-married because she CHOOSES to be single - not because she can't get along with anyone!

Its all just pounding sand and the truth is clear to anyone who knows them longer than 5 minutes!

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

I think what you're saying is totally true. The BM in my life has definite problems, but does not treat it correctly. I've been told she's been on depression medicine as long as DH has known her. I've also heard from several sources that she abuses the medicine, therefore it's not doing anything to help her. I find that in a lot of situations I hear about, BM goes buck wild when she gets a divorce and goes out partying all the time and abuses alcohol and prescription drugs. I find it rather annoying (and sad for the kid's sake) that most of these BM's probably have a condition that can be controlled with the proper medicine, but they don't properly take care of themselves.

Unfortunately, I'm learning more and more about BM's BM everyday and finding out she's crazy too!! We (me & almost DH) are working overtime to create a positive environment and example for SD12 so she doesn't continue this pattern of psycho-ness. BM never had a positive female role model to teach her and care for her properly, her dad and stepmom had nothing to do with her until she was a young adult. Hopefully with my and DH's example, even if she does inherit her mother's mental issues, we can show her how to care for herself properly.

And DH is painfully aware of BM's mental state...but that's what happens when you're a young man and you think with what's below the belt instead of what's above it! You knock someone up and get stuck marrying her!!

And yes Most Evil...I love the being single because she chooses to be! ha!

My DH is a doll. If he couldn't make her happy, no one can. He left after she took out a wall with a hammer.

She took up with a drug addict who killed himself in her house. Doesn't surprise me at all that she was involved with someone that was drugged. Who else could possibly put up with her.

And now, unfortunately, it seems we're stuck with her for life :<

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

Well you know that ADHD and ODD usually go hand in hand but they are not genetic only about 5% of that is genes and 30% is environment, it is called genetic counseling and it is a very interesting thing to read about. I too think that SS emotional issues are because of his BM and her own emotional issues that she can not get control of herself.

Yup there is something waaaay wrong with the BM over here. DH told me her Mom had her put into a facility for the crazy but she was released a short time laster then to escape she joined the military (thats where she DH)! She was only in for a short time before being talked to about stalking DH girlfriend at the time. I often tease him about how the signs were all there yet he not only continued the relationship..HE MARRIED HERE AND HAD BABIES!. As far as it being genetic...well BM's mom was caught trying to breast feed her newborn grandson! oh and sooo many other things but that one just gets me. I hate to wish this on anyone but maybe the following happened to keep this women from damaging anyone else's life:...each divorce ended due to an affair (like mother like daughter) the very last boyfriend pushed her down a flight of stairs during one of their fights and now BM's mother is not totally brain dead but will never be able to live without 24 hour care. The boyfriend got away with it too....during the "fall" she suffered a stroke, his story was she had been drinking (which was the norm) had a stroke and "fell" down the stairs. The cuts and bruises were all caused by the fall down the stairs...not his fists or feet. DH tried to tell BM she is headed down the same path...most recently her new boyfriend beat her, she didn't press charges said it didn't work for her mom so why bother.

Ok I am in no way saying the behavior of either man is acceptable. I don't believe anyone (man or women) should be putting hands on anyone else!

DH and I have talked about SD and SS and both are showing signs of what we call "being a little too much like mommy". He has tried to put SD in counseling she seems to need it the most but BM wont agree to it...court order states they must agree and it must be in writing. I told him screw it and take SD anyway we'll deal with the courts later but the last time he did that BM started telling SD "daddy and his wife think you're crazy that's why they take you" SD cried so much and didn't want to be at our house anymore so DH didn't make her go anymore. SS acts out a bit too...he has gotten very violent to the point I had to hold him down to stop him from hitting me (dont worry DH totally stepped in on that one) but then like flicking on and off a switch SS was "all better'...I stood there looking at him like WTF.

DH goes to court tomorrow...pray it goes in his favor for the sake of these kids

She is bipolar/borderline. I try to come from a place of understanding and compassion rather than contempt when it comes to this. It's hard though because her wrath can blanket all the goodness in my life in mere moments.

Instead of blaming her, I really do try to counteract. Sure the reason that there is so much dysfunction in my life usually lays on her shoulders, but where does pointing the finger get me? Angry and wishing she were different. I've grown to accept, that more than likely my stepdaughters will be disordered. It's just the hand they've been dealt. They will also probably take on the daunting task of being enmeshed with their disordered mom once they've become adults. I can only arm them with proper tools and understanding of coping with their mom, the rest is up to them.

If I were you, I would obtain my own therapist and discuss these issues. See what is really going on and how to possibly get your stepson into therapy. He obviously has some sort of fascination with death and an unhealthy perception of what it means. There is usually much more going on beneath the surface with this type of behavior. I think that maybe using the fact that the boy's mother has been killed by overdosing on drugs could open the door for seeking professional help and to addressing all of his issues.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I happen to think it's probably why many of us ended up here seeking out support. For many of us, we sincerely tried all the rational approaches, even over accommodating approaches and became completely stressed because they just don't work when you are dealing with another person incapable of reciprocating on any level. If we all had rationally thinking BMs, DHs, and SKIDS, and (if we consider all of us rationally minded) we wouldn't have felt the need for this group or felt so alone.

At least that's my humble opinion on it.

true in cases where the step mom is a custodial step. The mom is almost always an addict, crazy or like in my case both.

That is TOTALLY the reason my husband divorced his Ex. He couldn't deal with the craziness anymore. He said it got so bad he thought he may actually kill her if he stayed....BIG RED FLAG. He felt she wanted to die and she purposely pushed his buttons in hopes he would off her. She begged him to kill her once. Scary stuff.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.