I think its rather universal that BMs really want and feel entitled to have control of their ex's households. Its a shame and its totally wrong.
It sounds like you and BF have a mature outlook on the situation and want to keep the focus where it belongs. Make sure you document every communication for future reference. Good luck to you.

Our BM also freaked out and tried all sorts of stuff to make my DH take her side over mine and make me feel like the outsider to "their" couple. My advice would have been to not meet with her, because, as you say, it really is none of her d*** business what goes on in your lives, and meeting with her will give her the impression that she still has a say. See what I mean? You're giving her power even by agreeing to meet with her about this.

But as you already are meeting, I suggest strongly that you and your BF talk tonight and agree that you will stand your ground, and firmly but not rudely state to her, over and over, that she is not "in" your life. Your life is separate from her. And the only thing she has the right to discuss or comment on with you is the child. Any reference to your relationship (opinions, advice, etc.) is not welcome and will not be tolerated. Talk to your BF and agree between you that if she starts to get out of control or starts offering opinions on your relationship, you will get up and calmly walk out. Do not meet with her again about this. Then continue to disengage whenever she begins to do this: if you're on the phone, tell her why you're hanging up and hang up. If it's in an email, respond by saying you will not read or respond to anything regarding the relationship and that you are deleting the email. You get the picture.

It will take the two of you drawing an absolutely inviolable line in the sand to get this done. She has nothing to gain from you forbidding her access to your life, so she will not stop butting in unless you give her no choice. Get ready for this to be a battle. But again I repeat: stay strong and present a united front. That is absolutely essential.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I'm actually thankful that our BM doesn't even attempt to tell us how to live out our relationship.

I guess my advice would be to set some boundaries. You and BF should let her know that your relationship is between the two of you. Period. She has no say in it and there is no room for her. Let her know that you will try to keep things civil for the sake of her daughter, but you're not in it to be her friend. There is a HUGE difference between being friendly and being friends. Assure her that you will be kind to her daughter and not overstep any boundaries in your role.

If the Crypt Keeper asked me to sit down and talk I'd probably have to bring the Police. She's crazy. When I first started a relationship with my skids I emailed her and thanked her for allowing me to be part of the skids lives. Her response: "You don't know me, you have no idea what kind of man you're involved with, who do you think you are...." It went downhill pretty fast. That was a few years ago and things are a little more peaceful, but we don't converse unless it's regarding schedule or the skids wellbeing.

Don't try too hard to have this BM on your side; you'll see how fast she will try to drag you down....

Good Luck!

"I aint no Carol Brady"

I would not have agreed to meet with her either. When DH and I married, she through a fit because we did not invite her to our wedding. I had DH call her up and tell, what makes you think you have a "right" to come?

We cut her out of our lives because she was determined to try and control us. She retaliated by attacking the skids and trying to turn them against both of us.

I'd nip this in the bud now. I know you think you are trying to be reasonable but the more you try to accomodate her, the more she feels like she has control.

If SD starts acting out, get her into counseling fast...

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

Get used to it. BParents have issues with control in many cases. In large part due to lack of control in their own lives, IMHO. The primary evidence of this is when they spend inordinate amounts of time focusing on you and what happens in your home rather than on how to provide for the best interests of the children in their own home.

The key is to focus on your relationship with your BF as the core of your blended family while keeping the perspective that you will do what you believe to be in the best interests of your Skid.

I agree with those who counseled to cancel the meeting. From this point forward just focus on communicating with BM about discrete issues rather than conceptual level topics.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

is another control issue. She wants to talk it over, so you have to. Ugh. Is there no way out? I mean, what's there to say. You already said it.