Is there any way this can ever work? :'(
I love him so damn much but I can't deal with his kid 
We're only 21, he didn't even want this kid but obviously now he's here he loves him to bits. I don't even know what to write. I wrote another blog before but I just feel so upset about leaving him Is there ANY way we can make this work?
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believe me, we feel the exact
believe me, we feel the exact same way about BM! Relationship expectations? I don't know, what sort of things *should* we be discussing? Parenting well yes in a sense but at the same time it's *not* my responsibility to parent his son.
Hi Echo, We've sorted the
Hi Echo,
We've sorted the financial situation out. I've moved into my own place and we've sorted something with the bills so that is NOT why I'd stay. If we did stay together we would live separately - things happened WAY too fast with us and so we definitely needed to take a step back.
Thing is, what CAN be changed? He has a son, end of. I really don't know what we can possibly change as there's nothing taking his son back. His son is cute but I just feel so young to be shouldering the responsibility
That is because you are so
That is because you are so young. I mean this the nicest way possible, but you should really go live your life for a while. Becoming a mother or SM is the biggest commitment you can ever make. It surpasses any other relationship that you will ever have. If you are going to commit then do it. Not 1/2 in 1/2 out. It's not fair to that child.
You deserve to have a life of your own. To stay out late, go to concerts, flirt with a stranger at a bar! DO IT! You have so much of your life ahead of you where you have to be home by 6 to have dinner ready, kids doing homework, bath and bed time. Where a date night gets passed up even though the kids are gone because all you want is to sleep! LOL! That is parenthood. If you aren't ready for all that it entails, then don't do it. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOULDER THE RESPONSIBILITY. ITS NOT YOUR KID!
I think you know what you need to do for you.
Surely as a step mum you
Surely as a step mum you shouldn't take on ALL the responsibilities as a BM? He's NOT my child and I see all too often here people saying their SO's put too much of the responsibility onto them.
It is a nice fantasy to think
It is a nice fantasy to think that it won't be that way, but as most on here will point out, you will have a large part of the responsibility. It is part being a woman and part having a child in the house. It is going to happen.
It is not fair. It is not how is should be. But life is what it is. I promise as the years go on, if you stay with him, you will become more mommy that you have planned.
Even if I don't live with
Even if I don't live with him?
I sound like such a naive teenager. I'm sorry. I just want things to be different
If you are there, it will
If you are there, it will fall on you. I am just being 100% honest with you.
What do you mean? I just
What do you mean? I just don't understand how it CAN fall on me if I'm NOT there when he has SS? I don't mind helping out with SS. I know it sounds like I do but really, I don't. it's just when we lived together it was ALL the time and that I just can't stand.
Are you just going to
Are you just going to disappear when he has SS for the rest of SS life? What happens when you do move in together? What about when he calls you of SS weekends and says "Me and SS are missing you!Come spend the day with us"? You know that is going to happen. You know that when it does you are going to fall for it, and you are going to have to play mom.
At 21, I understand how
At 21, I understand how stressful this must be. You know, here's the bottom line. You are 21 and were SMART ENOUGH to not have kids yet...your boyfriend or husband was NOT as smart. You did NOT have kids of your own because you knew you were NOT ready for kids. What happens? That although YOU were smart enough, you are now placed in a position to BE A MOM, ie. stepmom and you are not ready. Believe me, if we are NOT ready to have our OWN kids, we are definitely not ready to be any type of mother to someone else's kid.
This sucks. I can understand you love him, etc...but you moved apart NOT because you didn't love each other, but because of the whole blended family thing. The longer you stay away, the longer you will resent your boyfriend and his kid. There will never be a time when it is ok. You know, being the mother or stepmother of a 5yr old kid at 21 sucks, but being the mother of a 10yr old at 26 also sucks. Now, being a mom or stepmom at 26 of a 1 yr old, might not be as bad because at 25 you would probably be more ready to have a kid.
Sorry, but outside of giving up your life and resenting it for many years, I can't see how you should stay with someone who made such mistakes. His mistakes will haunt you for years. At 21 there are thousands and thousands of guys without kids that can be equal to you and not a burden with baggage. I think you really need to start reading about getting over relationships and start moving along.
PS - of course there is another side to this IF you make it through however many years you have left until CS ends, etc...many of us who married later end up being in our mid forties, early fifties before our lives can become somewhat normal and the economic impact of the CS and skids can go away...you on the other hand, will be able to "start a new life" much earlier, as soon as your husband/boyfriend no longer has that CS...and because he was so young, then that means your new life can begin much earlier...thus not have as huge an impact on you. But, that means that you give up your best years too...
Hi herewegoagain Do you think
Hi herewegoagain
Do you think there's any way around it if we were to stay casual for a while? Obviously in no way do I mean to see others whilst being together. But I mean is there any way we can still see each other when he doesn't have his kid, I go to uni on my own and he stays here but still see each other if and when we can. Do I HAVE to be involved in his kids day to day life? Because if we weren't together, he wouldn't know me, he wouldn't have me in his life, only his Dad so is it really any different? Is it really a case of give up my best years or not be together? I'm just trying to find a way around this!
Why drag it out if you are
Why drag it out if you are going to stay casual? I will tell you the same thing I told my baby sister: HAVE FUN!! See other people, explore the world, find out who you are. At 21 (and I am not belittling you at all here) you have so much to learn about yourself.
Because one day we would move
Because one day we would move back in. It's just I know I haven't the time for a child in my life right now. at the end of the day, he is his responsibility, not mine.
I don't think you are belittling me at all, I know I really should listen to your advice. He's only having him every other weekend so I don't even have to see him too often. Oh I don't know
look at it this way, if you
look at it this way, if you two stay "casual" and live separatly, etc... EVENTUALLY you are gonna want to move the relationship forward.
which means you WILL have to deal with his kid in more ways than you want to now.
Just break up with the guy. you WILL find another, one who DOESN'T have kids.
yeah definitely. but he only
yeah definitely. but he only has him every other weekend. And then I'll be older! Potentially more ready to deal with a child. Should you really condemn someone because of one stupid mistake?
We aren't condemning him at
We aren't condemning him at all. We are just saying that we understand you love him. Your heart can't help that at all. We get it!! We really really do. What we are saying is that- you should be young. Date, date him too. You don't have to sleep around by any means. But you might find that you do meet someone who is even more perfect for you. Someone where you can be the only mother of his only children one day. Someone you don't have to share outside of your family.
I don't think we condemn him,
I don't think we condemn him, but we are being realistic.
If you had a kid at 15 and wanted to party instead of taking care of your kid, do you think that would be right? Or would it be more right to NOT party and take care of your child instead? I think you could agree that it would mean that you should take care of the child. Yes, that ONE mistake as you call it, means that you HAVE to grow up. That doesn't mean that we condemn you, but you would need to grow up.
On the other hand, this happened to your boyfriend. What is happening? You don't want to condemn him for his one stupid mistake, yet you are condemning yourself for HIS mistake. How? Because he made a mistake, you will have to live your life differently (just as 1 above) by not doing things you want to and can't. Because of the mistake that your boyfriend made, HE needs to grow up. What happens if you stay with him? YOU TOO have to grow up. You didn't make that stupid mistake, he did. Why should YOU have to grow up?
I understand that you can see
I understand that you can see each other when he doesn't have his child. That also means that you will have to be around when he doesn't have his child or you will not see him for 3-4 weeks straight, right? I married around 23 and was married for 4yrs until I was 27. During that time, I did nothing but work, go to school and put up with having my life be dictated by my husband and his family, thus we didn't do much. Now, let me tell you what between 21 and 23 and after 27 until I was 30...in just 6 years...and you tell me if you think you won't be missing out on much. And let me tell you, I didn't do anywhere near what many of my girlfriends did because I didn't like to spend a lot of money and I saved lots of money instead.
1. I went to Argentina and spent an entire month there staying at a super nice hotel paid for by my company
2. I went to Chile and spent two weeks there paid for by my company
3. I went to Las Vegas with my cousin on a "let's just go last minute trip" and had a blast
3. I went to Las Vegas with about 10 girlfriends to a concert and had fun riding around a limo
4. I went to Japan 3 times, one time for a month, the other two times for a week paid for by my company...met awesome people
5. I went on a few 1 or 2 day trips to Chicago, Houston, Denver, Miami, etc...
6. I went to Vail on a skiing trip with 4 co-workers...had a blast
7. I went to Cancun with a girlfriend, again, last minute trip and had a blast
8. I went to Cabo San Lucas with a girlfriend and had a blast
9. I went to Disney for the first time, paid for by a guy I dated who took me to celebrate New Year's Eve at Epcot...went to Sarasota, had awesome romantic dinners, etc. with the same guy, I went to California and met some awesome people with the same guy
10. I went dancing with a girlfriend every weekend, went out with a co-worker (male), who was my best friend and enjoyed awesome restaurants, bars, etc. and learned a lot about what men look for in girls...what to do, what not to do...how to be a "lady", etc...
11. I traveled to the Carribbean at least once a year to visit family and friends
12. I had my own paid off car in two years...a VW Jetta brand new...
13. I enjoyed having my own place, always nice and tidy where I could relax, read, etc.
14. I was able to go to all my friend's birthdays, etc. without worrying about anyone waiting for me at home or that I couldn't go because my boyfriend didn't want to or couldn't go
15. I went from not having a degree and making 20K a year working numerous hours, to making over 60K in just 3 years because I could dedicate myself to my work, my future, etc.
Again, this is not all...but can you imagine how much you will miss out on? Do you know what it did for me? When I finally had a son, I was ready to stay home, be with my son and not feel bad that I couldn't travel as much or that I missed out on anything. It also helped me teach my son to be open to the world, to learning new things, etc...I would NOT be the same mother I am today if I had just stayed stuck waiting for the times I could fit in a boyfriend.
There are SOOOOOO MANY things you can do at 21 that you can't do after you have kids. And although I understand that you would date your boyfriend only when he doesn't have his kid, that would mean that most of the things above you would pass on because if they fell on a weekend he didn't have his kid, you would miss seeing him. Little by little you will see how much you gave up and little by little resent it.
I am not saying that you can't be friends, etc. But there is a big difference between being friends and dating and then agreeing to not seeing others. You see, he can agree to that because every other weekend, he has his kid. You on the other hand will be planning your life around his...thus, him having a kid will STILL hinder your life.
Heck, I even gave up a relationship with a guy who I thought was my soul mate (and sometimes still do), because he had already done all of the things I did above and wanted to settle down. Did it hurt? Of course. For MANY years it hurt. But at the end of the day, I know deep in my heart that what is meant to be is meant to be and that although I gave that up, I gained so much from having the freedom to travel, have fun, meet new people, etc...
So really, why don't you ask maybe your mom, dad, or other adults to tell you all the things they did while they were NOT married...then think if you are willing to not experience those things and if this stress is really worth it.
Lots of luck to you.
Oh dear. I am almost 24. I
Oh dear. I am almost 24. I have skids aged 2 and 4 and have been involved with them since YSD2 was born. I also have my own DD 1y next month. I love my SO more than I have ever loved anyone. I love my daughter and wouldn't change a thing about her but let me tell you, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. If I had known it would be like this I would have never gone out with SO. I have had to give up 2 semesters in college due to skids (long story there) and am waaayyy behind now. We do not have $$ to take vacations or experience the world like we want to. We barely meet the bills some months. This is due to the financial burden of paying CS. I was so naive about stephood and wish like hell I had found this place then.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life (most days) and like my skids but I have lost out on so much by having a ready made family. It is hard as hell and does not get easier.
I suggest that you move on. I was in your shoes and I didn't... somedays I wish like hell I had. Take the advice you are given and LIVE before having a family... trust me on this one.