My HEAD hurts over all the crap........I'm VENTING again!!!
DH is such a one sided fool sometimes!!!!! According to DH, He is "trying" to step up with his little princess...NOT!!!!! BUT DH seems to have no problem trying to parent ME!! He can see all I am doing "wrong" but he can never see what his Lil Princess does....If I dont answer her because she asks me a question to my back that I dont hear(Yes I am HOH!! ear injury from an accident!!)...Im "ignoring her" although SD13 KNOWS I can not her!!!...If she lies about me, DH will question me and give me the 3rd degree...but does NOTHING to SD13 when the lie is proven to be a LIE...(DH has never caught me lying to him...EVER...but DH cant begin to count the lies SD13 has told DH!!!) Im so sick of being blamed for ALL that is "wrong" with HIS spawn!!!! Cant DH get it that IF I really didnt DEEPDOWN care about SD13, her being rude would not bother me at all....I would welcome her ignoring me and not talking....
Last night while out to dinner DH said that he thought that I should take SD13 out and do something with her...like shopping or ceramics...I l@@ked at DH with the most shocked look I could muster :jawdrop: .....I then said "No I dont want to do anything with someone who wont speak to me in my own home! The same person who lies about me all the time and who has the blessing of her dad to cause issues on our family vacation...SD13 wont be going with me to have "fun"! What am I a fool?" DH then got this look on his face like I was doing something wrong!!!!! (the 1/2 a$$ smile) and basically said "see you dont want to do anything with her! so she doesnt want to do anything with you!" (infering it is MY fault that SD13 is rude and a total brat!!!) WHO is DH kidding?????????? I told DH that I feel that "rewarding" SD13 for her rude behavior is NOT EVER going to work...and that UNTIL SD13 treats me with respect that I will not bribe her to talk to me by doing something fun....(Doesnt DH remember that SD13 tried to ROB all the fun on our camping trip?? A trip where we ALL were there to have fun!?!?)I backed it with "until HE sets limits and expectations for his daughter it will never change.....AND DH can quit trying to parent ME!!"
UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I have catered to this child for 10+ yrs and I have learned that I do NOT like being a door mat.....I have done nothing but try to get her to join in and be part of our family...Going out of my way to chat with her/include her/teach her/encourage her/ ALL I have ever wanted is for her to want to join in feel like she was part of our family and that her BM leaving her was not her fault... That "God blessed me with her" and I was thankful for that...showed SD13 where I wanted to name my 1st born her very same name...How much it ment to me to have her in my life...and so on...REALLY MEANING it from the bottom of my heart....WELL it's not my fault that she has chosen to not be a part of our collective family....It is HER choice that SHE misses out....ALL I have ever done is cart her around with my family and tolerated her rude, non speaking, nasty, lying behavior...(trips to the mall...not a word...trips to the movie...not a word...trips to parties...not a word...ME having to ask her repeatedly for an answer...watching her drag her butt walking 50 ft from everyone else...like she cant see us....) Did I mention my OTHER skids love and respect me?????? IMO: she chooses this life...NOT ME!!
Told DH that he could choose to blame me if he wanted but that HE needed to take a long look at our past and what ALL I have done for HIS child (and his other children) and THEN address the problem with the person who HAS a problem....
Im OVER the BS games!!!!!!!! Bring it on...my "I dont give a damn" is in high gear!! UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!
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Comments
Good for you. You are right.
Good for you. You are right. Stick to it!
nice to have your
YES YES YES. GOOD FOR
YES YES YES. GOOD FOR YOU!!
Remove yourself and he'll have to see her for what she is. She shouldn't get any opportunity to throw you under a bus for everything.
It sounds like you have done
It sounds like you have done everything to include her and she still won't give so yeah he needs to see her for her. Your doing right thing.
Wow your story sounds way too
Wow your story sounds way too familiar!! My SD is the same way!! Why the heck are WE always to blame for her rude behavior?!! People are appaled when I tell them the things she says/ does... But he thinks shes doin nothing wrong! WTF?!?!? It's ridiculous. Im affraid They won't see it till it's too late...
So sorry you're dealin with this-- I Soooo feel ya
I am seeing Im soooo not
I am seeing Im soooo not alone....SD13'S therapist says "Why do u blame SM? Cant you see it isnt her??!!" and I swear DH still tries to pass the balme....look in the mirrow buster...DOD (dear ole Dad) YOUR to blame......
Sorry you in the same boat as me....we can co vent to each other!!
What an arse! Everytime he
What an arse!
Everytime he tries to 'parent' you look him in the eye and say "Don't even go there." And walk away.
1of4, You're a blessing to
1of4, You're a blessing to me! You give me encouragement
L@@k Dh right in the eyes is Just what I did yesterday and DH hasn't seen anything YET!!!! Like I say....My "give a damn" is soooooo broken!!!!
Apparently you're married to
Apparently you're married to my DH and his kid!!! Holy crap your story is similar to my own.
Hang in there, demand your rights as his wife and the adult. And I highly recommend you stay on this site. Two things saved my marriage....StepTalk and my telling DH I was D O N E! I was done being treated like s**t by his kid. I was done with him ALLOWING her to treat me that way. He said "I thought if I ignored it, she would stop doing it." I looked at him like he was growing a second and third head and said "Are you f**king kidding me? Don't you understand that by NOT doing anything, you're giving her a HUGE green light to treat me this way?"
He finally pulled his head out of his butt after I explained I was looking at apartments so I could move out and get a divorce. This train-wreck of a situation was no longer tolerable and the stress had affected my mental and physical health. I was going to leave before the toxic environment in my own home killed me.
Good Luck and stick to your guns with your DH and SD. Don't let him guilt you into spending your time and efforts on her until she starts treating you politely and respectfully.
Yes.. Let's co- vent it
Yes.. Let's co- vent
it Freakin amazes me how I can get griped at for my voice Getting a little irritated but she can totally fly off the handle and it's ok.. "oh she's just expressing her feelings.." yea right.
Shaman, How did u get your DH to pull his head out of his butt?? And not just totally blame u? What's sad is my DH knows and is disgusted about how horrible his D is, talks about it all the time... but has every damn excuse for her... It's getting old
Hi Eyes - It was a
Hi Eyes - It was a combination of him realizing I wasn't just threatening to leave or giving him an ultimatum and him catching her in the act. I was simply done dealing with both DH and his kid. He was in huge denial over her behavior, and told me I was a tattle-tale - DH your kid did this, DH you kid did that, etc. He felt I should suck it up because I was the adult and she was the kid. She had a horrible mom, she was his precious little princess, she was an angel.
BARF. :sick:
I laid it all out to him (the usual SM treatment - looking through me, saying sh**ty things to me out of DH's earshot, the "looks", breaking my sentimental items, ruining my things, etc.) and explained I just couldn't take any more and had decided to leave. Period. No negotiations. I believe his kid was eavesdropping on our conversation, because within a week she started getting sloppy. She had been careful up to that point not be too obvious when DH was around.
Between my decision and his kids' sloppiness, his eyes finally opened up and he caught her pulling one of her stunts on me. Even though I had pointed it out in the past, he had never really seen it. But his kid thought she was in the clear and simply started doing it in front of him. You should have seen his face. His jaw hit the floor. Then within minutes, she did something else to me and DH lost it. He told her to knock it off and that if he caught her doing crap like that to me again he would ground her for a month.
DH apologized to me and asked if we could get some counseling to try and work things out. Because he finally dealt with his kid, I agreed to counseling and we're heading to our 4th anniversary in August.
The road has been tough and he still protects his little princess from time to time. However I did disengage (long story) and as long as his kid is polite and respectful towards me, my things, my home and my pets, then I ignore them both when my spidey senses detect guilty-dad parenting.
oh Ladies!! WOW! We do share
oh Ladies!! WOW! We do share the same DH and SD!!!!! Problem is my DH has SEEN with HIS VERY OWN EYES his lil princess treat me like sh&t!!!!!!!!!!!! That is what I just dont get!!!! HOW can DH blame ME?????
I'm with you on the leaving part....Irony is MY bio daughters love DH and dont want me to leave him! They just want SD13 "gone"!
My Bio's know the h3ll that i live with at the hands of the child! They all have spoken out in therapy...our therapist and psych dr have even "strongly suggested" a shock and awe living situation for SD13 (intense in patient threatment center) they feel this skid is toxic and needs to see that SHE isnt the boss and is responable for the poor relationships she has with others.....This has off and on sunk in with DOD (dear ole dad) but he isnt to the point that he will see the benifit this kind of treatment can offers....the therapist and psych dr have BOTH told DH that SD13 is headed to a life of crime....too many warning flags and no realization of her actions.....I may have to make this treatment a condition of my staying in the marriage....I hate to have to pull this card...but it may happen
My story can go on and on (all kinds of stunts and nasty nasty gross behavior) this kid is toxic and she needs to get a real grip...honesty it is prob just too dang late to have any effective change! DH is "my poor lil baby" BLIND to the treatment/looks/snide remarks/her constsnt lies/her nasty life style.......EVEN WHEN HE IS RIGHT THERE WATCHING HER DO IT...... DH is getting NOTHING from me until HE steps it up with HIS DAUGHTER!!!!!!!! until DH causes some long term changes with HIS daughter things will never improve...DH needs to realise that IM an ADULT and dont need my DH to parent me!! I feel that this is HIS monster to slay...He can try to deny being the one responsable for her actions/reactions BUT....HE keeps feeding IT now doesnt he????
Thanks to ST I have not lost my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant tell you all what I have gained from all of your advice!!