How do I, an emotional, hormonal, at my wits end woman, learn to DEAL and COMMUNICATE with my DH??? I am at a cross roads...Do I leave or do I stay?? LONG post as always...IM sorry...

I DO NOT feel heard by my DH.....HE blames me for everything wrong with his DD13 (I have made many mistakes and I willingly accept those)....DH dumped the "mom" role on my 10 1/2 yrs ago and NEVER EVER gave me legs to stand on...BIG MISTAKE on MY PART!!!!! Now my SD is a real obnoxious liar, thief, back stabbling BRAT......DH does nothing to help...he makes excuses and promises but never keeps them...just smooth it over for now...I want to loose my mind over all of this....DH just has no clue how to talk to me and I have no clue how to talk to him......I am to the boiling point most of the time now...NOW I have a hard time controling my temper, I have tried yelling/being calm/talking/writing it down/crying/not speaking/ignoring lots and lots of IGNORING...nothing gets through!! The YELLING is new for me...It is not my way...I NEVER did yell BEFORE when we have argued (the only thign we argue about is SD!)...Ive only yelled a few times and learned quick this was the wrong way to handel this...after trying to talk to him and his nasty smirks and snide comments that belittle HOW I feel...I feel like I am a ticking time bomb...I KNOW that this makes things worse... The "discussions" are mainly him blaming me for everything I have ever said or done in the past that he doesnt argee with NOW...althought HE AGREED with it then...Im mad because I discussed the issues with DH at the time and we seemed to AGREE with said punishment/restriction/action... Had no "ideas" of his own...and the few he did have (which didnt work either) NOW he wants to turn those onto me too...DH cant seem to UNDERSTAND/ADMIT that it is NOT my "fault" that SD chooses to disobey the restriction or NOT try to change....ALL SD does it 1/2 a$$ it at best and/or diggggg her heels in and REFUSE to do what ever until we (I) have to "up" the punishment...Just a huge huge huge growing snowball...DH "cant"/"wont" see that it is SD...NOT me!!!! DH has NO problem trying to parent ME (question the h3ll out of me when DS LIES to DOD about me!!) or my Bio's (I totally support DH parenting my Bio's and in turn DH has had NO real issues with his Skids...eye rolling and a "huffff" or two follwed by them doing whatever he asked...which has stopped because I told Bio's that kind of action ment: "yes Dad your right, I will get right on that!" Bio's saw that they were acting like lil shits and quit...hated giving Dad a way to group them into the same catagory as SD13...and they have quit...PLUS I back DH 110% WITH MY BIOS!)

One of the biggest communication issues as I see it is:
DH grew up with a RAGING alcoholic mother who used YELLING/SCREAMING/VIOLANCE to get her way...growing up DH swore he would never be that way...So in turn DH has NEVER NEVER NEVER learned how to listen to someone else when they are hurting or are angry nor REALLY how to communicate...He often belittles me by saying he is better than me because he isnt yelling, he can remain calm...although i am not yelling..?? odd?? When we have any "discussion" a BIG BIG BIG WALL goes up and DH looks for an excape....How to blame the other person???...Not lookig at both sides...then he will get me all mad and do his best to turn things into ME being the issue NOT SD....he's pretty slick like that...TURN ABOUT....BELITTLE...BLAME SHIFT.....but NEVER Listening to what I am saying and DH NEVER LOOKs HONESTLY at the facts of WHAT SD is doing.....BURIED HEAD? GUILTY PARENT? I just dont know if "this" is worth all the stress and blame shifting anymore!!!???

NOW He even has lied to me...(1st time ever I think) He found that SD had burned paper and a lighter hidden in her room and DH HID it from me...when I found the paper and asked him about it HE LIED!! Straight up LIED!!!...Fire is BIG safety issue with my SD....she has psych issues so this is a HUGE deal with me and her psych dr!!!!!...Im floored because our Fire alarms had been going off in the middle of night for 3 wks b4 he ACCIDENTLY found the lighter and paper.....BIG CLUE??? ....He says he didnt think about it....thought it was another skids who has been gone from our home 16 mths...all BS!!!! more blame shifting??? What makes me mad is DH Lied to me and down played it...EVEN when I brought it up..."Trust ME...I've got this one!" his words!!(see other bloggs) I am so mad about this that i cant get past it and it makes EVERYTHING worse....
***HELP guys***....Need a MAN's poin of view...but you gals jump in Im good with that too...PLEASE I am grasping at staws here trying to stay above water.....and keep my marrige....

We have addressed this in family therapy (without kids, we used the entire time...not the kids)...therapist asked us to come back a few times by ourselves so we could work this out...basically the therapist handed DH is hind end on a tray...DH was unhappy but Therapist agreed with me....I am really wanting to have a happy resolution to all of this DH cant see that if I didnt care and love SD all this would not bother me...If I didnt love her I could care less when SD doesnt talk to me and is rude...It hurts my feelings and makes me sad...I do love his child as my own I have raised her from 3 1/2 yrs and have had her all the time..only real Mom she has known...Mom was in and out and did a great job with PAS...(thanks "in the child's best interest" court system) I have tried so many things...YEARS of it...I have no backing and SD has no accountability... the therapist even said "You just dont get it" directly to DH...

I KNOW that this relationship will never work like it is going....I have send text and emails like the therapist suggested to try to discuss things...DH will not answer.....HE is in CONTROL that way...duhhhhhh....

HELP.......The good..the bad..the ugly...Im open...I am willing to change whatever I need to...I just dont want to hear "leave", that reality i am too close to doing already...I am so close to this situation that I cant see the other side I am sure..... reading/therapy/admitting Im wrong and changing me/whatever I can do, I will....just need some advice....
Disengaging only goes so far......Im trying....