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Why is it

williteverend's picture

Submitted by williteverend on Thu, 06/08/2006 - 8:32am

that my DH can't talk about any issues that deal with his EW for more than a minute. He seems to think that I am obsessed for even bringing something up. I don't think he understands how frustrating it is to be the SM and to have to deal with his past issues and the present ones, because the reality is that we have quite a few years left to deal with this. When a person is so opposite of you and lives to make your life a living torture (I am still not sure why we take the brunt of the hostility), it is hard to understand. Sometimes I just need to talk it out and he hates that. Any suggestions?

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Sweetie's picture

Submitted by Sweetie on Thu, 06/08/2006 - 8:51am

Dear williteverand,
It could be that your spouse is embarrased and uncomfortable about the situation. I know that my husband can't believe he was so naive to have gotten mixed up with his exwife in the first place. And when you have years left to deal with a difficult exwife, children, child-rearing issues, and blending families it is a lot on your plate. Men sometimes seem to think if they don't talk about it, the problems will take care of themselves or go away. You and your husband will have to come to a meeting of the minds to compromise on discussing the issues where you are both comfortable. It's hard to talk about problems with an ex-wife, and your husband may be afraid that you may blame him for being in this predicament now. You need to work these things out. There's going to be some guilt feelings on his side towards his children and also towards you, because you are a third party that it going through this through no fault of your own. So, there are a lot of issues to address. Just remember that life doesn't give us what we plan, we just have to work things out the best way we know how. If we all waited around to find someone that didn't have emotional baggage, or wasn't married before, etc., than most of us would be waiting an awfully long time and miss out on some really good people. And I don't think that was meant to happen. This site is set up for you and others to chat and discuss issues that are important to us. I've been with my husband for ten years now--there have been highs and lows--but we have always managed to stay together. I'm sure you'll do the same.
Regards,
Sweetie

Sherrylyn's picture

Submitted by Sherrylyn on Thu, 06/08/2006 - 11:38am

My husband will talk about his ex, the thing is he never questioned her on any of her decisions about the children. He just went with it. Then when I ask him direct questions about why something's a certain way he says that's how the ex decided it would be. Then I ask him if he used his brain or mouth when he was married to the ex, then he laughs because he knows exactly what I mean.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Dawn-Moderator on Thu, 06/08/2006 - 1:09pm

Yep, my husband is the same way as yours. He never wants to talk about his ex. He says that he wants to have days where he doesn't have to think about her. Hello!!! He has a son with her and usually when stepson has a problem, it has to do with biomom. Sooooo, if I try to talk about anything related to stepson, my husband considers that bringing up the ex I guess. He says that I always bring her up. I think I am just thinking out loud and trying to figure situations out. He thinks I am always reminding him of his ex.

Sweetie is right. Men think that if they don't talk about the ex and the problems caused by the ex that they will work themselves out or go away. Not going to happen, I'm afraid.

Hang in there.

Dawn