Another week of trying to stay sane.......
So, another week of being the odd guy out. I gave up and have let DH deal with his kids discipline. The only thing I have got by doing that is being left out of everything that is going on in the household. The only thing I have been doing is the cleaning and cooking. I am left out of everything else. I have questions.... Since I have disengaged, am I able to tell the kids to do any chores? How can I explain to my daughter that I haven't been telling his kids to do things and only her, she is 6? How can I get my husbands respect back? He totally doesn't get it. I love him, but I have been so much happier when he is at work. I thought that disengaging would cut back on our fighting and I don't believe it has. I am also a collage student, full-time, that is starting back up soon and I am going to go crazy if I have all the housework and schoolwork and still not getting along with husband. We only have his kids everyother week, when they aren't here it is so much better. I just feel shitty all the time. I don't believe that disengaging is working!!!!
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Why are you doing the cooking and cleaning for everyone?
If you are disengaging, you shouldn't be doing those things. Also, I don't exclude myself from things going on in the house. I engage with DH and if I had a daughter there, I would certainly engage with her. I would probably just take her to my Mom's for dinner or special trip to McDonalds-just you and your litle one. I wouldn't explain anything to her. She shouldn't be involved.
If you are feeling left out, maybe you should just do the fun things with the family that you like. Rent a movie for everyone. If his kids act like brats, I would ignore them. If they need food or someone to clean up after them, I would swoop up my little one and take off because that is DH's job. If you have disengaged, why can't you just take your daughter and go visit a friend or take her to a movie and let DH deal with his own kids.
I think the problem is your are stil there taking care of things but just excluded yourself from the conversation.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
If I were you, I'd just be gone a lot when skids are there
Then be home when they are not there since you seem so much happier then.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
All good comments...
WickedWitchTaiThe only problem is that the skids are there everyother week, all week. during the school yr too. I have to do the cleaning and cooking because my husband is the one who is working. I have to do those things. I have a vaca planned for the end of Aug. right before school starts. I'll be gone for a week. the week his kids are here. (planned that on purpose) taking my daughter and going to the beach. My plan is to hear DH say how much I do around here and for him to say Thank You!!!!
I clicked on this b/c your titled could be the name of my memoir
To me disengaging is a process toward a healthy balance of letting go of attachment to outcome. Meaning when I disengaged I did it from everyone and everything, then slowly started to realize what I needed to add back in for ME. It is now to the point if I am feeling so inspired I will do something nice for SD. NOT because I think SD will in anyway appreciate it, but b/c I feel good about doing it for her.
I have been even seeing the benefits if I do that across the board, including house cleaning. I have started engaging my kids in doing chores WITH me, and giving them a choice in a chore. Such as, "BS 12, please come and help me empty and re-load the dish washer....BS 15 would you rather help me by running BD 3's bath, taking the puppy out, or carrying down this load of laundry and sorting it?"
BIG difference now in how they are responding.
AND...it even works for DH
As in "DH? Do you want to take the dog out for the last time tonight, or read BD her story?" Or....
"DH, do you want to see me in bed tonight or should I put BD to bed (ie lay down with her for "one song" and pass out in her room for half the night.) He ALWAYS musters up the energy to put BD to bed if it means I will then be more likely to come to bed.
Anyway...
Disengage yes, but then start sorting out what you WANT to re-engage in, one thing at a time. This could make it easier too for BD to do her chores without being confused. She would be your helper rather than the only child helping. If that makes sense.
Goodluck!