Holiday brings up hard times SD lies
DH got a mean letter today from SD14. I don't know what to do to help him anymore, I feel like I tried everything to help him reconnect with his SD whom he loves dearly. But a year ago things got really twisted. It all makes me very sad and I'm distracted times likes this from carrying on and not letting the sadness consume us.
She didn't give the letter to him herself as it's been almost a year since she has come over for visitations, recieved phone calls, texts. She had the SS deliver it to him when picking up for weekend visitation. BM messaged us a year ago when it all started and said neither of us should contact SD14, claiming she doesn't want to talk to us. So after a few attempts of at texting with her, and the BM always stepping in and making group text and making things more traumatic for all involved. DH decided it was best to give SD the time and space she needed as it was requested by her, and it seemed that all continued communication was resulting in conflict from BM. He really didn't want to make things worse for SD his baby girl. So he decided going forward he would not enforce his visitation rights with her.
You may be wondering what the teenagers reason for changing was in the first place? Well apparently it was me. She claimed that I abused her and hit her with a broom. At the time I explained the situation fully to DH who was in the next room at the time 2 SSs. Even when her stories made me question myself I know I never did any such thing. Also, she had two friends over on the weekend of the accused abuse and they were in the room at the time, myself, SD and her 2 friends. I came in from hallway as I was sweeping to see what they were up to ask if they were going to eat lunch and we laughing and giggling about stuff when SD says can you bring me drinks and snacks. I jokingly tapped her with bottom side of broom and said quit being lazy you know where the kitchen is, a little later I proceeded to bring them drinks and snacks. The rest of the weekend went on, later I drove the girls home and the skids went to their BM.... a month later imagine my surprise as we get texts and phone calls from BM claiming I hit SD with hard end of broom stick and apparently I'm always mean to her when DH is not present.
BM went as far as to contact CPS to file a report against me, mind you this was also at a time when BM filed to have CS reevaluated and wanted more money. When CPS came to investigate they had dates that didn't match up with visitation, and the whole thing was written off as unfounded, and the report was closed. Even though this hurt me I wasn't mad, if a child was being abused I want it all to be investigated. DH and myself were just dumbfounded by all of this and at our wits ends trying to figure out why this sudden change in SD behavior. Why did she do something deceitful and manipulative. Was she trying to favor attention from her BM? Is she suffering from something more serious like a mental health issue?
For a short time I even left our home during visitations to give them all a safe place to visit, and I stayed with Family and friends for whole weekends. I did all the right things I cut off communication to SD from myself and I was never again around her alone without another adult. But somehow the situation got worse as she stuck with her story and blamed DH for being a terrible dad and wanted to know how he could choose me over her, that's not what was happening at all. It really tore up DH and there's been nights full of tears from both us when we think about her and miss her.
As I have said it's been almost a year now, and I find it so hard to support DH. All I can really do is encourage him that time will tell, and hopefully she will come around to accepting him again. The letter he received today really struck him down, full of hurtful words and claims that he made her suicidal and is the cause of all her anxiety. All because neither DH or myself believed her story. And it all caused the major riff in their father-daughter relationship, along with the not so manipulative BM who encouraged the ending of their relationship. She always spoke badly about DH in front of skids and they would tell us about it later.
what do I do now to help them? I considered leaving but that just isn't right. What is best for SD? Should DH continue not engaging in the attempts at dramatic conflict? Or does he try to talk with her and explain that he really does love her and misses her, and admit that he doesn't believe her story but loves her just the same?
is it more hurtful to tell the SD14 that he doesn't believe her story and spill the beans on the back end manipulation from BM?
I know there's gotta be some stepmoms out there who have experienced the same, and any tips on how you deal with it all could be helpful.
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Welcome!
Do some research on Parental alienation especially by Dr Craig Childress. His YouTube videos are really well done. Unfortunately this scenario is all too common and frankly almost predictable.
Since she called CPS on you like all of them eventually do, you must never be alone with skid should she decide to come back. She is actually too young to be deciding to cut off dad's visitation and there should be a CO in effect that can be enforced somewhat ( most courts side heavily on the BM's side)
Thank you for this,
Thank you for this, definitely find PAS relatable but try not to think of it in legal terms because the courts here really don't recognize it.
We decided it's best to probably just respond to the letter in the Christmas card we are sending her with cash in by DH saying I read your letter, I love you. Especially since we found out today from a friend that BM went on Facebook and decided to write some big post about how Dad is a POS and just threw her letter away and didn't read it. I don't know why she feels the need to air out her kids dirty laundry and make stuff up on facebook, but guarantee it's what is being said to SD also. She tries to make conflict out of everything, your damned if you do damned if you don't.
Sounds like the apple didn't
Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree...
Not exactly the same and more
Not exactly the same and more recent, more vague accusations going on for me but a similar situation has arisen. My recent blogs cover the drama.
I don't really know what the right answer is. I think our next step is to attempt some family therapy at some point.
I'm sorry your dealing with a
I'm sorry your dealing with a super manipulative BM too. And your posts lol I totally agree I hate trying to explain the drama to outsiders because it does make me feel super trashy too.
But mostly I agree with family therapy as a potential. I just wish it were easier to get in with a skilled therapist. Small town here so options are very limited. Maybe virtual therapy visits could be a thing. It's so sad to see DH and SD relationship torn to pieces. I find I'm blaming my existence in their life sometimes but it would have happened some other way if it weren't me. BM mission in life is to gain her children's love by making them hate their dad. Just crazy
Sadly we are just the easy
Sadly we are just the easy target for all the teenage angst and add to that a manipulative BM and then we're just the shit on their shoes ready to blame for thier stinking lives.
It's so tough when you actually do see some potential for good qualities in the kid and do want what is best for them. I'm torn between outrage that I've been dragged into this, and sadness for the relationships that have been damaged.
How can you have a kid
In your home after they filed a CPS complaint? You are opening yourself to jail time. Having your reputation destroyed And having any other chridren taken away. It sucks forvher. But you must protect yourself. Even though COS found nothing. Your name is still there. For future reports. It's now you or SD
I'm not saying this isn't
I'm not saying this isn't true, but I know I will never be alone with SD again for this reason, my own protection. In fact, I'm probably better off never really communicating to her again. It's sad because man I really do love her. But like I said if she was actually being abused I'd want it investigated. Every kid deserves a chance to have their claim investigated no matter how unfounded it seems. Because never know when there is one who is actually telling the truth. The investigation part isn't what bothers me, ya know?
I couldn't give a flying F-n
I couldn't give a flying F-n rat's ass what a teen thinks. For damned sure I would be all over a lying teen and their idiot BM like stink on the shit that they are. Ball-less and spinless coddling of this toxic POS 14yo and her lying POS mother has obviously failed as a parenting strategy and in effectively countering this toxic POS womb donor. Time for DH to nail BM with a contempt motion each and every time BM fails to deliver SD-14 per the CO.
Every time.
See how this shit child likes seeing her mommy get her assed spanked in front of a Judge. As for the full false charges on this toxic POS kid and her idiot mother? If I were you I would nail BM and the SD-14 with a defamation suit and drag them both to court. You get them in front of a judge then bring everyone to the stand to bare SD's lying ass. and to bare her manipulative mother's toxic ass. If your DH does not grow some balls and stand at your side while you destroy the toxic opposition, then you have your answer regarding the lack of character and spine in your chosen mate.
Grrrrrr.
Stop tolerating your DH and his spineless crap and the results of his poor choice in breeding partners and their toxic POS daughter. Coddling toxicity never works.
Good luck.
And, liars do not deserve shit regarding their "claims". Period, Dot. Lying POS kids are still lying pieces of shit. They should be treated as what they are. Nothing more. Stop ascribing quality to this kid that does not exist. 14 is long past old enough to know truth Vs lies. She is a liar. Period. Dot.
Get her toxic mommy in front of a judge and take everything this lying BM will ever own. Put her living in a refrigerator box under the local highway overpass and give your ball-less DH clarity that he will drag SD-14 kicking and screaming to every COd visitation while beating toxic BM with a rolled up copy of the CO and your defamation lawsuit.
Never give up. Never give in. Categorize people by their actions and you will never fall for their words.
Stand up for yourself and your marriage. Someone has to. Obviously your DH is at worst incapable and at best unwilling.
*sad* I was feeling inspired
*sad* I was feeling inspired by your response, but defamation cases cost on average $7000-$15,000 in attorney fees. But thank you for giving me a different perspective to look at this with.
Update to this situation, My
Update to this situation, My DH's mother was messaging SD this past weekend. DH's mothers relayed to us that even more lying is going on, apparently SD is still sticking to her story that I hit her but now adding that I hit the other two SSs with cords. I'm just speechless, im never alone with the two SSs that come still come over for visitation, so DH would have witnessed had I ever hit the SSs with "cords". And I can't let this lying go on anymore. Especially now that I have reason to believe she is involving her two younger brothers in this lying behavior. I have booked some therapy appointments for myself to work through some of this chaos and hopefully get some grounded direction on how I can move forward.