My bags and boxes opened his eyes
I DO have a control issue. I have to control my life to prevent myself from spiraling down into yet another unhealthy relationship.
I love children, and I love this man, and I know he has baggage. I can, however - with his help - control how weighty that baggage becomes.
Friday before drop-off, I tell him: Look, the kids should not get the idea that every time they come over, they're coming to Disneyland (yes, I used it!). They need structure...and they also need to see that we are individuals, not just leading our meager existence to serve and please them. He agreed. Yay for us, or so I thought.
BM brought the kids over in the afternoon. LittleMr. had LOTS of homework that he hadn't started on despite the fact that she left work early, and he got out of school an hour earlier than planned. No, she decided it was more important to go shopping for perfume and a new top. The topics of conversation while she was here? Her car radio (do you have one for me?), her Hell's Angels acquaintance (Oh, I didn't know! How oh how do I get rid of him?!), "their" vacation in Spain (remember that vacation? Wasn't that great?) and household needs (I need a universal remote control). And HE offered to get one for her. Excuse me?
I worked out the homework plan with LittleMr. before we left to get them house slippers. We came back with house slippers, new trainers, lots of unnecessary groceries...and a remote control. 120 euros. And that was just Friday. The homework got pushed to Saturday because LittleMr. conveniently got a headache when he saw all the work he had to do, and bf decided a movie was the best solution. "The night is young!" Uh, no...7 p.m. is not early for children, especially those who have TONS of homework, want to watch a movie with daddy, still need to shower and brush their teeth, then go to bed so they can have fun on Saturday. I scolded him in private (pisses me off because why should I be scolding a grown man, not to mention a father?!) so as not to undermine his authority in front of the kids.
Saturday began early for LittleMr. and me. My explanation: If you wanna play hard, you gotta work hard. Homework before breakfast, in the car to-and-from the fun place (grand total 80 euros), and when we got home. He got everything done before dinner (I rock!). We spent Saturday playing games. NO TV and the kids LOVED it (I rock²!).
Sunday, two hours before drop-off, during yet another round of games, ring-ring...can you buy me some cigarettes on your way over? Sure, no problem. And there went the little, ticking bomb in my head. KaBOOM! No, I'm not going to drop-off. Kiss and hug the kids, see you next time. No kiss for bf. He came home 3 hours later, to my packing. Shock. Tears. Don'tleaveIdidn'tdoanythingwhatdidIdo?
Dude, I take care of your kids, too, while they're here. I think about them, too, when they're not. I worry with you, complain with you, work WITH and not AGAINST you to give them some sense of stability, participate in their lives, just like you. And you disrespect me by catering to every whim of your ex? She had a kid-free weekend, two hours before drop-off, other friends in HER city where WE don't live, and YOU should pick up a remote control AND smokes for her? Are you fucking kidding me?! It's bad enough that WE live like paupers so you can afford your hobby and these Disney-like weekends with the kids. Then you jump through hoops for her, after all she's done to you, and is still doing?! No. You either belong with me, or with her, but I'm not leading a life of twisted games, lies, shit and misery. I'm too old for the childish crap and too young to let myself be bogged down by you and her and your combined jacked-up lifestyle.
If it takes packing up all my shit to wake him up to what HE is doing to OUR relationship, then I'm more than capable. If it takes leaving to ensure that I won't spend my life in a "love" triangle, well hell's bells, I can do that, too. He doesn't want that, of course. He loves that I respect him, which no other woman he's been with has ever done. He loves that I don't take advantage of him financially and truly contributte to his welfare and to the welfare of his children. He now knows beyond any doubt that things must change, even if it means discomfort. He knows he has to set boundaries for her and their communication, and has agreed to counseling, with special consideration to the issue of "boundaries in blended families". Either we take control of this situation, or I take back full control of my life and remove myself from his.
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Comments
You gooooo girl! He better
You gooooo girl! He better stick to it! He should consider himself LUCKY to have YOU in his life and in his children's lives. He should be catering to YOU! No more of that! You are NOT his nanny! AND - he should not be spending one penny on her. He can buy her smokes and a remote control he better buy you flowers! In fact- tell him to spend his money on YOU not her! That is ridiculous. Boundaries NEED to be set! And set NOW!
I summed up the homework
I summed up the homework situation, and that may come across badly, so let me be more precise:
- I work with kids all week, especially in this age bracket, so I'm aware of what they're learning and know how to explain the assignments.
- Whenever I do homework with these two, I always discuss, suggest, but NEVER force. Try yelling a forceful "Learn!" at a child, and you will get the same results as if you yelled, "Love me!", or "Make it rain!"
- BM is the impatient, yelling, pressuring type, and has admitted it, and bf is the coddling type (for having missed out on the past few years). That leads nowhere. I don't yell, pressure or coddle. I explain, suggest, steer, correct and praise. That's why both parents are more than willing to leave that to me, and I am always willing to help. It's not the kids' fault that the parents' behavior isn't conducive to their learning.
As for when we started on Saturday, it was before breakfast, yes, but that was LittleMr.'s choice. I got up earlier, and he was already up. Yes, I offered to make him something to eat, but he just wanted his warm milk with honey. It's their coffee. He wanted to finish a page before sitting at the table together and getting the "fun day" started. Call me manipulative, but I suggested he do homework in the car as the drive to and from our fun place was long. I said if he did at least the easy stuff, he'd have less to do in the evening and on Sunday. I showed him my clipboard, pointed to a huge pillow he could put on his lap and he liked that idea. I sat next to him, and his worked his little hiney off! On the way back, I said to him "Wow, you should be proud of yourself! One more page, and you'll be done!" To which he responded, "The homework isn't hard at all! I'm going to finish everything so I don't have anything else tomorrow!"
I'm sure bf responded with fear, and he probably is stewing. Whether or not it's because I overstepped my boundaries in regards to LittleMr. or because he feels I am overstepping my boundaries in regards to BM and his personal relationship to her, well, I really don't know. I'm sure he'll be stewing over the next few days if not weeks. In the future, there will be no more threats.
After I laid out all my "gripes", I asked him if he thought it would be wise for us to continue or if we should just call it quits. He wants us to stay together, and I want us to work things out. Heck, when the fear and stewing have passed and he tells me that counseling is off the table and/or that it's better that we go separate ways, I will be able to accept that. It goes both ways, after all. He doesn't have to put up with me, or my issues with his past.
Very well written. I've been
Very well written. I've been in the same spot with both the BM's...They're very needed 8itches arn't they??? I feel for you. I've done the same. Only it was his $hit that I packed because it's my house
*I know the voices in my head arn't real...But they do have some great ideas!!